A dead stop, Guyana is a dead duck

Jun 14, 2024 Features / Columnists, The GHK Lall Column

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Kaieteur News – I came to a dead stop: “ExxonMobil bills Guyana $55B for dry holes drilled in 2023” (KN June 07, 2024).  Somebody just drilled a hole in my head, and it is not the PPP.  I was afraid but had to look at that caption again.  It wasn’t there, that telltale US in front of the $ sign, thank God for small mercies and a big helping hand to this magical land.  See how ‘In God we Trust’ has incomparable value?  Fellow Guyanese, that $55 billion is a thing of beauty.  Here is how.

Exxon went back to its old playbooks compiled over the years, dusted them off, and found the chapter.  It is a thick one with many pages and is titled: “Billing for offshore underwater operations.”  It requires Navy SEALS to unlock its secrets, and Guyana doesn’t have any, unfortunately.  Charge them for dry holes, stick it to them, and what will they know, what can they do?  Guyanese are given one guess as to the identity of those described as “they.”  Even my pen and my mind run dry, I must admit.  It is a nice, sweet racket, for how does one prove a negative?  That is, did Exxon spend that much, or didn’t it?  Let me help my local sisters and brothers with how this works.  Guyanese have neither earthly idea nor any iota of intelligence about what Exxon is doing out there, and dry holes are good as any to drop some big bills on Guyana.  Think of this: even the gushers (the seven new announcements of oil discoveries) have nothing about how much oil is there.  According to Mr. Routledge and others, there is an appraisal process in the works, and it could take years.  A whole lot of Guyanese would be dead by then.  I keep telling fellow citizens: these officers and gentlemen at Exxon are thinking people.  They just have to take their time, to what is the best way, and how much they can shaft poor, innocent, Guyanese.  By the time those appraisals are done, the once exciting discoveries may be reported to be drier than a bar on Good Friday.

$55B gone overboard, and this is where that transplanted Southern belle, Ms. Katryn Mickells, the wizard (better make that princess) of profound numerical acumen proves her worth among the big boys of Exxon.  CFO Mickells is not Princess Margaret; she is all business, and her idea of fun and frivolity is anything with a dollar sign.  Millions are for the bottom feeders and newcomers, billions are where the bacon is, the returns are.  A billion here and a billion there, and one and one adds up to $55B.  I just proved all those who said that I can’t count to be dead wrong.  Bottom-line: Guyana is a dead duck.  Switch to dead dog for those who are poultry friendly.  I give preemptive warning: don’t expect any bacchanalian excitements from any staged audit exercise with sno-cone stuff like Zuma exercises and Yoga classes.  If anyone is wondering about the link between bacchanalia and yoga, I urge them to stop thinking about the orgiastic and focus on the spiritual.  Come to think of it, the two are related.

$55B for dry holes and all in a single year.  Folks, that is a billion a week.  Somebody in Texas or Duke Street (not the US Embassy) just hosed down Guyana.  It would be closer to the truth to attest that a rubber hose was introduced to the head of Guyanese.  No wonder that Guyana’s oil strongman, Dr. Bharrat Jagdeo, walks around like a dog that was struck by a truck.  Gobbledygook and gibberishare what comes out of his mystified mind, and that is his contribution to the literature of better contract management.  $55B buys chemicals by the tons, hires ghostships with ghost crews (no work and all play) by the handful.  This was a fearful ‘Dutchmaan country’ now it is a total wreck: a jumbie society overflowing with zombies.  Start with the PPP.  Exxon spends, Guyana signs off.  Exxon bills by the billions, Guyana buys pigs in bags and by the barge load.  Didn’t a battalion of people say that Jagdeo is a wise guy?  Well, they were right.  The problem is that Alistair Routledge and Katryn (my name is money) Mickells are infinitely smarter.  It is called American exceptionalism. To his credit, Jagdeo has gotten with the Exxon programme.  He should be Guyana’s gatekeeper.  Instead, he is fully committed to being Exxon’s army ranger, enforcer.  Mr. Routledge can’t believe how lucky he is.  He traveled all over America and the world pitching Exxon’s star, then he came to Guyana.  And it is heaven, for there is Bharrat Jagdeo, and Exxon has never had a better partner and plotter, collaborator and guerilla fighter, and public relations officer and company deliverer.  Everything that belongs to Guyana is on a platter.  What a fine fella, this guy Jagdeo is.  The next time he goes to America (ha ha!), there is a medal waiting for him.  It is not to wrap around the neck.  It is to be tightened across the wrists.  And just for Bharrat Jagdeo, it is gold-plated, paid for by Guyana’s oil money.  That is part of what $55B for dry holes buys.

(The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this newspaper.)

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• Billing, ExxonMobil, GHK Lall, Guyana, playbooks

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