Fear of abandonment in me

Jul 12, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.

(Kaieteur News) – Men benefit more than women in a relationship. But it’s men that behave the most recklessly to jeopardise the relationship than women.

Men are terrified of being abandoned by women. So we try to maintain the peace but ended up doing more harm than good. Men are dissatisfied and unfulfilled and concerned, even lonely. These affect his daily function and relationship. His woman noticed and ask what was happening.

He says nothing to maintain the peace, or from saying something to hurt her feeling, which he knows will drive her away. So men stay quiet in that discomfort but after a while, this discomfort manifests itself in infidelity, flirting, longer hours at work, anger, resentment, etc. As he tries to find fulfillment; all because he is fearful of abandonment.

The origin of this fear rest in his relationship with his parents from birth to age seven. There it’s been nurtured all his life until this point. Our behaviours and actions in current relationships are all due to be the result of old fears and learned concepts that take place in childhood.

• Men that are fearful of abandonment
• Attach quickly—even to unavailable partners or relationships
• Fail to fully commit and have had very few long-term relationships
• Move on quickly just to ensure that you don’t get too attached
• Aim to please
• Engage in unwanted sex
• Stay in relationships no matter how unhealthy they are
• Struggle with being hard to please and nitpicky
• Have difficulty experiencing emotional intimacy
• Feel insecure and unworthy of love
• Find it hard to trust people
• Are often jealous of everyone
• Experience intense feelings of separation anxiety
• Have feelings of general anxiety and depression
• Tend to overthink things & figure out hidden meanings
• Are hypersensitive to criticism
• Contain repressed anger and control issues
• Engage in self-blame frequently

Most importantly men with fear of abandonment by their women are:

Angry Man

When men lash out in anger against those they love, it damages the relationships they are most dependent on for support and love. Why would anyone engage in such blatant self-sabotage? The answer is that most men don’t realise that their anger is a secondary emotion and that their primary emotion is fear. An angry outburst is often only the visible “tip” of an iceberg composed primarily of a deeper fear of abandonment that looms ominously beneath the waterline.

Most of the time, the existence of this fear is unconscious, which makes it difficult for the angry man to realise that he is frightening away the very person he is afraid of losing. Men’s anger is often an instinctual reaction to a perceived threat, like a blaring siren that sounds during an air raid. The greater the perceived danger, the more intense and hostile the reactionary anger.

When something sets off alarm bells in a man with a fear of abandonment, the part of the brain that would help him survive in an actual crisis takes over, and he often lashes out verbally with the same intensity and energy he would use to fight off a human intruder or to escape a life-threatening natural disaster.

Remember that in a very real way, his emotional survival does feel threatened.

The abandoned infant’s cry is rage, not fear.” In the same way, men who fear they will be abandoned and left all alone respond with a rage that indicates how deep their need for connection and nurture truly is. We do not lose this dependence on love when we grow beyond infancy. Men are simply taught to deny or suppress it.

Timid Man

Men act out as a result of a fear of abandonment and become timid men. Timid or apprehensive behaviour seems to be intuitively connected to a deep-seated fear of isolation, so this is the type of man who is usually labelled as having abandonment issues. Unfortunately, anxious or insecure behaviour does not produce the result the timid man is after intimate, secure connection with another self. It often drives people away.

Any potential adult attachment figure is going to gravitate toward a man who at least appears to be secure in himself. Abandonment issues usually come to the surface when a timid man is already in a relationship. There is usually some triggering event or experience that sounds the alarm within him, telling him that he is at risk of being rejected and left all alone.

Attachment theory teaches us that our loved one is our shelter in life. When that person is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, we face being out in the cold, alone and helpless.

We are assailed by emotions – anger, sadness, hurt, and above all, fear. This is not so surprising when we remember that fear is our built-in alarm system; it turns on when our survival is threatened. Losing a connection with our loved ones jeopardises our sense of security. The problem compounds when the resulting anxious, fearful behaviour either weakens or risks destroying the very relationship it is desperately trying to sustain.

Superficial Man

Men with abandonment issues sometimes act out to play the role of “the superficial man.” Some guys keep everyone at a distance, maintaining only surface-level relationships with people. This type of behaviour is often a defence mechanism that essentially says, I won’t let you get close enough to hurt me.

This type of man won’t strike you as having abandonment issues. He probably looks like the most well-adjusted, popular, confident guy around. After all, everyone seems to like him and be on good terms with them. However, when you look a little closer you will notice that while everyone in the room seems to be an acquaintance of his, he’s not a true, loyal friend to any of them. His network of relationships is a mile wide and an inch deep.

Men with abandonment issues, no matter how old he is, need professional intervention. Getting back into his pass and changing his cognitive narrative, which will empower him to change his behaviour.

 

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