The ‘unspeakable’ act in relationships

Oct 20, 2019 Countryman, News

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By Dennis Nichols

It’s not really an unspeakable act. Taboo may be a better word to describe how otherwise rational, intelligent people freeze if or when they are asked to talk in a simple, straightforward manner about … drum roll … sex! Not the gender, but the act, heterosexually – the most natural and vital of all relationship expressions in the animal kingdom; and we are animals.
Is it because we have found, with our superior brains, how to intensify its ‘guilty’ pleasures to the point of delirium? Or because over time, sex and the body parts most involved have somehow become associated with dirtiness? Probably. Very few people seem to have the command, composure, and confidence to overcome embarrassment evoked by the subject, especially when the audience is children or young adults.
Strange, that of all aspects of human behaviour, we should feel shame over the sex act and the emotions surrounding it, seeing that it is responsible for our very existence, notwithstanding God, in-vitro fertilization, artificial insemination, and surrogate mothers.
Coupling is obviously still the preferred method, and whether or not procreation is the goal, it is a big, big deal. However, its anticipation and its joys can quickly sour – then all hell may break loose, leaving anger, disenchantment, and often death in its wake.
Guyanese know it, and the world knows it. But much of ‘it’ is unspoken or postponed for a more opportune time which comes too late, or never.
It’s a global dilemma. In Guyana, literally every day our local media and the asphalt grapevine spread the ‘dirt’ on sexcapades, sex crimes, and relationship trauma. A few may be funny, but when there’s nothing to laugh about, we should be talking instead.
The guys and gals who are caught in the media net of sex scandals are a miniscule few compared to those who either elude the dragnet or whose perceived peccadillos are not gossip-worthy. Well, like Shakespeare said, “There’s the rub!” Thoughts of sex, the act itself, and its consequences, may trigger some powerful feelings and urges, which many of us feel uncomfortable talking about. Subterfuge, slyness, manipulation, and betrayal creep in, swell, and too often explode into anger and violence. So why not talk instead, as honestly and openly as is necessary in a particular situation.
Talk straightforwardly about sex, obviously within limits of decency. Talk tactfully with young children, understandingly with teenagers, and frankly with partners. It’s certainly easier said than done, but I also know that honest discussion, especially with teenagers and young adults, will go a long way towards not only sanitizing and redeeming the act for many, but also opening up dialogue at a number of levels, including nationally-televised fora.
Where children are concerned, a parent can help a child overcome shame and embarrassment by providing accurate information to counter what he/she may be hearing from peers at school, along with unhealthy sexual behaviour.
At a school where my wife taught some years ago, a teacher caught two boys, about age 7, ‘fooling around’ anally. Upon enquiring, one of them told her he was just tickling the other as he had seen two guys doing somewhere. In cases like that, there is usually some sort of corporal punishment followed by a talk about nastiness or sin, and a promise wrested from the offender/s to never even think of doing it again. Almost certainly the same thing would happen if it were a boy and a girl. Aren’t these teachable moments where, heaven forbid, one might at least acknowledge the fact that children have sexual feelings?
We could start this kind of education at home, by first of all using the correct anatomical names for our body parts. We all know the list of more acceptable, silly, or vulgar terms used to describe them, and the act itself. And when children ask where babies come from, tell them the truth. We should be intelligent and tactful enough to do so without going into the intimate details which are confusingly embarrassing enough for some of us.
Of course, with all our emotional and psychological hang-ups, many will feel uncomfortable discussing the rawness of certain facts about sex and relationships. That is understandable, since there could be a real danger to doing so, for example, with children who may want to experiment sexually, but whose minds and bodies are not sufficiently mature to deal with the awe, the intimacy, and the consequences of it.
So tell them just that, and explain that like it or not, there are laws which prohibit certain types of behaviour. It is now considered a truism that children are generally much more understanding and shrewd than we give them credit for. They know what is happening out there, and despite (or because of) the impact of social media, they want to know how to become the best they can be. It may seem surprising to some adults, but I think many of them also want to reflect the morals and values their parents are trying to instill in them.
Sex kindles intense emotions – love, lust, ecstasy, jealousy, and fear. It often involves the laying bare of the soul’s deepest and sometimes strangest desires in the vulnerability of intimacy. And indeed it is said to have biological, mental, emotional, and spiritual elements that are not easily understood or explained.
But there’s also a superficial side to it. For some men it is little more than the scratching of an uncontrollable itch; for some women little more than a conjugal duty. Nothing to shout about. But even then it can have huge repercussions. So no matter how you look at it, the narrative is a necessary one.
I don’t know how far or how well sex education has progressed in our schools, having last taught here more than 20 years ago. I do know that many parents and various organizations are very concerned about the implementation of a comprehensive programme based on sexual and reproductive health. That’s great, but most of us would admit that it should start in the home, and with honest, straightforward talk.
Children grow up to be adults. They will have relationships, they will marry, and they will have sex, not necessarily in that order. Some relationships will explode violently because initial attraction is mistaken for compatibility, and not everyone wants to talk honestly about it. That is the kind of thing children, youths, and even married folk need to learn – Guyanese as much as any other nationality. We see the fallout every day.
I end with this somewhat related quote from Irish playwright and cynic, George Bernard Shaw. “Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week, much less a lifetime.” Enough said.

(The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this newspaper)

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