Never Late

Apr 24, 2017 Features / Columnists, Peeping Tom

“You are late… again!” said the man with the bright red shirt to his friend who had just entered. “You are a latecomer.”
The meeting place was a nice, quiet joint where you could enjoy a drink. The light however was poor, which had its advantages. It allowed you to concentrate on what was being said rather than who was saying this. It allowed for voice recognition and association. It allowed for a certain degree of privacy.
“Yeah,” chimed in the third man who was wearing a yellow jersey which looked like it needed laundering. He sounded like an echo, even though he did not repeat what was said.
The latecomer, dressed modestly in a white cotton shirt buttoned to the sleeves, tried to apologize, but the salvoes just kept coming.
“You bring your bad habits here,” the first man rebuked the newcomer. In Guyana, people are hardly punctual, but here time is money. If you are late, you are shown the gate. Time is money and money is time here.” He scratched as if an afterthought. Then placed one of his fingers in his nose and made two semi circles. It was hardly noticeable in the dim light.
The second fellow chimed in again, “The only two things that start on time in Guyana is cricket and funerals.”
The first man, interjected, “I once saw a Test match start late in Guyana!”
“Impossible!” said the second man. “No Test match ever started late in Guyana.”
“Yes,” insisted the first man. “This match was two hours late.”
“Nah, you are mistaken,” said his friend. “What were the names of the teams? And when did this match take place?”
“I cannot remember those details. It was a long time ago.”
“So how come you remembered that it was late when you cannot even remember the teams or when it was played.”
“I remember because it started late. There was rain on that day. The toss was spun near to one o’clock and the match started half an hour later”
That is delayed, not late.”
“Delayed or late is the same thing. It started behind time and that means it started late.”
“Why did it start late?” asked the latecomer.
“Because there was rain,” said the second.
“That is not starting late. That is another thing. Cricket does not start late.”
“So, guess what is the second thing in Guyana that always starts on time.”
“Political rallies!”
“Wrong,” indicated the second man. “Political rallies are always late. They start late and end late. Guess again.”
“The newscasts?”
“You are close but not near.”
“How can someone be close but not near?”
“I also know a man who was late for his funeral,” said the first man.
“How is that?” said the newcomer finally finding the confidence to speak.
“He was not only late. He was absent. The parlour prepared the wrong body. Was one big confusion. First time a funeral that started had to be pushed back.”
“Yeah!” said the second man turning to the newly arrived “You have not told us why you kept us waiting. “One of these days, you are going to be late for your own wedding,”
“Weddings are always late in Guyana, “said the newcomer. “Almost always. Hardly a wedding starts on time. So being late for my wedding will not be unusual.”
“Okay,” said the newcomer, “but I know of one thing which no Guyanese is ever late for.”
“What is that said the first man?”
“Guess, “said the latecomer”
“The fire service?”
“Wrong!”
“The police responding to a 911 call?”
“Wrong!”
“Your flight?”
“Wrong, but you are getting closer. This is the one thing that people do not turn up late for. The one thing.”
“I give up,” said the first man.
“I give up,” said the second man.
The latecomer stood up. Raised his head and said. “No Guyanese is ever late for his immigrant visa interview.”

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