Cheating is a not the problem, it may be a symptom of…

Nov 30, 2025 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – For decades, we have been fed incorrect information on infidelity. It was dished out this way to protect one gender, while shaming and guilt-tripping the other gender. This approach did not help with the relationship or with selecting the right partners. It created fear of intimacy and decision paralysis. “That men are cheaters and so they stay”, this cultures women to accept cheating from men or avoid men in total. While men were allowed to do as they like. If 6 of 10 men are cheaters, who are they cheating with animals or the opposite sex? It 6 of 10 women are emotionally unfaithful, who are they unfaithful with animals or the opposite sex?

The other myth is that cheating is the problem. A partner leaving their relationship for sexual or emotional needs cannot be the problem. There has to be a cause why infidelity was chosen as a means or option; this approach sheds light on the dynamics in the relationship leading to infidelity. Cheating is not the problem; cheating is the byproduct of a problem, a symptom of…

What are the ofs?

Power corrupts, but so does powerlessness. A 2021 study suggests that what appears to be a gender difference in cheating may really be about power. Males showed a higher incidence of cheating than women, but the study found that having power in the workplace, not gender, turned out to be the strongest predictor of cheating, in part because it was associated with greater confidence. There were no gender differences in actual and desired cheating. The researchers predicted that as women gain more power in the workplace, their rates of cheating would rival men’s.

Most men will also cheat when they lack power, especially when they feel inferior to their wives and girlfriends. Men who are financially dependent on their female partners are more likely to cheat. This seems to be related to a sense of threatened masculinity that triggers compensatory behaviours.

Personality disorder is a mental health condition characterised by a long-term, inflexible, and unhealthy pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving that deviates significantly from cultural expectations and causes significant distress or impairment in daily functioning. Several personality disorders, particularly within the Cluster B group (dramatic, emotional, or erratic disorders), are associated with a higher likelihood of infidelity due to traits such as a lack of empathy, impulsivity, and a strong need for validation.

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) / Psychopathy: Individuals with ASPD exhibit a pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights and feelings of others and societal norms. Reasons for infidelity: They typically lack empathy and remorse, are manipulative, and prioritise their own pleasure and gain without considering the consequences of their actions on their partner.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): Characterised by grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Reasons for infidelity: Narcissists often feel a sense of entitlement, believing they deserve special treatment and that the standard rules of monogamy do not apply to them. They may seek external validation and ego reinforcement from new partners, especially if they feel unfulfilled in their primary relationship. The gender ratio of narcissism between men and women is almost the same.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): People with BPD struggle with emotional instability, impulsivity, and an intense fear of abandonment. Reasons for infidelity: Impulsive behaviour, including sexual impulsivity, is a core symptom. Infidelity might occur in an effort to seek validation, to self-soothe from painful feelings of emptiness, or as a preemptive strike if they perceive a threat of abandonment.

Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD) is characterized by extreme shyness related to low self-esteem and sensitivity to rejection and criticism from others. Individuals with avoidant personality disorder have difficulty making friends and feel very uncomfortable in social situations. It is difficult to share personal feelings and thoughts in close relationships because of the fear of being put down. Reasons for infidelity: These individuals avoid close and intimate relationships are more likely to engage in casual sex. They are in relationships, fearing being close, but casual sex provides the opportunity to be intimate without sharing emotions or being emotionally connected.

Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) is often linked to infidelity, driven by an extreme need for attention and approval. Individuals with HPD may engage in infidelity as a way to gain validation and feel desired, especially if they feel their primary partner is not providing enough attention. Reasons for infidelity: Constant attention-seeking, a profound discomfort when not the center of attention, leads them to seek it from multiple sources. Inappropriate sexual behaviour, exhibits persistently flirtatious and provocative behaviour, often perceiving relationships as more intimate than they actually are. Emotionally shallow and rapid shifts, their emotions can change quickly, and they may use sex and seduction to solve problems or get what they want.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is linked to unfaithfulness due to symptoms like impulsivity and a need for novelty-seeking, which leads to risky behaviour. Reasons for infidelity. Impulsivity: poor impulse control, which can lead to acting without fully considering the consequences, potentially resulting in an affair. Novelty-seeking: The brain’s search for new and stimulating experiences can make someone with ADHD more attracted to the excitement of new relationships or affairs.  Dopamine-seeking: Engaging in activities like cheating can provide a significant dopamine rush. Emotional dysregulation: Makes it difficult to manage relationship problems, leading to destructive behaviours like infidelity

Two closing points. Suppose you are in a relationship with a chronic or serial cheater. They have been caught and promise over and over to change. They won’t because they cannot do it on their own, with professional help, they need to diagnose for the real problem, which makes cheating a byproduct. Then, with professional help -behaviour modification- they can gradually alter their lifestyle. If they refuse professional help, your self-esteem will determine your next decision. Love and respect yourself or Ill-treatment and abuse.

Secondly, if you are dating with the intention of getting married, focus on the person’s personality traits and get to know them inside and out. Avoid the detractions of looks, money, potential, focus on childhood experience, and the making of who this person is. Before setting a wedding date, sit with a psychologist, not for marital counseling but for psychotherapy. To understand who you are, who your partner is and the best chances going forward. Love is very important, but love is not all. This approach will help in building stable relationships and marriages that support your purpose and identity.

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• Cheating, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Power corrupts, Psychologist

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