Emotional Labour Cost, especially on women

Jan 18, 2026 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift -Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – My 22-year-old son, at the age of 16, told me on a casual discussion we were having, ” Dad, you are not emotionally supportive of me. The old school in me wants to ask him why he thinks he has a mother.  However, I was more stunned that my son, not my daughters, wants emotional support from his father. I was awakened. There is still a societal expectation that this kind of labour falls to women, caregivers, service personnel, and other disadvantaged groups. Emotional labour is a growing rate of divorce and the breaking up of relationships. Women are initiating it. Emotional labour is disguised as poor relationship quality and burnout. The conclusion is that the relationship benefits men more than women.

Emotional labour is unpaid and usually unrecognised. Women bear the brunt of emotional labour. It is an essential quality in relationships, families and workplaces, but one that must be shared. Emotional labour is the unpaid, and often undervalued, support, care, and comfort we give to others at the expense of our own comfort.

When we are comforting a sick kid, scheduling our partner’s appointment, or even when they never remember, we are outlaying emotional labour. It might also look like appeasing the in-laws, making reservations, or explaining to an individual why their joke was offensive to others in the room. It also shows up at work when we are the ones making sure everyone feels included, or picking up the birthday cards for office celebrations. Furthermore, if you work at a place that has a “the customer is always right” policy, you are trading in a great deal of emotional labour.

The problem is not in providing comfort to others. I want to support my daughter when she is sad and do not mind scheduling my partner’s appointment or sending the card. The challenge comes when I am the only one doing it. When it becomes my other job. For women and marginalised groups, emotional labour tasks are often expected yet undervalued. That labour is also delivered on top of our responsibilities and personal needs.

In romantic relationships, emotional labour—the effort to manage one’s own emotions, anticipate others’ emotional needs, and respond to their emotional challenges—can have significant adverse effects, particularly when the burden is unevenly distributed. The following is the experience of those who are emotionally labouring the most in a relationship, mainly women.

Burnout and Chronic Fatigue: Constant emotional management leads to a state of being “emotionally drained” or “running on fumes,” resulting in profound mental and physical fatigue.

Loss of Self and Authenticity: Individuals, often women in heterosexual relationships, suppress their own needs to maintain harmony, eventually losing touch with their personal identity and genuine emotional responses.

Mental Health Issues: Overload is linked to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and high cortisol levels, which can lead to long-term health complications like high blood pressure.

Cognitive Dissonance: Using “surface acting”—faking emotions while hiding true feelings—creates internal conflict, resulting in feelings of inauthenticity and alienation.

Growing Resentment: The partner carrying the heavier load often feels undervalued and invisible, leading to deep-seated resentment that erodes the foundation of the relationship.

Emotional Distance and Disconnection: When one partner is depleted, their capacity for genuine listening and connection decreases, causing a breakdown in intimacy and a sense of being “shut out.”

Conflict Cycles: Defensiveness from the partner who provides less labour can escalate minor issues into major arguments.

Decreased Relationship Satisfaction: Research indicates that persistent inequality in emotional labour is a strong predictor of relationship dissolution.

Performing Desire: Partners (predominantly women) may feign sexual interest or fake orgasms to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings or damaging their partner’s sense of masculinity.

Tolerating Discomfort: Emotional labour can manifest as suppressing physical pain or discomfort during sex to prioritise a partner’s pleasure over one’s own.

Reduced Pleasure: Engaging in sexual activity for relational maintenance rather than personal desire leads to lower overall sexual and relational satisfaction.

Protecting yourself

1. Date men who are emotionally available and emotionally intelligent. Your unhealed childhood trauma will make emotionally immature men attractive, trauma response one, and want to fix them, trauma response two.
2. Start the Conversation by naming it: Gently explain you feel overwhelmed by the “invisible load” (planning, remembering, checking in) and want to share it. Choose a calm, non-stressful time for this talk.
3. Be Specific: Instead of “do more,” say, “I would love it if you handled dinner planning on Tuesdays and Thursdays”. Deal with Kyah when she starts throwing tantrums or schedule time to unwind daily after work.
4. To deal with emotional labour, set firm boundaries (learn to say “no”), practice mindfulness (deep breathing, meditation), prioritise self-care (exercise, hobbies, rest), validate your own feelings (do not suppress them), and seek support (friends, therapist) to prevent burnout and regain control. It is also crucial to communicate needs, especially in relationships and work, and to find outlets for genuine expression.

Partners Support

1    To help with emotional labour, husbands can start by having open conversations to name the imbalance.

2   Take Ownership of Tasks: Identify Invisible Loads: Notice tasks like remembering birthdays, scheduling appointments, or managing conflict.

3  Initiate: Do not wait to be asked; volunteer to take over entire domains, like managing pet care or family social calendars.

4   Follow Through: Once you own a task, handle all aspects, including the decision-making, to relieve your partner of the stress.

5  Build Emotional Awareness & Support: Tune In: Pay attention to your partner’s moods and body language, not just your own.

6 Ask & Listen: Ask how they are doing and be receptive to difficult conversations, creating a safe space.

7    Show Appreciation & Build Connection: Say “Thanks for handling that!” to reinforce positive changes.

8   Be Vulnerable: Share your own struggles and feelings to build unity, rather than expecting your partner to fix things for you.

9   Give Space: Sometimes emotional support means giving your partner space to self-regulate, showing you trust them to manage their needs.

10  By shifting from “helping” to “sharing” and “owning,” husbands build partnership, reduce resentment, and foster a deeper, more balanced connection

Children’s support:

1. Teach Children to Help (and Manage Their Own)

Identify & Name Emotions: Help kids recognise their feelings (happy, sad, frustrated) and those of others, using books, games, or daily check-ins.

2. Validate Feelings: Let them know it is okay to feel strong emotions, even if the behaviour is not okay (e.g., “I see you are angry, but hitting is not allowed”).
3. Teach Coping Tools

If we are emotionally healthy and in a relationship with someone who is also, we can empower our children to be emotionally aware, supportive, and healthy, which will benefit us greatly. The success and health of your relationship depends in emotional labour.

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• Emotional Labour, Psychologist, Telford Layne, Women

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