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A Christmas Morning Survival Guide
(Kaieteur News) – Dem boys seh, Christmas Eve is a special kind of madness. Is licks you taking in the supermarket, is last-minute string-up lights falling down, is kitchen smelling like a distillery from the black cake. You collapse into bed at 2 a.m., your head full of tinsel and terror. But dem boys seh, congratulations! You have survived the war. Now, for the victor’s spoils: Christmas Morning.
First, ignore the “joyful” noise. Dem boys seh, that rustling and whispering at 5 a.m. is not Santa’s reindeer, is your offspring plotting your fiscal demise. Do not engage. This is the time to pull the blanket or sheet over your head and practise your deep, snoring breathing. Dem boys seh, if you snore loud enough, you can convince them that waking you is a health hazard.
When you can resist no longer—say, around 7:30 a.m., when the sound of gift paper packaging being murdered with bare hands reaches a crescendo—you emerge. But not with vigour.
The key to the gift-opening spectacle is commentary. Dem boys seh, you must not simply say “nice.” You must offer profound, weary analysis. Hold up a garish tie. Sigh deeply. Say, “The vibrancy of this colour… it speaks to a chaotic inner truth. Thank you.” Then, slowly sip your coffee as if it’s a potion keeping you alive.
Finally, dem boys seh, the ultimate Christmas Morning power move: After the pepper pot, the Strategic Nap Location in next. You must claim the epicentre of the chaos—the couch now buried in gift paper—as your own. Amidst the cacophony of beeping toys and arguing relatives, you will achieve a state of Zen-like slumber.
Dem boys seh, there is no greater declaration of festive triumph than to snooze peacefully through it, having officially surrendered to the beautiful, blessed ridiculousness of it all. Merry Christmas. Now, pass the remote before I konk out. Because Home Alone is a compulsory watch on Christmas Day!
Talk half. Leff half
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