I don’t remember!

Feb 16, 2025 Features / Columnists, Peeping Tom

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Peeping Tom…

Kaieteur News- I have an uncle, Morty Finkelstein, who has the peculiar habit of remembering things with great clarity but only when it is most inconvenient. He can tell you precisely what the President said in his victory speech, the way his tie was knotted, the exact timbre of his voice when he promised that prosperity was right around the corner (just a few more corners down), but ask Uncle Morty about Election Day and he turns into a human Etch A Sketch. Nothing. A great cosmic eraser has wiped the slate clean.

“I must’ve been busy that day,” he says, chewing on his lower lip, deep in thought. “Was it a Tuesday? I always get very busy on Tuesdays.”

“But Morty,” I insist, “you were wearing that ridiculous suit, running around town, telling people how historic the moment was. You were practically evangelical about it.”

He stares at me as though I’m accusing him of smuggling dolphins out of the country. “I do not recall,” he says, adjusting his glasses with exaggerated delicacy. “But I distinctly remember the President saying that he would unify the country by focusing on economic growth. Also, he had a bit of mayonnaise on his lapel—very distracting.”

Morty, a man who once forgot his wedding anniversary but can recite entire presidential speeches verbatim, has apparently developed selective amnesia. The ballots? A blur. The long lines? A mystery. The rigging. Can’t remember. Does Morty know about that one!  Gone, vanished into the abyss. But give him a microphone, and he will reenact the post-election promises with such precision you’d think he moonlights as the President’s ventriloquist.

“He was very convincing,” Morty says, nodding sagely. “When he said, ‘We will move forward as one nation,’ I felt like he was speaking directly to me. And when he added, ‘Despite what the naysayers predicted, we won by an honest and respectable margin,’ I almost cried.”

“But Morty,” I press, “wasn’t there some sort of dispute? Didn’t they say there were issues with the verification of the vote count?”

“Can’t recall,” he says, shaking his head. “But what I do remember is the President saying, ‘The will of the people has spoken.’ And you have to respect the will of the people. Unless, of course, they say something you don’t like, in which case, ignore them completely.”

Morty, I should mention, is not a partisan man. He is, rather, an enthusiastic follower of whomever happens to be in charge. He believes in democracy, but only in the way one believes in an old uncle who occasionally gives out twenty-dollar bills—charming, but not entirely reliable. His philosophy is simple: whoever wins was always meant to win, and whoever loses should probably consider alternative employment.

“What about the then opposition’s claims?” I ask. “Didn’t they say there were some irregularities?”

“Nothing irregular at all,” Morty says with a reassuring smile. “‘These claims are baseless and harmful to our democracy until proven.’ I mean, if there is insufficient information, you cannot indict?”

“But weren’t there missing ballots?”

“Maybe they went on vacation,” he says, shrugging. “Everybody needs a break.”

I stare at him. “You have a journal?”

“Yes,” he says proudly. “A record of all the important things our leaders say. It’s important to document history. Otherwise, how will future generations know what to think?”

At this point, I realize that I am engaged in a battle of wits with a man who remembers only convenient conclusions of events, never their beginnings. He is like a moviegoer who only watches the final five minutes and claims to understand the entire plot.

“So let me get this straight,” I say. “You remember the speeches, the celebrations, the promises, but you don’t recall the actual voting process?”

“Exactly,” he says, beaming. “But I do remember the President’s last words at his speech: ‘The people have chosen, and now we move forward.’ That part was really moving.”

As I prepare to press him further, the news blares from the television: ‘An official inquiry has been launched into the election process amid growing concerns over alleged irregularities.’

Morty perks up. “Oh, I remember something about that!”

I lean in. “Yes? What do you recall?”

He pauses, then grins. “The President said it. Case closed.”

“Morty,” I say, rubbing my temples, “did you even vote?”

He looks at me, stricken. Then, after a long pause, he finally speaks: “Well, that depends. What did the President say about it?”

(I don’t remember!)

(The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this newspaper.)

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• Election Day, Etch A Sketch, naysayers, Peeping Tom, ridiculous suit

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