LIFE IN THE HOOD

Mar 09, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

---

“Hood” is not the plural of “hide” as in “He hood in the closet”. In any case, if it is the closet of some of the people I have worked for, there are too many skeletons in there already to hide anything, even a fear of the dark or “nyctophobia”.

In fact, some of them would have done better to come out of the closet themselves. There are other “hoods” like the bonnet of a car, the cowl or covering attached to a robe or jacket, and as short for “hoodlum” or thug. There is even “hood” as a contraction of “neighbourhood” a place where, according to Sesame Street, there are all kinds of people living, some of them genuine hoods. If you say “He hood in the closet” from a hood, that’s a wise move and much better than being a skeleton.

“Hood” was also the surname of a Confederate General who fought in the American Civil War and was defeated first in the siege of Atlanta and then again in Nashville. After that, he hood from the victorious Union troops. There was also an English poet named Thomas Hood who was good both as a poet and humourist but not the right hood. However, Thomas the poet, is part of the inspiration for the “hood” that preoccupies my attention. He wrote in the poem “I Remember, I Remember”:

I remember, I remember

The fir trees dark and high;

I used to think their slender tops

Were close against the sky:

It was childish ignorance,

But now ’tis little joy

To know i’m farther off from Heaven

Than when i was a boy.

As I pass my sixty-third year and approach my sixty-fourth, there are a lot of things that I remember and more that I contemplate. How far I am from Heaven is not as important to me as how close I am to my children, all four of them, the two adult ones George and Marsha, and the two little ones (in my eyes only), Jasmine 11 and Zubin 10. This leads to the “hood” that preoccupies me as it did Bill Cosby the comedian, “Fatherhood”.

Bill Cosby said, “Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.” What do you say of someone who was irrational enough to do it four times? There is a kind of pertinent answer to that question in Oscar Wilde’s play, “The Importance of Being Earnest”, “To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”

To make one child may be regarded as irrational, to make two may be viewed as impetuous, to make three may be considered irresponsible (and for which you would be jailed in China), but to make four is sheer insanity.

As Cosby said, “The arrival of a baby coincides with the departure of our minds.” He adds, “I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

If I have learnt any lesson in life it is that the problems associated with children increase in direct proportion to the age of the children. Also, in the same way that there is nothing like “minor” surgery, there are no “minor” problems associated with children. All problems have the same magnitude and eventually lead to weeping, the tearing out of hair and the gnashing of teeth.

This is the excuse I use to explain to my children my red-rimmed eyes and the dark shadows under them, the reduction of my follicular stock and the depletion of my dental and mental resources. Even though Cosby claims that grey hair is God’s graffiti, I believe it could also be the toll he charges for having four children.

There are several issues concerning fatherhood that should be deterrents or at least cheques and balances. Obviously one is money. Bill Cosby’s take on it is, “Except for the cost of the child, which may lead you to consider joining organized crime, fathering is easier today than it was when I began.”

Mine is that from the time I began to beget, in the Biblical sense, every genesis brings new revelations. The cost continues to increase in direct proportion to the growth of the said child.

However, Cosby concedes, “You know why John D. Rockerfeller had all that money? Because he had only one child, so he didn’t have to spend ninety thousand dollars on Snoopy pens and Superhero mugs and Smurf pyjamas and Barbie Ferraris.” Not to mention schoolfees, schoolbook, schooluniforms, schoolshoes and “pocket” money which goes straight from my pocket to theirs.

Now they all want MP3 players, cellular phones, Nikes and their own television sets. I figure when mine start working, and once their mother is not around, they might be able to acquire these but would have to hide them when she visits.

Money is one issue. The other is convincing them they should get along with one another. If Sibling Rivalry was a rock band it would set records for being at the top of the Billboard charts. I could wax forever on this topic alone. I like Cosby’s reflections on this issue, “As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by ‘survival of the fittest’.”

He then observed a truism of parenthood, “To be fair, however, I must admit that from time to time children do like to share with siblings. For example, once in a while a brother will try to remove his sister’s arm so he can play with it.” This is like the old joke about a mother asking her little son, “John, why did you kick your sister in the stomach?” John replied, “She turned round too quick.”

With all that, I would not exchange them for the world – the universe perhaps but even that might not be as infinite as my love for my children. Sometimes, as I walk with the two young ones and people look at the huge gap in ages and say to me, “Your grandchildren are really growing well”, I reply, “Yes, they are indeed grand children, very, very grand.”

It is true, and I have to constantly face the fact, that I have to be both father and grandfather to them, but even that has its joys. They keep me young at heart and youthful in mind and spirit, if not in body. I leave the last word on this to Cosby, “Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.”

* Tony Deyal was last seen agreeing with Bill Cosby, “No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behaviour, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behaviour is always normal.”

---

---