Children are ‘divorcing’ their parents

May 10, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – Some say society now encourages cutting people off too quickly. Others say previous generations normalised unhealthy family dynamics for too long. By age 5, a child knows which parent is good or bad.  Children begin fantasizing about divorcing their parents between the ages of 5 and 12. It’s not easy, it’s difficult yet vital, within the past six months, I began navigating two adult children from different families through the combination of acceptance, grief and psychodynamic therapy facilitate the divorce, and grieve the parents they wanted but never had.

Children divorcing their parents refer to adult children intentionally reducing contact or completely cutting ties with one or both parents. This is often called parent-child estrangement. It is becoming more open across many societies, including in the Caribbean, North America, and Europe.

Family estrangement is not caused by a single argument. It is often the result of years of unresolved pain, conflict, unmet emotional needs, or changing social values inflicted by parents intentionally or unintentionally. Parents are the single largest group of people to inflict the worst traumas on children, 18 years of it only to realize it continues into adulthood.

Many adult children describe growing up with, emotional abuse or chronic criticism:  There are deep emotional wounds that alter a person’s thinking, feelings and behaviours towards themselves and others in distorted ways throughout childhood and adulthood unless therapy is administered.   Physical or Sexual Abuse: In many cases, estrangement is connected to serious trauma, neglect, or violence within the home. In Guyana, during COVID, sexual abuse of children by family members rose by 200% compared to 2019, when there were 400 cases. Of that figure, 55% of sexual abuse of children was committed by parents and grandparents.

Different Values and Generational Conflict: Modern generations face several factors. Millennials and the older generations have been raised to value obedience, authority and family loyalty above individual feelings. Thus, staying in psychologically imbalanced relationships, GenZ aren’t staying; they are choosing self and mental health first. Staying in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship with a parent(s) condition you to do the same in romantic relationships, this clash creates deep misunderstandings.

Unresolved Family Roles: In a dysfunctional family, each child is assigned a role unconsciously and unspoken. This role is a burden the child carries into adult life. It alters who they are, both to themselves and to others.

The “responsible one” (often called The Hero)—usually the eldest or, in dysfunctional systems, the one who becomes an over-functioning caregiver, a high achiever, or an emotional stabiliser to ensure safety, reduce parental stress, suppressor of their feelings. This role often developed into intense, lifelong traits of reliability and perfectionism at the cost of childhood play.

The peacemaker is a coping mechanism adopted by children to maintain harmony and alleviate tension, often by managing their parents’ or siblings’ emotions. These children act as mediators, buffers, or “caretakers,” frequently sacrificing their own needs to keep the family unit stable, often resulting in emotional exhaustion.

The scapegoat in most dysfunctional or narcissistic families is one child who is unfairly targeted and blamed for all familial problems. Acting as the designated “problem child” allows parents to avoid dealing with their own dysfunction, shame, or marital issues.

The “parentified child”—takes on adult emotional burdens, such as mediating conflict, comforting parents, or managing household moods—to create a sense of safety or control in unstable environments. Dysfunctional family dynamics or crisis results in children “growing up too fast”. As adults, they pull away to protect their mental health.

Divorce, Remarriage, and Family Fragmentation: Children born or drafted into blended families, absent parents, inheritance conflicts, or loyalty struggles after divorce or separation experience significant damage, which not only affects long-term trust but also forces them to find peace and healing.

Addiction or Mental Illness in the Family: Untreated addiction, rage, instability, or severe emotional unpredictability can make relationships feel unsafe. Mental illness in the family forces children far away.

Cultural Silence Around Emotions: In many families, especially where survival and discipline were emphasised, emotions were not openly discussed. Adult children later continue to feel emotionally unseen or misunderstood.

Estrangement is helpful for adult children: Emotional relief, distance reduces anxiety, guilt, fear, or emotional exhaustion. Knowing the parent will never improve but waxing worse, while refusing psychotherapy.

Ability to Heal, divorcing from parents provides adult children with space to develop self-esteem, process trauma, build healthier relationships, and create healthier parenting styles. Divorcing from parent(s) but not engaging in psychotherapy is counterproductive. One may leave physically, but the 18+ years of culturing and nervous system dysregulation, genetics, and connection to the same toxic parent are significant. You may escape the physical space, but in due season, you become the same parent you divorced.

Stronger Boundaries, you may live in the same country or district, that’s ok. Boundaries and their enforcement are effective in stopping cycles of manipulation or abuse from continuing.

Identity Development, having a toxic, emotionally dysregulated parent, robs a child of his or her identity. Being in your 20s, 30s, or even 40s and having parents, especially mothers, still control choice, threaten, guilt-trip, and invade boundaries, taking away a child’s autonomy. Divorcing that parent not only provides freedom but also removes family pressure.

The benefits parents get are discussed less often, but they exist. Emotional reflection, some parents begin examining their own upbringing, unresolved trauma, parenting patterns, and communication styles. This is an opportunity for personal growth. This can motivate parents to seek therapy, spiritual growth, or healthier relationships.

Adult Children, even when estrangement feels necessary, often carry grief. Some emotional Consequences are sadness, loneliness, identity confusion, and fear of becoming like their parents.

Loss of extended family, estrangement can also separate people from grandparents, siblings, cousins, and cultural traditions.

Complicated grief, if a parent dies before reconciliation, unresolved emotions can become deeply painful. Relationship Difficulties, unhealed family wounds may affect trust, intimacy, parenting, and friendships. Divorcing from one’s parent (s) calls for a professional approach, a very clinical intervention to mitigate the side effects and consequences of. Divorcing from a parent(s) without qualified mental health professional help is a no, no.

Negative Impacts on Parents can be extensive. Parents often experience profound emotional pain. For many parents, parenting is central to identity. Estrangement can feel like rejection, failure, or abandonment. Intergenerational Loss may lead to a loss of connection with children and grandchildren. Isolation in Ageing, as parents grow older, estrangement increases; loneliness, financial vulnerability, and health-related stress.

With intentional effort and a commitment to working with a professional, that severed relationship can be rekindled. Both parent and child can have the best relationship going forward. Reconciliation is more likely when both sides accept some responsibility, apologies are sincere, boundaries are respected, communication improves, and there is a willingness to listen without defensiveness.

In some severe cases involving abuse or ongoing harm, permanent distance remains. Healthy families do not lack conflict; they allow conflict to be addressed safely, honestly, and respectfully.

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• ‘divorcing, children, parents, Telford Layne

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