BORN BABY BORN

Sep 06, 2010 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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For those of us who love the English language, there is a story about three Nigerian doctors who were hired by the Trinidad and Tobago Government when it sought to protect the health of the nation from “unscrupulous” local doctors.  All three Nigerians were assigned to the Maternity ward and, over coffee in the lounge, were discussing the sad fate of a woman who was unable to have children.
“The woman is inconceivable,” said one of the doctors, shaking his head sadly.  “No, no, no,” said the second doctor.  “The word ‘inconceivable’ refers to something that cannot be believed or even imagined.  In truth and in fact, the woman is impregnable.”
The senior Nigerian doctor shook his head in amusement at the inability of his colleagues to master the Queen’s English.  “My friend,” he said, “you too have it wrong.  The word ‘impregnable’ means ‘that which cannot be penetrated’ which might be important in becoming impregnated but does not mean that the woman cannot become pregnant.  The fact of the matter is that the woman is unbearable.”
What is really unbearable is the situation in Australia where a steep decline in fertility caused the state to offer $3,000 for every child born after July 1, 2004.  The payment was expected to rise to $5,000 in 2008.  Peter Costello, Australia’s Treasurer and anointed successor to Prime Minister John Howard, was quoted by journalist Mike Seccombe as saying, “If you can have children . . . you should have . . . one for your husband and one for your wife and one for the country.”
The truth is that Australian women are having fewer babies now than in the past century. Statistics show that the average woman has 1.7 babies, down from a high of 3.5 in the 1960s.  One report says, “Australia’s labour force is on the verge of collapse. Already low at just 180,000 a year, it is tipped to reach zero in less than twenty years.”
While there are a lot of Caribbean men who would volunteer to go to Australia to assist their male counterparts there to enhance offspring production, immigration, particularly from countries like the Caribbean, is a political hot potato, no-no, and whatever other clichés we can find to say never, nein, and absolutamente not.  Something to do with our inability to understand their culture and nothing to do with skin colour or race, or so they say.  What they don’t know is that what they need, more than the money, is a taste of Caribbean culture.
What is the problem with Australian men and women apart from pride in denying themselves of Caribbean cultural assistance?  According to a recent study of health and relationships conducted by researchers from La Trobe University and the Universities of Sydney and New South Wales, a ‘substantial minority’ of Australians use sex toys, watch X-rated videos or intentionally visit internet sex sites.
You might say that they are wasting time on the preliminaries instead of on the main event.  Yet, that is not it.  The research has found that “around 90 per cent of men and 80 per cent of women in a heterosexual relationship reported their sex life to be ‘very’ or ‘extremely’ pleasurable, with pleasure being strongly linked to emotional satisfaction.”
So far, so good.  No sign of a problem.  But then comes the kicker, “Common sexual difficulties experienced for at least one month during the past year were reported at least twice as often — up to more than five times as often — by women as they were by men. For example, a lack of interest in sexual activity, not having an orgasm, and not enjoying sex.”
According to the study, Australian couples have sex less than twice a week, with three times as many men as women expressing a desire to have sex daily.
Yet, this is higher than the global average.  A survey by prophylactic powerhouse Durex of 18,000 adults in 27 countries, found that people around the world have sex on average 96 times a year, while Australians average 98 times a year.  That’s not bad considering that New Zealand men have sex 88 times a year and Japanese have sex 37 times a year.

So again, what is the problem?  Mike Seccombe narrates his meeting with Costello the day after his offer to fund motherhood was “delivered” in the Parliament.  “So there was this press gallery journo, a bit weary and bleary on the morning after the budget, shambling in to work, only to meet an ebullient Peter Costello and entourage in the corridor.
‘How are you?’ boomed the Treasurer. ‘Been better.’ ‘Is that because you were doing your patriotic duty last night?’ ‘I fear I drank too much to be effectively patriotic.’ ‘That’s not good enough,’ reproached the great man, beaming all the more.
‘Treasurer, stop,’ replied the reporter, ‘you’re giving me performance anxiety’.”
I think that is the difference.  Too much work and no play.  As Seccombe says, “Isn’t it a bit sad, though, when people start making a duty out of making babies?”  That is why they need to be more exposed to Caribbean culture.  We don’t mix business with pleasure and for us, women and men, booty and duty are worlds apart.  In fact, just like the Caribbean and Australia.

*Tony Deyal was last seen on a Qantas flight to Australia determined to investigate whether Australians really have sex down under.

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