Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals!

Dec 25, 2024 Features / Columnists, Peeping Tom

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Peeping Tom…

Kaieteur News- Ah, Christmas—the season of goodwill, good cheer, and, let’s not forget, good riddance! It’s that magical time of year when even the most hardened scoundrel can decorate a tree, stuff a turkey, and pretend they aren’t the Grinch in human form. This year, in the spirit of inclusivity, I’ve decided to extend my Christmas wishes to the underappreciated demographic of society’s miscreants, crooks, and ne’er-do-wells. Because if Santa can tolerate naughty kids, surely, I can tolerate, well… this lot.

First up, a warm, tinsel-wrapped “Merry Christmas” to the oil deal masterminds. You know who you are—the ones who sold the people’s future for what I can only assume was the moral equivalent of a lump of coal. May the New Year bring you introspection, repentance, and a cozy cell with a view.

And let me not forget those self-appointed (or is it self-anointed?) guardians of our natural wealth who somehow mistook their mandate to “protect the people” as an open invitation to footsie with the oil companies—Merry Christmas to you, too! You’ve truly outdone yourselves this year by not renegotiating a contract so lopsided it makes a seesaw look balanced, by skipping the whole “ring-fencing” thing (because why bother containing the chaos, right?), and by forgetting that adequate oil spill protections aren’t just nice—they’re necessary unless you’re aiming for an environmental disaster to match your governance. Here’s hoping Santa leaves you a conscience under the tree, because come next year, the only thing that should spill is the truth about why you let us all down.

And to those with sticky fingers who treat the public purse like their personal ATM—Season’s Greetings! I hope next year you’ll realize that the treasury isn’t a cookie jar, and if it is, you’re out of cookies. Enjoy your holiday, but don’t get too comfortable; orange jumpsuits are always in style.

Ah, the gatekeepers of progress, the maestros of “come-back-later,” and the undisputed champions of red tape! To you, merry purveyors of bureaucracy, a hearty Merry Christmas. Your dedication to delay is unmatched—why approve today what you can file, stamp, and misplace for tomorrow? Whether it’s a permit, a pension, or a passport, your motto remains steadfast: “Patience is a virtue, and you’ll need plenty of it.” Here’s hoping the New Year brings you a sudden allergy to paperwork and a newfound zest for actually helping people, because if efficiency were a crime, you’d all walk free.

Let’s not forget the high-class freeloaders—those occupying positions of power while doing absolutely nothing. Oh, how we admire your ability to contribute zilch while reaping the benefits of hardworking taxpayers. May the ghost of productivity haunt you this Christmas and inspire you to, you know, do something next year.

To the procrastinators, bribe-takers, and kickback kings and queens: Happy Holidays! You’ve kept the wheels of corruption well-oiled this year, but here’s hoping 2025 sees you spinning those wheels in the unemployment line—or better yet, a courtroom.

A special yuletide shoutout to the contractors who’ve elevated “cutting corners” to an art form. Nothing says “holiday spirit” like substandard roads and shoddy infrastructure! May your New Year’s resolution involve giving taxpayers their money’s worth—or at least a refund.

To the confidence tricksters, hustlers, and con artists who’ve made an art form out of swindling the poor—Merry Christmas, you heartless virtuosos of deceit! Your schemes, whether cloaked as miracle cures, get-rich-quick scams, or the old “just sign here” hustle, have only one goal: to strip the desperate of their last dime while flashing a smile faker than your promises. May the New Year bring you a dose of poetic justice and a sudden bout of empathy, because while you were busy preying on the vulnerable, karma was busy sharpening its claws.

Finally, to the election meddlers, the democracy defilers, the folks who thought “steal the vote” sounded like a catchy carol: Merry Christmas! You’ve gifted us all a lesson in audacity, if nothing else. May you find clarity, humility, and maybe a new career in 2025—preferably far, far away.

So, to all the rogues, rascals, and reprobates who’ve brightened our lives with their unique brand of mayhem, I wish you a Merry Christmas. And, in the immortal words of Kevin McCallister from Home Alone: “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!”

(The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of this  newspaper.)

(Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals!)

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