How should I date with the intention for marriage?

Mar 29, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – The divorce rate is increasing. More people are disinterested in getting married because they have seen or experienced the hurt and pain first-hand of their parents, friends, other family members or are even scared of their own ability, fueled by low self-esteem. Divorce cases in Guyana have seen a “rapid increase,” with Family Court filings nearly doubling from 606 in 2017 to 1,129 in 2018.

This is about three divorce filings per day, in a country of 800,000 people. While often cited as low by regional standards (approx. 4.25%), high rates of separation and common-law breakdowns exist. Women initiate about 80% of divorces, with a notable rise in “grey divorce” among those 45 and over.

On the other hand, common-law relationships are increasing. The three differences between common law and marriage are a lack of commitment, more sex in common-law relationships than in marriage and deception, mainly on the woman’s part, that they will get married.

Successful marriage requires a healthy you and intentional preparation so that your choice can be sound and healthy, thus avoiding the trap of attracting someone based on your childhood trauma: someone who is not healed and who is as toxic as you are. There are two push factors towards marriage: a healthy you in love with a healthy person, or you being governed unconsciously by unresolved trauma that attracts and finds someone attractive based on trauma. There is no love with the latter; it is attraction and trauma bonding.

Those who did not do the required inner work on themselves before marriage are in the 51%+ divorce rate. Mind you some divorcing now aren’t because their partner is not a reasonable person, but one partner(s) has realized that they married based on trauma and need to exit the marriage to save themselves and their mental health. This highlights that the success of marriage is not based on years together or accumulation of assets but purely based on enhanced mental health of both parties, free of infidelity, abuse, neglect and their triggers.

DATE WITH THE INTENTION OF MARRIAGE:

Preparing to date for marriage involves cultivating self-awareness, emotional maturity, and clarity on life values, rather than just focusing on finding the right person. Key steps include healing from past trauma, defining non-negotiable standards, developing social skills, and establishing financial discipline to ensure you are ready to be a loving partner. The mindset of marriage should not be marrying to have what my parents did not give me, but to complement my equal.

EMOTIONAL AND PERSONAL GROWTH

The number one psychosocial milestone for those aged 18 to 40 is to develop and sustain a healthy intimate relationship. Intimate here refers to a romantic relationship and to a close, meaningful relationship with family and friends. A young adult will experience isolation, social stigma, self-induced stigma, and societal stigma if, at this age and stage of their lives, they are unable to have and sustain healthy friendships and socialization. The onset of mental illness commences and strengthens. To achieve this developmental milestone, between 18 and 25 years of age, someone who wants to be married and have a happy, healthy marital life should seek psychotherapy. To address the unresolved trauma impact that was inflicted primarily by parents or caregivers. The impact of abuse and neglect and poor parent-child relations have crippling effects on adult children. Learning the ability to recognize poor and unhealthy relationship patterns of parents that are now unconsciously proactive by you, the child.

Emotional maturity is the strongest predictor of a healthy and successful marriage.

Heal Past Wounds: Address unresolved heartbreak, trauma, or childhood patterns that might cause you to repeat unhealthy relationship cycles. Desiring not to be like mommy with 5 children for 5 different men or daddy with 5 children for 5 different women is not enough. Understanding the personal lifestyle, the interplay with emotional dysfunction and cognitive distortion, impact on your thinking and feelings, now manifested in unconscious behaviours, is the way forward in addressing generational trauma or repeating your parents’ missteps.

Develop Self-Awareness: Identify your emotional triggers and learn to manage your feelings (stress, anger, anxiety) independently so you do not rely on a partner to “fix” your inner void. Triggers are an indication of your unhealed wounds that remain suppressed intentionally by you because of the discomfort and pain required in addressing them.

Practice Accountability: Move away from blaming others and learn to take responsibility for your own happiness and role in conflicts. Between birth and 18 years, we are our parents’ responsibility. Most of our parents would have tried their best, but in the process, created significant damage because they, too, were significantly damaged by their parents. Be it that or another reason, now as an adult, your first significant accountability is to take responsibility for your mental and emotional state. Spending the time in psychotherapy, investing in yourself and understanding your strengths and weaknesses. Building a team for yourself will strengthen your self-confidence, help you be more resilient in an unpredictable world, and help you establish core values that are fundamental to your decision-making and guidance as an adult.

Cultivate Independence: Learn to be content and purposeful while single so you do not rely on a partner to fill a void if you cannot or do not feel comfortable taking yourself to dinner or the movies. Suppose you are uncomfortable spending time with yourself. This is a key indication that there is so much more to do for yourself. It is your work to do and not others to do for you.

DEFINE YOUR CORE VALUES

 Identify Core Values: Identify your essential values (e.g., faith, family, religion, financial habits). Question yourself, why is my core value honesty, if it is because daddy was dishonest to mom, and that was the reason for their divorce? Having honesty as a core value means being honest with yourself too. Our values must also reflect who we are to ourselves.

Set Boundaries: Establish healthy, respectful boundaries early to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic. Learn to be vulnerable.

At the end of this purpose, you must have a strong identity, sense of purpose, healthy self-esteem, be free from triggers, be emotionally regulated, and be in control of your mental illness or personality disorder. To be continued…

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• dates, Dr. Telford Layne, intention, Marriage, Psychologist

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