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Embarrassment and civility
It used to be that one of the most powerful forces moulding our behaviour was the feeling of embarrassment. We were taught what “proper” behaviour was and if we swerved from the standard in front of others, we became embarrassed.
Not wanting to repeat that uncomfortable experience, we did the right thing. Today, however, we are exhorted to “do your own thing” and do not become “one of the herd”. As a result, we should not be surprised that anything goes.
It ranges from the transgressions of small social conventions to major faux pas
Quite a few people actually see the decline of embarrassment as positive. If upbraided over a particularly outrageous act some are quick to accuse the offended person of being “stuck in the past” and “not with it” – in a word, suffering from that widespread disease, not being “modern”.
Some will invoke the colonial era when “proper” behaviour was defined as whatever the expatriates decided was right – never mind local sensibilities.
In Jamaica not too many years ago, there was an elaborate academic disquisition of the phenomena of the “rude bwoy” and dancehall variations of “passa passa” and “dutty wine” etc. These innovations were seen as necessary correctives to the British-influenced pretensions of the coloured middle-class.
There is also the “bare all” free-for-all that has become the literal and figurative norm on the “reality shows” that now dominate the airwaves. Assured that “real people” act without inhibitions, we blithely follow suit. The motley denizens of reality television regularly put themselves into questionable and embarrassing situations so that they can later discuss, for our viewing enjoyment, how questionable and embarrassing their conduct was. If we are less easily embarrassed, it must be in part from vicariously experiencing so much manufactured embarrassment on the screen.
But they miss the essential point of our own critique: what has happened to our local sensibilities? Have we none? Or have we thrown out the baby with the bathwater?
As the boundary between public and private has dissolved, so too has our ability to distinguish between embarrassing and appropriate public behaviour. The result is a society often bewildered by attempts to impose any standards at all. Our leaders are perfect examples of this abdication of standards.
It is we the ordinary citizen that will have to stop the slide into barbarism. Unlike many other emotions, embarrassment must be learned. Because it is a learned behaviour grounded in social relations, embarrassment is a kind of barometer for a society’s notions of civility. Infants know nothing of this emotion, and parents often use the threat of embarrassment to teach young children correct and incorrect behaviour. Embarrassment is also a social emotion; its occurrence requires the real or imagined presence of others. Belch at a dinner party and you will likely feel embarrassed; do it while home alone and you’re unlikely to feel abashed. .
In “Behaviour in Public Spaces”, published in 1963, sociologist Erving Goffman described our public actions, from greeting friends on the street to answering questions posed by strangers, as signals of the strength of our commitment to our social communities. When we ignore these social niceties we risk not only embarrassing ourselves, but also sowing doubt in others about our social standing. No one enjoys being embarrassed. But it brings us all together as a community by reinforcing norms and policing the boundaries of propriety.
A capacity for embarrassment is a marker of normal humanity, or at least it should be. At the very least, embarrassment serves as a reminder that no matter our circumstances, we are more alike than not. It is the beginning of civility that assures a functional society.
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