Regulating Children’s Emotions

Apr 26, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – Have you ever seen an emotionally dysregulated parent, teacher or caregiver typing to get a child emotionally regulated? Yeah, it’s a nightmare. Can you imagine parents crashing out on children who are emotionally dysregulated or throwing tantrums, but these very adults do the same to their parents, partners, and others?  Children do not throw tantrums because they want to give parents, teachers or caregivers a hard time. They are throwing tantrums because they are having a hard time. Emotional dysregulation goes hand in hand with a dysregulated nervous system. Hence, it’s an intergenerational response. By age 5, a child should be able to stop throwing tantrums and regulate their emotions. If not, it’s a reflection on the parent.

What is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is the process that your child’s brain goes through that gives them the ability to control their behaviours and emotions in response to a particular situation. It’s having the skill to calm yourself down when you get upset, to adjust to a change in environment or expectations, and to handle frustration without outbursts. When children share, listen to others, or wait their turn, they are practising self-control. It’s what we as parents call a “win!”

Self-regulation is a foundational skill of early childhood. It’s the seed we plant that allows children to grow into adults who can manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviours. If we give children strategies to stay calm in stressful situations, they develop strong habits that they can apply in the future. Remember, there is no single event that will magically kick-start a child’s perfect self-regulation. Just as children physically develop at different rates, they also develop self-control at different rates. Building your child’s self-regulation toolkit requires thoughtful planning and understanding.

1.Model Calmness: Manage your own emotions first; children learn by watching; managing your own emotions sets the foundation. Children mirror the emotions of the adults around them. Approach outbursts with a calm presence to provide a “sturdy leader” for them to lean on. If you are dysregulated, avoid dealing with the situation. You can be shouting at the child to stop shouting. Threatening an ultimatum only exacerbates the situation. Saying stop, shut up, don’t cry, etc., are all no-nos.

Key Strategies for Parent Self-Regulation

The Pause and Breathe: Before reacting, pause and breathe. Let your nervous system calm down. This reduces the chance of a knee-jerk, angry reaction.

Physical Separation: If needed, step away, leave the room, or turn your back on your child to take a moment for yourself.

Self-Talk and Perspective: Remind yourself, ‘this is hard, not because I am doing something wrong.’ You might say, ‘I am the adult.’

Self-care: Regular exercise, reading, expanding your mind, and accepting your reality can keep you regulated. Meditation or physical activity also helps.

2. Teach the Child to Name Their Feelings

Children regulate emotions better when they can identify what they feel.

How to do it: Use feeling words often. Try happy, frustrated, worried, jealous, excited, overwhelmed, uncertain, or dissatisfied.

Say things like: “You look frustrated because the toy broke.” “Are you feeling nervous about school?” What are you uncomfortable with? Dialogue and connection are most important. You

Why it works: Naming emotions activates thinking parts of the brain and reduces emotional overwhelm.

3. Teach Simple Calming Tools

Give your child practical tools they can use anywhere. Good starter tools:

Deep breathing. Breathe in, hold it for 6 seconds, exhale for another 6. Do this about 5 to 7 times. Breathe through the nostrils only. If you are dysregulated, too, this is a perfect exercise for both of you. Smell the flower. Get access to one if possible and work on it together.

Blow the candle. This will work best at night, but it will also be effective during the day for emotional regulation.

Count to 10, then count from 10 to 1. This engages the brain and helps to regulate the nervous system by shifting focus. Make these exercises fun.

Take a break if they are frustrated or disappointed. Offer age-appropriate decision-making. Squeeze a stress ball. Pause during a board game or before brainstorming the next activity.

Draw their feelings. Accept that they have preferences and should exercise them as long as they don’t violate moral principles. Does your child know they can say NO to you? Are you willing to accept this as a privilege of a human being?

Practice these when calm, not just during meltdowns. If a parent or adult does not have a connection with the child, helping them to regulate their emotions will be difficult.

4. Create a Safe “Calm Down Space”

Not punishment—a supportive place. The space can include, but not be limited to

Soft pillow or chair. Books or drawing materials, ask them to draw their fears or feelings. For those above 7, you can ask them to write a short story about how they feel. Emotion chart, showing all the types of emotions and feelings. Ask them to identify which one they are experiencing. Your child’s understanding of anger or tantrums is not wrong; it’s about how to express it in respect. Rather than correcting a child, say “when we are upset, we don’t hit others”, rather than you must not hit”

5. Validate Feelings (Even When Behaviour Isn’t Okay)

Children need to feel understood, not dismissed—especially our sons. When possible, take a break and attend to your child. If you must postpone, explain: “After I finish one and two, I will come so you and I can address your challenges.” As a parent, build a good track record—be reliable and credible.

Say this: “I see you’re angry. How can I help? “It’s okay to feel mad. How can we work on this together? “It’s not okay to hit. But this is how you can share your problem or get help without hitting” . Avoid: “Stop crying.” “You’re fine.” “Don’t be dramatic.” “You want something to cry for?” Validation reduces emotional intensity.

6. Teach Problem-Solving Skills

After emotions settle, guide them to solutions. Ask: “What happened?” “What can we do next time?” “What would help?”

This builds independence, self-esteem and confidence. This reduces future problems and helps create an emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent child.

7. Use Daily Emotional Check-ins

Short conversations build emotional awareness. Try: “What made you happy today?” “Did anything make you feel upset? How did you handle it?” “What helped you feel better?” Dinner time or bedtime works well.

8. Praise Emotional Effort (Not Just Behaviour)

Recognise when they try to regulate. Say: “You took deep breaths—great job calming down!” “You used your words instead of yelling.” Positive reinforcement strengthens habits.

9. Teach Emotional Regulation Through Play

Play makes learning emotional skills natural.

Ideas: Role-play feelings. Read books about emotions. Use emotion cards. Play ‘Guess the Feeling.’

Age-Specific Tips

Toddlers (2–4 years): Use simple words. Focus on calming routines. Expect frequent emotional outbursts.

Young Children (5–8 years): Teach coping strategies. Introduce problem-solving. Use visual charts.

Older Children (9–12 years): Encourage journaling. Teach self-reflection. Discuss the consequences of actions.

The Big Picture

Empowering emotional regulation isn’t about stopping feelings—it’s about teaching children to handle feelings safely and confidently. Consistency matters more than perfection. Small daily efforts build strong emotional skills over time. And what are the methods of qualitative research?

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