What you should know about dating for marriage Part III

Apr 12, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

---

By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – In our six-part series on dating for marriage, we must understand that dating has a single core objective. I am dating you to see if you have the qualities I am looking for in a life partner, then verify the same. In other words, I am looking for someone who matches my qualities so that we can build a healthy marriage and family for the rest of our lives. When dating for marriage, prioritise core character traits over surface-level attraction. If you are preoccupied with showing your good side, you are pretending, and most likely accept your partner’s pretence too.

Qualities reflect our self-values and self-worth; they also reflect our self-esteem and self-confidence. The most important earthly partnership you can engage in is marriage. It sets you up for the biggest success of your life or depletes you to the point of being nothing worth mentioning. Here is a general list of personal qualities, character traits, and status you should look for in your partner and must-have qualities, if you are dating for marriage, but not limited.

Mentally and emotionally stable. Your partner must have a sound track record of maintaining mental and emotional balance. It is essential for building healthy, lasting connections and protecting one’s personal well-being. It acts as a foundation that allows individuals to navigate the complexities of modern family life, such as rejection, uncertainty, and high emotions, without losing their sense of self or self-worth. It also reduces burnout, builds resilience, prevents emotional overwhelm, maintains individuality, enhances communication, improves decision-making, reduces conflict, manages daily life, and promotes greater stability.

Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy is a valuable tool in modern dating for marriage. I am not talking about premarital counselling. Psychological sessions that deal with the core of you, trauma, and its impact, formation into who you are now, and its potential towards your success or destruction in the future. To navigate the complexities of emotional baggage, attachment styles, and high-stress dating environments. It helps individuals build self-awareness, improve communication, and break toxic cycles, ensuring they enter relationships with a stronger sense of self and clearer intentions. Psychotherapy shows and addresses mental illness, personality disorders and other psychological imbalances that are hidden in the relationship dynamics. Psychotherapy offers to highlight and help individuals understand their attachment style (e.g., anxious, avoidant) shaped early in life due to absent or emotionally unavailable parent(s), the impact of neglect and abuse very early in childhood, allowing them to manage reactions to stressors like rejection or intimacy. Break unhealthy patterns,

The qualities you are looking for in your partner are shaped by healthy, balanced individuality or by unresolved trauma. These are called trauma qualities. The reality is that if one marries because of trauma qualities. If they address their trauma during marriage, those qualities are no longer relevant. They would now have developed qualities related to health, self-esteem, and self-worth. This reality results in many relationship / marriages falling apart.  One party is no longer toxic and does not subscribe to the toxic mindset of a relationship. The excuse given is that we have grown apart.

Conflict Resolution skills

In relationships, fighting about ideas, opinions, choices, and preferences is a must. This does not mean the relationship is weak. In fact, conflict in a relationship is a sign of a healthy relationship; once it’s resolved, every time. Conflict resolution skills in relationships are essential for building a healthy, long-term foundation, as they transform disagreements into opportunities for growth, emotional intimacy, and increased trust. Conflict resolution builds security every time it’s used. Developing these skills helps couples move from fear of confrontation to constructive problem-solving, preventing minor issues from becoming major, relationship-ending divides. It Strengthens Relationships, Builds Compatibility Insight, Promotes Emotional Safety, Increases Intimacy, and Prevents Resentment.

Other Important Qualities

• Shared Faith: Alignment on spiritual beliefs is crucial for navigating life’s challenges together.
• Integrity and Trustworthiness: Look for someone whose actions consistently match their words, demonstrating honesty and reliability.
• Kindness and Compassion: The person should show genuine care for you and others, offering emotional support.
• Humility and Forgiveness: A good partner can admit when they are wrong, apologise, and extend grace, rather than holding grudges. For me, this is a deal breaker, and so it must be for you, too. Marrying an unforgiving person will cost you the rest of your life.
• Effective Communication: The ability to discuss difficult topics openly and listen actively is vital
• Emotional Self-Regulation: Ability to manage their own emotions, handle stress, and take responsibility for actions, rather than displaying unhealthy behaviours.
• Respectful: They respect your time, opinions, friends, and personal boundaries.
• Responsibility and Diligence: They show commitment in handling personal challenges promptly rather than depending on you, and have a strong work ethic.
• Family Orientation: A willingness to honour family commitments and work toward creating a loving household.
• Empathy: They should be able to recognise and validate your feelings, even when they don’t fully understand them.
• Vulnerability: The willingness to share fears and weaknesses is what creates deep emotional safety.
• Consistency: Their behaviour should remain steady across different situations and over time, proving they are who they claim to be. And so must yours. Before expecting consistency, you must demonstrate to others and yourself.
• Financial Discipline: Disagreements over money are a leading cause of divorce; ensure you are on the same page regarding spending and saving.
• Deep Friendship: You both have been good friends long before dating for marriage became a reality. Couples with a strong foundation of friendship have the highest long-term satisfaction.
• Accountability: A critical trait is admitting when wrong, sincerely apologising, and actively working to change problematic behaviour. This should be a deal breaker. Inability to be accountable reflects inner inferiority and an undeveloped sense of self. To be continued.

---

• dating, Marriage, Psychologist, Telford Layne

---