“I’m now truly aware of love”

May 15, 2017 News

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• The agony and joy of a first-time mother

 

By Abena Rockcliffe-Campbell

He scared me at first. I was very much afraid of him. But the love that continued to grow in my heart is what forced me to overcome that fear. Now, I am happy to spend my first Mother’s Day as a woman who has found out what love is really all about.

Let me start from the beginning. When I was a child, long before I knew of what an oxymoron is, Whitney Houston’s rendition of “I will always love you” intrigued me. The line in the song that aroused my interest the most was, “bitter sweet memories…” I just couldn’t wrap my head around the two words coming together. I grew and understood the meaning but even then, never did I ever find myself in a situation that left me with bitter sweet memories until I got pregnant last year.

I was scared but elated at the news, especially since doctors had previously told me that my hormone imbalance would have made it harder for me to become pregnant. One doctor went as far as to say that I needed fertility treatment.

So now, there I was with a baby growing in me. It was not the experience I always dreamt about. Being a semi fashionista, I always thought that I would have clad myself in the most flattering ensembles and enjoy the “pregnancy glow.”

But instead of beautiful baby glowing face my pregnancy was characterized by morning sickness that lasted all day and mood swings that scared the crap out of my husband and other loved ones. It was so bad that my cousin and workmate, Kiana Wilburg would “approach with caution.”

Just as the era of persistent morning sickness elapsed, came the era that I would spend about 45 minutes to find a sweet position to sleep only to have to get up five minutes later to urinate; and so it continued through the nights. I also suffered quite a few muscle cramps. I recalled one night I had an attack of what we Guyanese call ‘muscle bound’, and I woke my husband up for a massage. He told me that he cannot get the calamine lotion so “you got to try deh”. Calamine lotion is used to treat Chicken Pox, so what did that have to do with my situation? Absolutely nothing, My husband was talking in his sleep.

I was due to deliver on February 4^th but Nairobi was born in January. I was very afraid of the cord wrapping around my baby’s neck, so ever so often I did ultra sounds to make sure all was well. On January 3^rd I took my last ultra sound. It revealed that there was a “moderate increase” of amniotic fluid. I was instructed to speak to my doctor immediately. My doctor told me that an increase usually indicates that the baby has an anomaly. I cried, cried and then cried some more.

My doctor cautioned me that ultra sounds can sometimes be inaccurate and told me “pull yourself together before you make things worse.” She said that I should do another ultra sound the following day. But Nairobi did not want to wait. That very night, my ‘water’ burst. I thought I was dreaming, but reality dawned upon me quickly. The entire bed was wet! I thought all the water was out. But when I got up I wet my bedroom floor. I woke my husband and, this time he was very alert. I suddenly felt extra cold, trembling and all. I wet the car on the way to the hospital, I wet the elevator up to my room and still there was water remaining to wet the entire floor of the room. Even though my ‘water bag’ had burst, I was not going into labour.

Soon it was D-day. On that day, I had thoughts of suicide and I later wanted to live forever. My doctor decided to induce labour.  I was given “drops”. At first, I thought ‘this is easy’. The nurse, Sady David, asked if I was feeling pain. I told her yes. Little did I know that that was a walk in the park compared to what was soon to occur.

When the real pain hit me, I was ready to jump through the hospital window. But the window had bars. The pain was excruciating. It felt like my back was being sawed in half. My friend, Sunita, held me as I went through the pain. Even though my legs were weak, I wanted to stand every time the pain hit me. Where was my husband during all this? He was just outside my room. Apparently mortified, he kept peeping in at me every few minutes.

My clothes were soaked in sweat, blood, tears, and amniotic fluid. I remember biting Sunita and hitting her. Suita had a friend who worked at the hospital. Her name is Terri. Terri found it useful to try and talk to me so as to take my mind off the pain. Bad idea. That got her chased out of my room. Oh was I ashamed to face Terri after things calmed down. But she was not the only one who felt my wrath. I chased the nurses who came to check my pulse and temperature. I mean come on, at a time like that?  I was a total pig. After about seven hours that seemed like seven days, it was time. I was ready for the labour room. They sent me to bathe, I did not allow the nurse to bathe me, Sunita had to do the job. I saw the concern on her face, but she tried to appear stoic.

As soon as I entered the room, Dr. Irene Quandie checked my dilation and said, “Baby is coming.” She told the nurses to ‘get the husband in here’. So now Hosni did not have a choice. He had to witness what he said “was the scariest thing ever.”

Doc said, “It is no longer time to breathe, time to push.” Oh was I happy to hear that. I began to push and while pushing she was telling the nurse about something she needed for me. I shouted on the doctor, “Can’t you see I am pushing???”

“Yes my dear I can. You’re doing a good job,” she responded.

Fifteen minutes later, she held a tiny thing in front my face by his one leg and asked, “What baby you have here” I said, “a boy” and I started to cry. I turned to my husband who looked like he just saw heaven and hell flash before his eyes, and gave him a smile through the tears. When my doc was finishing off, doing her stitches, the baby was being cleaned. I told her that she was taking too long; all I wanted was to be with my baby.

I returned to my room longing for his presence and when he finally came, I stared into those big, bright eyes. I was immediately intimidated. It was like he was asking me, “So I am here, what now?”

I held him and that evening the nurse left us to ‘bond’ but I wanted him to leave. My inexperience kept bothering me. I felt like the slightest thing I did could have hurt him and oh was he loud from birth. He cried when he came out and cried that night. I thought he was hungry, so I tried breastfeeding him, but wasn’t getting him to latch on.

The nurse took him away and even though I was in a great deal of pain I tried to sleep.

The next day I went home. Everyone cheered as I entered the yard. All I wanted was to sleep in my own bed. He slept too, but still wasn’t ‘latching on’, I grew anxious but eventually he took it. After the pain of my stitches subsided, I was better able to tend to him.

However when that pain ended, the breast pain emerged. My nipples felt as though they were bursting. When I overcame that, I had further complications with my breasts that required a minor surgery. But by then, I was not afraid of Nairobi any longer. I was filled with nothing but love for him and wanted to be with him all the time. Through the entire ordeal of my surgery and the following days of having to dress the wound, Nairobi’s smile and my desire to stay with him kept me going. I have experienced the best and survived the worst and oh am I happy I did.

Things are all settled now, and it is only up from here. I have begun to experience love like I never did before. He vomits and spits on me but I love it. So does my husband, Hosni. We make a good team. We both enjoy tending to Nairobi.

I know that this is what unconditional love feels like, I clean him, bathe him, feed him, endure sleepless nights and all he has to offer is love in return. I am now truly aware of love, and I feel as if God gives us children and loved ones as an incentive for all the other things we have to endure. Here’s to motherhood and all the joy it brings.

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