An approach to break the cycle of domestic violence in Guyana

May 17, 2019 Letters

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DEAR EDITOR,

Why did all those victims, our fellow Guyanese women, killed by those who were supposed to love and protect them, most at the hands of their partners, have to die in such brutality? What does it take to end the cycle of domestic violence in Guyana?
So many questions run through my mind every time I read a horrifying headline that seems to repeat itself over the past months most commonly, “husband kills wife and then kills himself” – often in the most gruesome of circumstances. A pervasive problem in our society that cannot be dismissed or desensitized.
Domestic abuse includes any attempt by one person in an intimate relationship or marriage to dominate and control the other. This outrageous act is committed for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over its victim. An abuser doesn’t “play fair”, but rather, uses fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear its victim down and keep them under their thumb.
In order to approach realistic solutions to conquer domestic violence in Guyana, we must understand the various factors that contribute to this type of behaviour. Some of these factors that are associated with domestic abuse include poverty, lack of trust in partners, use and abuse of drugs and alcohol, mental health issues, and in my opinion, the most foundational root of domestic violence, gender inequality.
Violence is often a way for men to reaffirm their masculinity. And behind closed doors, intimate partners are the easiest target.
The solution to domestic violence is not black and white. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship are the first steps to ending it. Sometimes it’s not as simple as just leaving.
While there are many “success stories” of survivors who have broken free of the violence, not all the stories end well. In fact, it is shown that it takes seven tries before a survivor ends up permanently leaving their abuser. In the end, no matter when that decision is made, the safety of a survivor must be prioritized.
An entire network of people must be ready to support a survivor’s choice to leave. She must feel empowered, and constantly protected, along with her child/children. It takes a village to get out safely. This may not be the convenient path, and it may take sacrifice – but it is the only way, especially when someone has voiced that they want to kill you. Most importantly, a survivor should never or in any way return or contemplate to face the abuser once more at any given time when she is being protected.
Since we know that it takes so much for a survivor to leave their abuser, we must do more to promote healthy relationships and foster mental wellness. There must be a complete culture shift in the way women’s role in society is perceived by men in our wider community.
This takes a heightened level of commitment from men, particularly men in positions of power and leadership. It takes undoing toxic masculinity and the notion that “boys will be boys.” Indeed, no relationship can continue to grow on any level of ownership on the part of a dominating partner.
Too often, the moment a man feels he is losing ownership of his wife, he takes it out on her through abusive language, violent behaviour, or even at its peak, murder.
Therefore, as fathers, be intentionally and visibly vulnerable so that your sons can learn what that looks like, also communicate explicitly and constantly that masculinity is not synonymous with dominance, nor is it incompatible with empathy.
Domestic violence thrives when we are silent. But if we take a stand and work together, we can end the cycle. We can end it by telling our friends and family that we will not tolerate domestic violence, and by asking them to take a stand with us. We can end it by supporting the programs and shelters that provide refuge and safety for survivors and those in need of help.
We can end it by ensuring that our communities hold abusers accountable for their actions. It is important that every individual in authority who is placed to help and protect victims of domestic abuse should be fully trained to treat domestic violence as a high priority or a life-threatening situation.
Men, stop thinking that you have some sort of power and control over your partners. You do not own your wife. She is an equal partner in your union. Respect her, even when you don’t agree with each other. It’s also up to you to come to terms with any mental health issues you may have, including abuse you may have witnessed or experienced as a child, or pent up trauma that has yet to be addressed. This means a mental health professional can help you. Men – call out your brothers when they’re acting a fool – don’t turn a blind eye.
If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or that the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save their life.
Talk to the person in private and let them know that you’re concerned. Point out the signs you’ve noticed that worry you. Tell the person that you’re there for them, whenever they feel ready to talk. Reassure them that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let them know that you’ll help in any way you can.
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally or physically abused are often depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help getting out of the situation, yet their partner has often isolated them from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.
In conclusion, I leave you with a saying that has recently surfaced over social media stating “A divorced daughter is better than a dead daughter. When will our society understand this?” To all in our community, when one of our sisters is victimized, the first question we ask should not be: “What did she do?” Instead, it should be: “What could we have done to help?”
As Guyanese, let us raise awareness about domestic violence and join in our efforts to end violence. Together, we can make a difference.
The murder of Zaila Sugrim is the most recent death of a woman who suffered at the hands of her ex-husband with years of domestic abuse and unfortunately laid to rest in the most horrific and dreadful way by the same perpetrator.
Shahneeza Ally

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