How Should I date for marriage Part II

Apr 05, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – Health and successful dating towards marriage requires authenticity. Modern dating punishes authenticity, driven by a landscape that often prioritizes speed, superficial impressions, and “performative” behaviour over genuine connection. Ignoring patterns is not love. Entertaining inconsistency is not love. Staying for potential is not love. Calling dysfunction “chemistry” is not love. Building with someone who produces nothing is not love. Is that you volunteering for your own problems. Moreover, here is the part that’s going to bother you. You do not get hurt because people are “toxic.” You get hurt because you keep choosing people without being prepared.

Continuing from last week, before one sets out to date for marriage, they must be able to give themselves the 5 A’s. Giving yourself affection, affirmation, approval, acceptance, and attention involves actively nurturing a compassionate relationship with yourself, shifting from seeking external validation to creating inner security. This is achieved through daily habits like mindful check-ins, positive self-talk, setting boundaries, and celebrating small wins.

If you are looking for affection, affirmation, approval, acceptance, and attention from others, you are in a bad place. Your parent is responsible for giving you this to form your identity and nurture your emotional and mental development. After 18 years of age, whether you get these from your absent day and toxic mother, it is your responsibility to give yourself it. Looking for these qualities in a man or woman makes you a misfit for a relationship.

Self-Affection: often called self-love, is a state of deep appreciation, acceptance, and high regard for one’s own well-being and happiness. It involves nurturing physical, mental, and spiritual growth, setting healthy boundaries, and treating oneself with kindness, rather than sacrificing needs for others. Self-Care Actions: Prioritize your basic needs, such as proper sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Moreover, buying yourself thoughtful gifts or flowers to show care. Take yourself to dinner, movies, etc., if one cannot be affectionate to themselves but talks about loving their partner. Not only is this a red flag, but it is also a trauma response. It is not love, it is attraction. Positive Internal Dialogue: Speak to yourself with kindness and compassion, especially during difficult times

Self-Affirmation :Self-affirmation is a psychological technique that reinforces self-worth by focusing on personal values, strengths, and positive beliefs. It helps individuals manage stress, reduce defensiveness in the face of threats, and maintain a positive self-view, often by affirming that one is capable and flexible across various life domains. Start the day by looking in the mirror and saying, “I am enough,” “Today will be a challenging day, but I am committed to applying myself and getting through it and if it turns out to be more challenging than my capacity. I will regroup and approach it soon after” or “I am worthy of love no matter what”.

Countering Negative Talk: Identify harsh, self-critical voices and replace them with neutral, honest observations about your efforts and progress. Gain the ability or build the capacity to silence your number one critic, you. Believe in yourself, even in the face of failure and challenges. Taking nothing personally but rather being open-minded to the challenges of life.

Self-Approval: There are adults in relationships who cannot take time off to celebrate themselves or spend money on themselves without feeling guilty or ashamed, but will sacrifice to do more for others. They grew without approval, and now, as adults, these feelings and disapproving behaviours that their parents and caregivers instilled are still dominant and controlling. Successful yet cannot celebrate themselves.

Self-approval is the act of accepting, valuing, and validating oneself unconditionally, regardless of past behaviours, mistakes, or external opinions. It involves recognizing one’s own worth and strengths without needing validation from others, leading to improved mental health, reduced anxiety, and increased self-confidence. Recognize and celebrate small, daily accomplishments rather than waiting for major milestones. Make Your Own Decisions, build trust by following through on promises to yourself (e.g., sticking to a workout routine, setting boundaries), which reduces the need for external validation. Actively remind yourself that your choices are valid, even if others do not agree, and move away from seeking external approval.

Embracing your whole self, including strengths and weaknesses, without harsh judgment. Relying on your own inner compass for validation rather than seeking approval from others. Being kind to yourself, particularly when facing failures or personal shortcomings.  Releasing the need for others’ validation and not comparing oneself to others.

Self-Acceptance: Self-acceptance is the unconditional embrace of all facets of oneself—strengths, weaknesses, successes, and failures—without judgment or the need for external validation. It involves acknowledging one’s limitations while maintaining a positive, compassionate view, serving as a foundation for mental health and personal growth rather than a state of complacency.

Embrace Your Shadow; make peace with all parts of yourself, including flaws, mistakes, and past mistakes. Practice Non-Judgment: Approach your emotions and actions with curiosity rather than criticism, treating mistakes as part of the shared human experience rather than a personal flaw. Work on accepting yourself right now, in this present moment, regardless of your current circumstances or feelings. The work of self-acceptance is Embracing Imperfections: Accepting and ceasing to chase perfection and moving away from harsh self-criticism toward self-compassion. The objectivity is having an honest, balanced view of one’s abilities and limitations.

There are adults in relationships who are terrified of being alone or spending time alone. Fearful of their thoughts and feelings. Unable to label feelings and address them accurately in a relationship to be supported by their partners. Some partners can read their partners’ emotional state and are eager to handle it, but are unaware of their own. This is a self-sabotaging reality.

Self-attention, often termed self-focused, is the cognitive process of directing attention inward toward one’s own thoughts, emotions, behaviours, or physiological states rather than toward external stimuli. It serves as a core component of self-regulation and self-awareness, allowing individuals to monitor themselves against internal standards.

Daily Check-ins: dedicate 20-30 minutes every day to check in with your emotions, journal, meditate, or sit quietly to understand your true needs. Be Present: Put away distractions and focus entirely on your own experiences, feelings, and sensations in the moment. Solo Dates, spend time alone doing things you love to nurture your relationship with yourself.

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• Health, Marriage, Psychologist, successful dating

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