Dating For Marriage Part IV

Apr 19, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – In the 21st century, we meet people for the first time, and have sex.  Within weeks, we move in together. We tell each other we love them within 3 months. We talk about marriage by 6 months or less. Within 12 months, we change several sexual partners. Successful dating carries a structure that does not include sex. Sex during dating for marriage is self-sabotage, self-betrayal, and compromising.

Dating with the intention of marrying, having a healthy, and a fruitful marriage is intentional and strategic. It requires you to manifest your authentic self. It requires a healthy you, one who has done the work to establish a strong identity rather than losing oneself in the dynamics of a relationship. We begin dating when we are certain about ourselves. When our boundaries, sound decision-making abilities, and our qualities, are align with our values along with being healed of unresolved traumatic impact. We are ready.

Dating Structure

Friendship Stage: This stage is not about friends with benefits, but rather about a group of friends, or two acquaintances or strangers, going out regularly, socializing, and getting to know each other. The “friendship stage” refers to a foundational phase, where building trust, shared interests, and emotional safety comes before. No romance, no sexual relations. The relationship during this phase is to allow time for hidden difficulties or character flaws to surface before commitment.

Trust and Safety: Building a foundation of trust allows friends at this stage to show their authentic selves rather than just their “best behaviour”.

Shared Interests: Focusing on activities you both enjoy—like hiking, gaming, or exploring local spots—helps determine if you genuinely like spending time together. No expensive or impressive gestures. Compatibility assessment engaging activities.

Long-term Resilience: A friends-first approach is often the primary driver of dating success because it builds a partnership that can weather conflict.

Non-Romantic Interaction: The primary goal is to get to know the other person without the pressure of romance or sexual expectations, as friends socializing

Joint Activities: Couples participate together in social, recreational, spiritual, and intellectual activities—such as exploring a historic town or attending group events—rather than in isolated romantic settings.

Observation of Traits: The low-pressure environment allows individuals to observe their partner’s true personality. These traits include sense of humor, listening ability, manners, thoughtfulness, dependability, spirituality, maturity, financial discipline, conflict resolution skills, emotionally and mental stability, communication skills, etc.

Casual dating: At this stage, two people begin to emerge from a group or build a friendship into a couple. This process is unique; they like each other, not love each other. They have already discovered a few basic things they like. Yet emotional involvement is quite low. However, both individuals are free to date other people. The intention is to discover people who have the qualities you are looking for to build a healthy and successful relationship, family and life together. The duration of this process is about six to twelve months. Purpose: This is an “unhurried” time to learn about each other’s habits, backgrounds, likes, and dislikes before moving toward romantic commitment. You get to meet both parties’ families and associates casually. Experience how they are treated and treat their family. No excessive impression, sexual relations, nor commitment to be together.

Special Dating: The “special” dating stage is often a 3 to 6-month mark, known as the transition from the honeymoon phase to deeper compatibility assessment, where partners move beyond infatuation to evaluate long-term potential. This period involves navigating deeper emotional intimacy, revealing true selves, and establishing trust. It involves:

Emotional Attachment: A noticeable, growing emotional bond and attachment between the two people. Increased Time Together: The couple begins spending more time together than during the casual dating phase. Lack of Formal Commitment: Despite the growing connection, the couple has not yet reached the level of commitment found in a “steady” relationship. They are still free to see other people. Transition Point: It serves as a bridge, helping a couple determine whether their values, habits, and backgrounds (learned in previous stages) align enough to move to Exclusive Dating or the steady dating stage, in which the two agree they will not date others. They see each other more often than in casual dating. For the first time, words like ‘commitment’ and ‘exclusive’ come into play. It serves as a rigorous “trial period” where a couple tests their compatibility and commitment before considering marriage. Serious Evaluation, this is a time to look “over each other carefully.” It provides a window to observe vital personality traits such as maturity, spirituality, dependability, and how one handles differences of opinion. By now, the relationship is about 18 to 24 months. A good time to do psychotherapy together. Healing the discovery and understanding each other with professional help.

Testing Commitment: This stage reveals if both individuals are capable of remaining faithful to a single relationship. Emotional Intensity, as the couple spends more time alone, feelings of love and trust often escalate. Sexual urges may reach a high point during this phase, making it a critical time to maintain boundaries.

Formal Engagement: the sixth stage of dating before marriage.  It is defined as a deep commitment to marry, rather than an end goal in itself. At this stage, marital counselling continues or becomes much deeper psychotherapy. Marriage is within 12 months. Both parties have discovered their qualities, as I spoke of last week; they are looking for, or can live with, each other.

This entire process, following this structure, takes 24 to 36 months, providing you both are in the same geographic space and see each other weekly before a beautiful wedding and a healthy, successful family in marriage. There is no need to be fearful of marriage. When we are health out attraction and entertainment of others will be healthy too.

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• dating, Dr. Telford Layne, Marriage, Psychologist

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