Overcoming shame Part II

Feb 01, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift -Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – Shame is a feeling that can make you believe there is something wrong with you. It is not an emotion. Instead, it is a core belief you have about yourself, shaped by societal expectations and your psychological imbalance. Growing up in shame involves internalizing feelings of being fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or a burden, often stemming from childhood trauma, neglect, or chronic criticism. This “toxic” shame acts as a survival response, causing individuals to hide, self-sabotage, or develop a “persona” to avoid rejection.

Last week, we looked at the devastating impact, short-term, long-term and generational, on an individual living with shame, more so from childhood. This week in closing, we will look at how to overcome shame, moreover, overcoming shame paralysis. There are four steps.

Step one-Labelling your emotions: Labelling the emotion relating to shame is a crucial first step in managing it, as shame often operates in secrecy, silence, and judgment, causing us to feel “I am bad” rather than “I did something bad.” It is a self-conscious. To properly label shame, it helps to distinguish it from related emotions: Shame (“I am bad”) vs. Guilt (“I did something bad”): Guilt is focused on behaviour and can be adaptive (leading to repairs), while shame is focused on the self and is often destructive.

Shame vs. Humiliation: Humiliation is a form of public shame, often involving unwanted exposure or unfair treatment. Shame vs. Embarrassment: Embarrassment is a milder, often temporary, feeling related to social awkwardness, while shame feels more profound and more permanent

Physically, uncomfortable emotions can be identified through specific bodily and psychological markers. Shame is experienced in the body, often as a sudden “hot” response. Key physical markers include: Blushing or feeling heat: A flash of heat in the face, neck, or chest. Physical collapse: A feeling of becoming smaller, slouching, or slumping shoulders. Lowered gaze: Avoiding eye contact or looking down. Freezing: A sense of being frozen in place. Stomach turning: A feeling of sickness in the stomach.

Identifying Behavioural Signs of Shame

When you feel shame, you might notice the following behavioural patterns: Urge to hide or disappear: The desire to escape the gaze of others. Isolation/withdrawal: Social withdrawal and avoiding interaction. Perfectionism: A desperate attempt to cover up perceived flaws. Defensiveness: Lashing out or blaming others to deflect attention. Silencing: Hesitant speech or avoiding sharing thoughts

The cognitive aspects (Internal Dialogue). Labelling the internal narrative is essential. Shame often sounds like:

With shame, you may tell yourself, “There is something wrong with me.” Rather say “My decision I made turned out to be the wrong one that was made. I understand why and will make better decisions going forward”.

With shame, you may tell yourself, “I am not good enough.” “I am a failure.” Rather than say I became pregnant because I chose to have unprotected sex, I will take a few semesters off and get adjusted so I can continue with my dreams.

With shame, you may tell yourself, “I am a failure”. Say, “For a while now, I have been struggling with impulsivity. I kept spending when I should have been saving and investing. I will get help for my impulsivity and make lifestyle changes.

Naming the emotion (e.g., saying “I am feeling shame right now”) is a key strategy for reducing the power of shame. Labelling helps you to realise and separate from the emotion—you feel shame, you are not shame.

Labelling bypasses Defence: It allows you to move from a “freeze” state, shame paralysis, to being curious about what you are protecting yourself from.

Labelling is an antidote – Empathy: Because shame thrives in secret, sharing it with a trusted, empathetic person can dissolve its power.

Step two —Self-discovery is the continuous, lifelong process of understanding your true self—including your core values, needs, desires, strengths, and motivations—beyond societal expectations or external pressures. It involves self-reflection, introspection, and stepping out of comfort zones to align your life with your authentic purpose and passion. Shame is a trauma that separates you from your authentic self, hence a false self emerges- the survival you.

Step three – Self Forgiveness and Self-Compassion: Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are interconnected; evidence-based tools for emotional healing, enabling you to treat yourself with kindness rather than judgment after failures.

Self-compassion fosters a nurturing, non-judgmental space, while self-forgiveness involves accepting responsibility and releasing shame, allowing for growth and resilience without bypassing accountability.

Self-Forgiveness: The process of accepting responsibility for past actions, releasing negative emotions, and committing to positive change. It is not about ignoring accountability, but about holding oneself accountable while releasing unproductive Guilt and shame, and forgiving oneself for not making a sound decision, for not trusting advice or guidance from others, for becoming pregnant out of marriage, or for not doing enough to save one’s marriage. For not being financially prudent. For not furthering your education when the opportunity arrived. For not being a better parent to your child(ren). For betraying someone’s trust in you or even betraying yourself, etc.

Self-Compassion: Defined as being emotionally supportive toward oneself, recognising one’s humanity and imperfections without engaging in harsh self-denial. It involves holding oneself with kindness, especially during difficult times and accepting that you made the best decision with the information you had. That you are human, like everyone else, and you are allowed to make mistakes and fall short. Avoid self-stigma and resist the labels that society or your parents seek to impose on you. Moreso if you are the eldest or last sibling, or a woman

The Process: While self-forgiveness allows letting go of past wrongdoings, self-compassion helps understand the human nature behind the mistake, fostering a kinder, more accepting attitude.

Step four – Identify Triggers: Recognise situations, thoughts, feelings or behaviour that cause you to feel shame. Shame is a profoundly uncomfortable emotional state triggered by internalised beliefs of worthlessness, fear of social devaluation, or experiences of humiliation.

Common Triggers of Shame are Childhood and Social Experiences: Childhood abuse, neglect, bullying, or harsh, critical parenting styles. Rejection, humiliation, or social disapproval from others. Internal Expectations/Perfectionism: Failing to live up to personal, unrealistic standards or experiencing failure. Secrets and Concealment: Keeping secrets out of fear that one’s “true,” flawed self will be revealed.

If you are unable to identify triggers, I encourage you to become self-aware of your behavioural reactions to shame. Isolation/Withdrawal: Hiding from social interaction to avoid further judgment. Masking/Perfectionism: Acting overly competent or cheerful to hide insecurities.

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• Overcoming shame, psychological imbalance, Psychologist, shame, Telford Layne

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