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Why stop at fingerprint?

Jan 30, 2025 Dem Boys Seh, Features / Columnists

Dem Boys Seh…

Kaieteur News- Oh gosh, Opposition! Dem boys seh y’all really out here trying to mek voting harder than getting a tax compliance. Fingerprint verification? Dat sound nice, but why y’all stopping there? If we really want fi make sure nobody ain’t cheating, leh we go full Mad Scientist pon dis thing! Mek Election Day look like something outta a Star Wars episode.

First, fingerprints alone? Nah, man. Dat too easy. What if somebody thief yuh fingerprint with scotch tape and glue? Leh we step it up! Bring yuh birth certificate, yuh marriage certificate, yuh baptism paper, and yuh great-grandmother birth record too. If yuh cyan prove yuh great-grandmother was born in 1892, sorry, yuh cyan vote. Democracy is serious business, not no joke ting!

But wait—leh we add retina scan too. Mek every voter stare into one a dem fancy machine like dem CIA movie. If yuh blink, yuh out! If yuh eyes red from last night lime, yuh out! If yuh wear contact lens, yuh out! And if de machine break down? Well, dat just mean democracy taking a lil nap. No big deal.

Now, leh we really mek it spicy—DNA testing! Set up lab at every polling station. Swab yuh mouth, wait three hours, and if yuh DNA match yuh great-grandmother birth record, den yuh good to go. If yuh cyan wait? Sorry, try next election. And if yuh DNA come back saying yuh 2% alien? Well, dat just mean yuh extra special, but yuh still cyan vote.

Opposition, mek we go all out! Handwriting analysis, voice recognition, lie detector test—mek every voter sing de national anthem backward while standing on one leg. If yuh fall, yuh out! If yuh forget de words, yuh out! If yuh voice crack, yuh out!

Dem boys seh dis is how y’all really want fi run tings? Mek voting so complicated dat only NASA scientists and Sherlock Holmes cyan participate? Well, at least we know de three people who make it through de process is 100% legit. Big up, Opposition! Y’all really out here trying fi save democracy by killing it softly.

Talk half. Leff half.

(Why stop at fingerprint?)

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