CO-PARENTING AFTER DIVORCE OR SEPARATION

May 17, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – Most children never recover from the traumatic experiences of a divorce or separation, except through extensive psychotherapy. The consequences of divorce or separation after living together disrupt a child’s identity, cognitive capacity and psychosocial balance. What trumps the impact of divorce or separation is staying in a dysfunctional relationship and poor co-parenting.  Co-parenting speaks to the mental state of both parents.  In most cases, the child needs to be rescued.

KEY CHALLENGES

Struggles in co-parenting indicate that the parent is not ready for parental responsibilities.  The parents cannot regulate their dysfunctional emotional and nervous system and are still consumed by hurt, pain, bitterness, resentment or hatred. It means the parent is psychologically compromised that they cannot put the child first; they would rather consciously and unconsciously destroy the child’s life to settle grievances.

Parents have different grieving timelines; one may have accepted the breakup; the other may still be hurt. New partners dynamics, (who is this person to my children?) usually sparks jealousy, insecurity, and confusion about roles.

Practical and logistical challenges like inconsistent routines bedtimes, rules, homework expectations, and screen time vary across homes. Schedule conflicts work hours, school, extracurricular, and visitation/parenting time clash. Then, there are money issues such as child support, differing views on spending for kids (clothes, activities, gifts).

Being a parent requires communication skills. Your child is learning from you. High conflict communication challenges, shouting, blaming, or stonewalling; kids may be drawn into disputes. Using children as messengers speaks of immaturity and ill equip.

Asking kids to relay messages or “spy” on the other parent is evil. Mismatched communication styles one prefers texts, to keep receipts and set boundaries, the other calls and is abusive; one writes long messages, the other responds with one word only complicates matters.

Parenting Style Differences: Parenting styles will always differ because of gender, background, upbringings, education, etc. Once abuse and neglect are not in parenting styles, we should not be consumed by mother’s nurturing and emotional care parenting styles and father’s adventure and confidence building parenting style

Discipline, one is strict, the other permissive; kids may “play” one parent against the other. This is where kids are skilled even when parents are together.

Religion, culture, education, and boundaries about friends/social media; these are issues that should have been covered before sex and marriage. So, the plan can be agreed on and easily followed.

Effects

Children can adapt to divorce or separation if conflict is low and parenting is stable. The main risk factor is chronic, intense conflict.

Emotional and Behavioural Effects: The child may experience anxiety and insecurity, about being abandoned or about future changes.

Children tend to experience depression, grief over the family changing, missing the “old” home life.

Behaviour issues: Children tend to act out at school/home, attention problems, breaking rules, and lying. They may feel responsible for a parent’s emotions (“I have to keep Mom/Dad from being sad”).

Relationship Effects: In some cases children have loyalty conflicts, feeling guilty and feeling forced to “choose sides.” They may experience difficulty with trust and intimacy in adulthood, difficulty with commitment and modelling unhealthy conflict like parents.

Academic and Physical Effects: School problems, lower grades, reduced concentration, and absences, somatic complaints, headaches, stomach-aches, and sleep problems are tied to stress.

Best Practices

Shift the Mindset: from ex‑partners to business partners. Think of co-parenting as managing a “business” together: your child’s well‑being.

Ask: “What is best for our child?” instead of “What do I want?” Detach personal from parental, you don’t have to like your ex to be a good co-parent.

Keep messages short and to the point. Informative: Stick to facts Friendly: Neutral, non-hostile tone. Be firm and make clear decisions or requests; no vague threats.

Preferred channels: Use email, text, or keep a record of agreements. Reduce emotional escalation. Avoid using your child’s devices for parental communication.

There are topics to avoid in front of children such as money disputes, past relationship problems, and legal matters. Sharing negative comments about the other parent or family is out of the question.

Create a stable parenting plan, and clear schedule, regular parenting time (days, pickup/drop-off times).

Keep holiday, birthdays, and vacations. Predictable transitions between homes, same times, and same meeting spots. Children feel safer when they know the routine. Sleep and wake times. Screen time rules, homework expectations. Safety rules on internet. Speak of changes long in advance.

Another key area is decision‑making, it must be discussed who decides on education and school changes, medical/mental health treatment, religious upbringing and major activities. Aim for joint decision-making on major issues.

Never ask children to take sides don’t ask questions like “Who do you love more?” or “Do you want to live with me instead?” Avoid interrogating them: “What did your mom/dad say about me?”

Don’t use children as messengers or spies. Communicate directly with the other parent. Don’t ask your child to report on the other home’s private life. Avoid exposing them to hostility, take sides, keep secrets, or mediate. Children do much better when; they feel loved and wanted by both parents

Validate their feelings. Acknowledge: “It’s okay to miss Mom/Dad when you’re with me.”

Reassure them: “You don’t have to worry about our grown-up problems. That’s my job.” Encourage a positive relationship with the other parent. Support calls/texts to the other parent. Celebrate shared events, graduations, performances

Managing Conflict:  Choose your battles. Focus on issues that affect safety, health, or major wellbeing. Let minor style differences go; children can adapt to “Mom’s way” and “Dad’s way.”

Set boundaries: No name-calling, threats, or discussing old relationship grievances.

Use “time‑outs” in conflict: “Let’s pause and discuss this tomorrow by message.” Consider parallel parenting for very high‑conflict situations

Minimal direct contact and parenting plan: Each parent runs their home independently, with limited need for interaction with others. Communication is mainly written, through apps or third parties if necessary.

To process grief, anger, and gain tools for communication. A professional can help create parenting plans, manage stress and burnout. Sleep, nutrition, and time for yourself directly benefit your parenting.

Watch for signs like persistent sadness, anxiety, and strong anger. Major changes in sleep, appetite, or grades. If there is Regression, bedwetting, clinginess; if present, meet with a qualified psychologist. Host joint sessions, to show united support.

When serious problems are present, domestic violence or coercive control, Substance abuse. Parents should prioritise safety first. Use legal advice, protective orders, or supervised visitation if needed. Communicate only through safe channels or third parties.

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• co-parenting, divorce, separation, Telford Layne

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