“Depression almost made me kill my daughter”

Mar 19, 2018 News

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– a survivor tells her story

By Shevon Nedd

“I wanted to kill my daughter, not because I did not love her but because I did not want her to be in this world to suffer the way I was suffering.”
That’s the shocking admission Alecia Patterson made last Saturday at her 549, Mandela Avenue Home.
Alicia was suffering from chronic depression, a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how someone feels. thinks and acts.
Alecia was 22 when she gave birth to her daughter Adouna Patterson: her pride and joy.
She had a successful business, a great marriage, and a good life overall. But all that changed when Adouna got sick at the age of two.
For two years doctors were unable to say what was wrong with Adouna and this threw Alicia into a state of depression because her world was crumbling. Adouna was having seizures several times a day and was becoming more ill.
“It was a combination of everything, especially my daughter’s sickness. Things changed in me, I no longer saw the world as a happy place” Alias explained.

Alecia was unable to comprehend what she was going through at the time but thought it was a normal reaction to her daughter’s condition.
“I started feeling as if life was not worth it anymore; the feeling of complete unhappiness was all I was getting.”
She said during that period she woke up every morning not wanting to see the daylight. All she wanted to do was to be in a dark, cold room.
“I just wanted to be alone and not bothered by anyone,” she recalled.
This continued for more than nine years and got worse as the days went by.
It began affecting her marriage, her relationship with her daughter, and her overall physical health.
Adouna dropped back in class, Alecia was forced to close her business; and like many Guyanese, her husband did not take depression seriously.
“He said I had everything and I had no reason to be depressed,” she said.
With the support from her mother, a close friend, and her desire to get better, Alecia pushed on until she was able to put a name to what she was feeling.

Being Diagnosed

Help came in many different ways: through friends, family or even reading a book. For Alecia a CNN report which showed a depressed woman, who killed her children by drowning them, was all it took for her to understand that something was wrong with her.
“I remember clearly wanting to kill my daughter,” she said. Alecia was in pain—mentally—but did not want Adouna to suffer the same way she did.
At that time, she said, the thoughts of suicide were not going through her mind. “I can’t explain why I wanted to kill my daughter and not myself.”
To Alecia, this situation reported on CNN was relatable and being the avid reader she is, Alecia began researching her symptoms.
In Guyana many seem to believe that Guyanese cannot be depressed because “Guyanese people can handle anything, we don’t get duh” one person said. For this reason, Alecia hid the way she was feeling from everyone around her.
“I never let anyone know what I was going through because I thought I was the only one going through it, and I thought no one would understand,” she said.
But after suffering for nine years she became physically ill and had to be rushed to the hospital.
“When I was in the hospital the doctor realised that it was more than me being physically ill so he called in a psychiatrist who then diagnosed me with Chronic Depression,” she said.
Alecia said the voices that were telling her to do bad things were intense. But she was able to fight back because of all this new information available to her.
“In my mind, the information that I researched was there and I knew what the doctor said, so I knew not to do those bad things” she said.

Being treated for depression

One session a week with her psychiatrist, in addition to several pills a day was what Alecia was taking to treat her condition.
“I remember one day calling my mom and telling her I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to talk to a pastor…someone who would believe with me.” She recalled.
Walking became difficult, and driving was now impossible. Alecia now wanted to take her own life because of how she was feeling.
“I remember taking medication and all I wanted to do was run under a bus or a truck…anything.” She said she sometimes felt as though she was going crazy.
“I wanted to take cocaine because I thought that could possible ease my pain and help me deal with the side effects from the medication I was taking,” she said. But the thought of eating from a garbage bin kept her from trying cocaine.
“At one point I had to be taken to the intensive care unit because of how bad the situation was. My daughter was preparing for Common Entrance and it was really affecting her studies, instead of coming home to study, she was worried that her mom will not make it.”
Alecia said that she lost her entire thirties to depression but said she is now taking it back and will not allow depression to win.
“Happiness is more than material things, I know of so many persons who are multimillionaires but are unhappy, they drive the best cars and have the biggest houses but they are depressed.”

Recovering from depression
“I am good now, life is good, I am starting over and I am living the 30s I lost”
Alecia has now spent the last two years without taking anti=depression medication or having thoughts of depression.
She is now focused on spending time with her daughter who is now 17-years old and a student at the University of Guyana.
Alecia is currently in talks with persons to create a foundation anyone suffering from depression.
The foundation, she said, would provide the necessary help a depress person would need.
She said it is her desire to create a safe place where persons could have someone to talk to without being discriminated against.
Meanwhile, Alecia currently operates a restaurant at her home in Mandela Avenue where person can sit and have breakfast and interact with her if they need to.
“My vision is to create the best breakfast place where persons can come, sit and interact with me and the other persons here. This must be a safe space for persons to come and feel comfortable to talk about what they are going through.”
Alecia is now 42, and wants to inspire others to be open about their mental health problems

Depression, Suicide and Guyana
Over the years Guyana has been among the top five countries with the highest suicide rate.
One of the most frequently used suicide methods in the country is the ingestion of pesticide. In 2014, the government, in a pilot project, supplied 150 pesticides users with storage cabinets as a way to curb the suicide problem.
Persons are afraid to speak out due to the stigma attached to being depressed.
Though services may be available to assist depressed persons, the issue is not often placed on the front burner.
Just recently a man who came to Kaieteur News asking to speak to someone explained that he was feeling extremely depressed.
He said he had just left the Georgetown Magistrate court and because of the way he was feeling decided to walk into the Ministry of Social Protection to get help.
The man who said he had recently spent some time in jail for trafficking cocaine, explained that he is now trying to “live a straight life”
He said that after entering the Ministry’s compound he explained what he was going through to the security guard and ask to speak to someone.
Instead of being allowed to speak to someone who would’ve been able to assist, he was told “We don’t do that here.”
As frustration grew, the man said he then went to the Ministry of Public Security. He said he spoke to the Minister who forwarded him to another senior officer in the Ministry.
“As soon as I walked in the man’s office, I knew I was stereotyped because of how I look,” he said.
He was once again turned away.

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