EMOTIONAL INCENT

Dec 21, 2025 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – Sons especially are husbands and providers of their mothers. The daughters have it worst, being daddy’s spouse and caregiver. When problems or challenges came up, you had to act with more maturity than your parent(s). As a child no matter the age, you found yourself giving advice to your parent(s) when they had romantic difficulties. When your parents argued, you found yourself taking sides (or expected to take sides) and defending one of them. When your parents argued, you had to step in and help them resolve things. Your parent(s) turned to you, instead of their partner or another adult, to unburden any feelings of emotional distress they experienced. After an argument or conflict with the other parent, your parent(s) turned to you for comfort and support. To help maintain family harmony, you took on responsibilities in childhood that weren’t age appropriate. You recognize that you couldn’t fully enjoy your childhood. The needs of your parent(s) took priority over your needs. You envied the relationships your friends had with their parents. You realize you had to mature, or “grow up,” sooner than your peers to better support your parent(s). You had to consider, or even manage, household responsibilities for your parent(s). On the surface, this closeness might seem positive, even beneficial. But it’s not the same as family cohesion, or healthy closeness, and it can become quite confining.

In relationships that involve emotional incest, the parental figure views the child as they would a spouse, close friend, or their own parent. They may reveal personal problems to the child and seek advice, support, and comfort. They expect their children to respond like another adult would, even though this is beyond the child’s maturity level. Children may be guilted into taking on this role and do whatever they can to please their parents.

Healthy parent/child relationships involve appropriate boundaries. There is an understanding that parents provide support to their child and seek their own emotional support from other outlets, like a friend, partner, or therapist. Parents know and respect their children’s limits and do not place inappropriate expectations on them. They treat them like children, not adults.

When made to emotionally fulfill the role of a spouse, children can develop a variety of psychological conditions. However, with treatment like therapy, the cycle of abuse can be broken. Emotional incest, also called covert incest, describes an unhealthy family dynamic where a parent relies on their child for emotional and practical advice and support. Despite the name, it doesn’t involve physical sexual abuse: “Incest” refers to inappropriate emotional closeness. Emotional incest can also happen unconsciously. In a dynamic of emotional incest, your parents treat a child, not as their child, but more like a romantic partner. Instead of providing appropriate parental guidance and helping a child to meet their emotional needs, they, parents, rely on their child for: comfort and company when they feel lonely or sad. Help navigate their financial concerns. Advice on navigating conflicts at work or in their personal relationships. Being loyalty to them, especially in family and or spousal conflicts rather than the other parent

Why Do Adults Engage in Emotional Incest?

Parents who engage in covert incest often don’t see their approach to parenting as harmful. They may think that they are doing what is right as a parent and fail to see how their behavior toward their children is problematic. Each family is unique and parents may display emotional incest for different reasons, like if they had a parent act similarly when they were a child, or if they’re going through a divorce and relying on their children for too much emotional support. This emotionally incestuous parent may be more likely to engage in emotional incest when. They have experienced emotional incest themselves. They lack good role models and knowledge of how to parent a child in a healthy way. Parents are divorced. Single-parent and stepparent families are at greater risk for emotional incest. One parent struggles with mental illness or addiction. The parent who is not mentally ill or dealing with addiction may form an unhealthy bond with the child to try to help the mentally ill or addicted parent. Yet this behavior can still cause significant pain, not to mention disrupt healthy development. In fact, physical and emotional incest can have similar long-term effects on child development. Parents who commit emotional incest often lack their own healthy support systems. They may be single, divorced, or in an unhappy marriage. Families may be dealing with addiction or mental illness.

Potential Consequences of Emotional Incest

Children who experience emotional incest are at risk for anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. They may develop eating disorders or sexual dysfunction issues, low self-esteem, and perfectionism. It can also create problems with the other parents (if they are present) and siblings, who may feel resentful of the closeness between parents and children. Children, teens, and adults that experience emotional incest may struggle emotionally and in relationships with others. Victims of emotional incest learn that their primary role is serving the needs of their parents. This unhealthy dynamic can affect their expectations and behavior in other relationships as they grow older. Additional adverse impact of emotional incest in children and teens include and looks like. Feelings of guilt or unworthiness. Feeling responsible for a parent’s feelings. Difficulty making and sustaining friendships. Isolation from others. Conflict or strain with siblings and/or the other parent, Poor self-esteem. Perfectionism.

These impacts continue or evolve into adulthood. Being a people pleaser. Lack of self-identity. Fear of rejection. Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Fear of getting close to others. Putting the needs of others before one’s own. A strong desire to succeed but sabotage it. Finding a partner that is similar to one’s parent. Eating disorders. Drug or alcohol addiction. Sexual dysfunction issues.

In summary, parents aren’t children’s responsibility, it’s the other way around. Children are parents’ responsibility. We not only rob children of a better future when we as parents are unhealth but generations to come. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle for parents is essential for fostering healthy habits in their children and ensuring their long-term well-being.

If you have dealt with emotional incest, therapy help you heal and move forward in your life. It is common for children who grow up with emotional incest to struggle in future adult relationships. They expect others to treat them the way their parents did or find themselves in similar relationships. Therapy provides you with an opportunity to understand how your childhood impacted you, heal from childhood trauma, and help you learn healthier ways of coping in relationships.

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• Emotional Incest, incest, Psychologist, Telford Layne

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