Risk of marrying in the 20’s… (Part 2)

Nov 16, 2025 Features / Columnists, News

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By Dr. Telford Layne Jr. PsyD, MSc. Postgrad, BSc.
Clinical and Developmental Psychologist – Psychoanalyst
Unwrapping Gift – Clinic

(Kaieteur News) – A healthy relationship with ourselves starts with self-discovery and personal development. Having a healthy relationship with ourselves depends on a healthy parent-child relationship or psychotherapy. If your childhood was traumatic at 19-20, you should be seeing a psychologist, to help with self-discover and guide with personal development.

At 18 trusts in others; able to be vulnerable; healthy self-esteem; being independent person with agency, independence and agency; believing in one self-unwavering and developed capacity of competence; firm self-identify and purpose, all should be in place at that age.

These are needed in adulthood so when we get involved in relationships, we do not get lost serving other at our own expense.

In almost all cases, we commence our adult lives with abnormalities we acquired from our parents and community that are destructive to our relationship with ourselves and others. Personalities are formed by the age of 18.

By 18, one can have clusters of personality disorders, paranoid, avoidant, narcissistic, dependent, borderline, antisocial, mental illness such as bipolar, schizophrenia, chronic anxiety, depression, or PTSD. Having these psychological imbalances without knowing them is a travesty. The next thing that happens is relationships falling apart due to maladaptive behaviour. We are lost and trying to figure out what is happening, fighting for an everyday life. It is an undercurrent of the last 18 years of childhood baggage. We are physically ready for a relationship, but are not mentally or emotionally.

Most 18-year-olds who turn into adults are either passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive. Both are trauma responses to traumatic experiences at the hands of parents or the community. It is a middle ground between passive and aggressive behaviour, involving honest, straightforward communication to reach mutually beneficial solutions.  This is not everyone’s story but if you are is highly risky and challenging to be in a long term healthy and committed relationship let alone a marriage.

Last week I shared some of the risks associated with marrying in one’s 20s, today I present some more of these challenges.

Ongoing Personal Development: Your 20s are a formative decade where you discover who you are and what you want from life. Your values, goals, and even personality traits can change significantly during this time. Marrying early means you and your partner must learn to grow together, and there is a risk of growing apart as you both evolve into different people. The human brain, particularly the frontal cortex, the center of executive functions, does not fully mature until around age 21, with trauma in the late 20s. Your ability to make a healthy, comprehensive decision is lacking.

Incomplete personal development: Your brain is still developing until your mid-to-late 20s, and you may undergo significant changes in identity, values, and goals. What you want in a partner at 22 may differ from what you want at 32. Moreover, this is a reality because of childhood trauma, where identity, sense of purpose, self-esteem, being vulnerable and comfortable in your strength and competence were hijacked because of childhood trauma. Now you have to unlearn and learn what it means to be…

Financial instability: Many people in their 20s are not yet financially established, which makes it difficult to make major joint decisions about housing, careers, and other significant expenses. People in their 20s often have less established careers and fewer financial assets. Financial pressure can be a significant source of conflict and strain in a marriage, and a lack of stability can make it harder to weather unexpected challenges. You are not marrying to pool your money and build an empire. That is a tap. You have your own money. Your potential is working. You have a degree, a professional career or a business. Your chance of getting divorced because of a money fight is 62%

“Growing apart”: Your 20s are a time of significant personal growth, as you navigate your career, build new friendships, and redefine your relationship with family. It can be challenging to grow in the same direction and at the same pace as your partner. As we get older, towards our 40s- between 40 and 65, the new psychosocial milestone is not a healthy relationship; this should be established and maintained in 18-40 (22 years to get it right). The birth of 40 to 65 is leaving a legacy, contributing to our children’s lives and society in significant ways. It is where we reach our peak in growth and development. The foundation has to be set in our 18-40 age range, more so 18-30. This is the very reason most people who got married in their 20s fight to get a divorce in their 40s.

Lack of Life Experience and Emotional Maturity: Marrying young means you have less independent life experience, such as living alone, travelling, or managing a household on your own. A lack of emotional maturity can make it challenging to handle conflicts effectively, communicate needs, and manage the inherent difficulties of married life. You may lack the life experience to understand what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looks like, especially if your parents had not had one (that is, almost 18 years of seeing a dysfunctional relationship and experiencing it as a child), which leads you to make poor choices or tolerate unhealthy dynamics. Children who were abused and neglected by their parents are more likely to start relationships at a very early age. To get what they never got from their parents. That is a trap. You now, as a young adult, have to REPARENT your life. Giving yourself what you never got from your parents before you enter a committed relationship.

Limited Social Circles and Support: Abused and neglected children move into adulthood with smaller social networks or have not yet established robust support systems in their communities. This makes it difficult to find external support or mentorship when facing marital challenges.

Opportunity Cost: Choosing marriage and potentially an early family life in your 20s means putting specific personal or career ambitions on hold. Putting personal development and self-discovery aside to have a child or marry is a no-no. It is robbing yourself and setting yourself up for failure later in life or for painful, challenging hardship. Decisions made early in your 20s can lead to feelings of resentment and regret later in life if the goals you did not pursue become a source of dissatisfaction. This, in turn, breeds poor mental health.

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• marrying, risk

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