Countryman: When our children mature to ‘adult realities’

Oct 01, 2017 Countryman, Features / Columnists

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By Dennis Nichols
Today’s story is not mine; it belongs to everyone who cares about anyone in a relationship, including

with our children. It is about the way we are born, how we live and relate to each other; how we are trained from infancy to adulthood, and often indoctrinated in the name of love.
It is explored in a book that I haven’t read but have a fair understanding of the direction in which it seeks to point us – the realization of our potential and the transformation of our lives towards what the author calls ‘personal freedom’ – the understanding that ‘every human is an artist and the dream of your life is to make beautiful art.’
The tragic drama that unfolded recently on the East Bank of Berbice and the continuous unraveling of lives across the length and breadth of our country are more than enough fodder for this narrative. Much of it has already been expounded on and explored in previous literature, but from what I’ve heard and read so far, this book looks at the human condition from a perspective linked to traditional Toltec wisdom which is marked by simplicity, with an unaffected spiritual component woven into its themes.
Every country on Earth is in some way or the other a microcosm of our global society, and of course Guyana is no exception. Neither is human, inhuman, and/or criminal behaviour. For example, acts of relationship betrayal and those such as the ones perpetrated against Leonard Archibald and countless other innocents have their parallel in every country, and as far as I am concerned, Guyanese, as a nation of individuals, are no more criminal-minded than say, the United States – a place that so many of us see as a paragon of upliftment and success. So this narrative speaks to people everywhere, more so to parents, caregivers, and their charges.
The book I’m referring to is ‘The Four Agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom’ by Mexican writer Don Miguel Ruiz, described as an author of Toltec spiritualist and neoshamanistic texts. I may be giving advertisement to a book I haven’t read, but I’m doing so based partly a review, and on a conversation I had recently with someone whose judgment I respect and value.
And if it’s going to help in any way in guiding us towards the goal mentioned earlier, then why not? Instead of trying to critically analyze what I’ve read so far, I will use the author’s actual words, and excerpts from a review by American psychology professor, John A. Johnson, to point the way.
The agreements themselves are deceptively simple: 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2.Don’t take anything personally. 3. Don’t make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. With the psychological and physical trauma millions of both adults and children suffer in mind, and the understanding that many of them end up as dysfunctional adults, Ruiz asserts that ‘all children are born perfectly loving, playful, and genuine. However parents teach their children standards of behaviour (they) must follow to receive love and avoid criticism. Eventually these standards become internalized in what psychiatrist Eric Berne calls a life-script – an unconscious set of instructions for living life.’ According to Ruiz, most of these unconscious beliefs are perfectly arbitrary or downright false.
Professor Johnson: Ruiz says that children do not know any better than to agree with the adult realities into which they are indoctrinated. Children do not argue with the meanings of words or grammar as they are learning language. If my parents tell me that I am smart and handsome, I believe them. If they tell me I am stupid and ugly, I believe them. Children have no choice but to agree. They are shackled and forced into believing that shadows of artificial objects are real. But as we mature, we can become warriors, breaking free from the shackles of agreements with our implanted, false ideas. We can accept healthier agreements.”
Me: Children grow up, become adult, and enter into relationships. As they do we may ask, “Are our children (in Guyana) indoctrinated into the kind of adult realities that lead them to unquestionably do what we tell them? Was Leonard Archibald abducted, or was he cajoled through trust into a situation that led to his death by ‘agreeing’ with an adult’s suggestions?”
Did he receive enough love and acceptance from his parents and caregivers to counter the possible negative influences of hypocritical adults in his community? And what about his abductor – a relatively young man; would he have stopped and considered the consequences of his actions if he had been compassionately nurtured by family and community in the manner suggested by Ruiz.
These are questions, the answers to which may determine the ‘choice’ between life and death. Here are some more personal freedom quotes and affirmations from Ruiz’s book.
An affirmation: “I will no longer allow anyone to manipulate my mind and control my life in the name of love … If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.
A bit of advice: “Be impeccable with your word. Don’t take anything personally … Always do your best … Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”
A quote: “Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”
A prayer: “Thank you Creator of the universe for the gift of life you have given me. Thank you for giving me everything that I ever needed. Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind. Thank you for living inside me with all your love and your pure and boundless spirit, with your warm and radiating Light. Thank you for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share lour love wherever I go. I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am. Help me to keep the lo ve and the peace in my heart, and to make that love a bew way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life.”
Of course these are just a few excerpts from the book and its review. I chose them because they help to underscore the nexus between the ‘agreements’ children make with adults and the reality of the artifice and manipulation so many of us project on to them even as they themselves become adults, and perpetuate the same.
No man, woman, or child is an island. Relationships are vital to the best and fullest expression of the human spirit, and they should embrace the best and fullest articulation of human nature. I think that’s something we should all agree on.
Before I conclude, and without in any way justifying the alleged actions of Leonard Archibald’s killers, spare a though for what the killer/killers may have experienced as children themselves.

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