TONGUE IN CHEEK

Mar 16, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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The English Language is as straight-forward as Bernie Madoff or Sir R. Allen Stanford.  One example will suffice – the words “flammable” and “inflammable” mean the same thing whereas “competent” and “incompetent” are opposites.  So what about “assurance” and “insurance”?
Many people use the words interchangeably.  For instance, translated into real life and current events of shocking magnitude, you could say with certainty and considerable accuracy: “If you are a CLICO insurance policyholder you will be catching your assurance all now.”
While it seems that within the insurance sector there might be a distinction (for what has become an undistinguished business indistinguishable to many from organised or disorganised crime), in the public eye and the glare of publicity, there is an easy solution for those whose curiosity prompts further investigation of this linguistic conundrum.
It is reputed that Jennifer Lopez (J Lo) had her rear end insured for one billion dollars. If this is true it can be considered “assurance” as distinct from “insurance”.  If, however, she insured her entire body (as one newspaper claims) then it is “insurance” although there is a considerable amount of “assurance” in it.
According to the “Urban Legends” webpage, “With the possible exception of that work in progress known as Michael Jackson’s face, no celebrity body part in recent memory has achieved greater prominence than J. Lo’s derriere. It is enthroned as an object of veneration on fan websites.
“It is said to have inspired a new trend in below-the-waist surgical implants. Gossip columnists have worn out thesauri hunting down superlatives to describe it — ‘ample’, ‘deluxe’, ‘abundant’, ‘big”. ‘Salon’ magazine devoted an entire essay to its cultural significance.
There’s no getting around it, Jennifer Lopez’s personal fame has very nearly been eclipsed by that of her own behind.”  The article added: “In 1999, tabloids on both sides of the Atlantic — The Sun in London and the New York Post — ran articles claiming that Jennifer Lopez had indemnified her body — her entire body, please note — to the tune of $1 billion.
“Even though pound-for-pound the singer’s boobs fetched a more generous appraisal than her hiney ($100 million per breast vs. $300 million for legs and buttocks combined, according to the Post), word on the street soon had it that the ‘abundant butt’ alone was valued at a cool billion.”  Lopez unsportingly denied the whole thing.
In order to provide the assurance that my sojourn into J Lo’s anatomical endowments is motivated more by the Prudential than the prurient, let me draw to your attention another insurance policy which is firmly fixed on a bottom line that is different from, and larger in scope, than J Lo’s.
Costa Coffee, a company that competes with Starbuck’s in Britain, insured the tongue of its chief taster, Genaro Pelliccia, for £10million. Mr. Pelliccia ensures that the 108 million cups of Costa Coffee drunk worldwide each year meet his standards. He personally tastes every batch of raw coffee beans at the company’s roastery in Lambeth, south London, before they are roasted and shipped to its stores.
The company responsible for the policy is Glencairn, a broker of the famous Lloyd’s (of London Insurance Company), which usually specialises in providing cover for shipping and mining companies keen to protect their cargo. What is their reaction to this golden tongue?
A Glencairn spokesman said: “The taste buds of a Master of Coffee are as important as the vocal chords of a singer or the legs of a top model, and this is one of the biggest single insurance policies taken out for one person. It shows how valuable Gennaro’s tongue is to the Costa brand.”
So if the costa coffee at Costa Coffee goes up, blame Genaro.  Similarly if Marc Anthony’s blood pressure goes up, you know whom to blame.
Genaro’s tongue comes under David Beckham’s legs which are insured for £40million.  It is more than the “palate” insurance of Egon Ronay, a Hungarian food critic (£250,000), and the “nose” value of Ilja Gort, a Bordeaux wine maker (£3.9million).  Michael Flatley, the Irish step-dancer, is less than Beckham, perhaps because he can’t bend it as much, but still £25million of insurance for his legs is worth a trip or two.
America’s Ferrera of “Ugly Betty” fame has insured her smile for £5million, and Bruce Springsteen’s voice, which graced the pre-Inauguration party of President Obama and Super bowl 2009, comes in at £3.5million.
Former Australian cricketer, Merv Hughes, had his famous handlebar moustache insured for £200,000.  Fortunately, he had no sideburns that could have spread to his upper lip.
An article by Kimberly Lankford in Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine on Weird Insurance (October 1998) states: “Fears of alien abduction plague enough people that at least one insurance company offers a policy that will pay if little green men come to take you away.
Or maybe An American Werewolf in Paris has you nervous about turning into a hirsute creature of the night. No problem. The same company writes a policy to guard against such a metamorphosis. You can also buy coverage against being injured by a ghost, eaten (as opposed to abducted) by an alien, or hit by an asteroid (hey, it could happen).”
The article continues: “Perhaps even weirder than the risks the policies insure against is that so many people have purchased coverage — some 20,000 alien-abduction policies, for example, have been sold. Who buys this stuff? “Normally, they’re feeble-minded,” explains Simon Burgess, a former Lloyd’s of London underwriter who is now managing director of Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson (GRIP), the London insurance brokerage that has tapped the Twilight Zone market.
GRIP, which specialises in disability coverage, has also sold about 4,000 immaculate-conception policies, which pay if paternity is ascribed to You Know Who (“very popular with girls called Mary,” says Burgess), and 4,500 of what he calls John Wayne Bobbitt policies, which pay if a knife-wielding wife… well, you remember the story.
(In case you were wondering, policies for any of the above cost $150 a year for $1.5 million in coverage.)”  GRIP has actually paid one alien-abduction claim.
When I discovered that, in addition to insurance on tongues, there are policies on the virility of stallions, I considered this week’s case and cause célèbre, the matter of banker-gigolo, Helg Sgarbi, who pleaded guilty to seducing and blackmailing several extremely wealthy women and conning them out of millions of euros.
Mr. Sgarbi has not revealed where he hid the tapes of torrid sexual encounters with the women he fleeced, or the money he took from them.  One wonders whether, while languishing in prison for six years, he might not be tempted to take out some insurance on whatever asset or assets made him so attractive to women. He might actually consider just getting a GRIP on himself.
*Tony Deyal was last seen telling a female friend about the £10 million insurance on the coffee taster’s tongue.  “That’s interesting,” she replied, “but can he breathe through his ears?”

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