This is a dangerous yet prevalent belief about raising children

May 18, 2015 Letters

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Dear Editor,
As a mother and parent I vicariously shared the pain being felt by Denise Mc Pherson whose daughter Alicia was murdered on April 19 . The mother intimated that for over a year her daughter had been in a relationship with the suspect, who has thus far managed to elude the police.
“Everywhere she went it was the boy”, she added.  There have been reports that on the night in question, the accused was seen slapping up the deceased, corroborated by an earlier report wherein the mother  said that she had noticed a bite mark on the hand of her daughter, and had inquired as to its origin, etc., as most concerned parents should, but settled for the excuse/ alibi by her daughter that she had gotten injured. Seemingly such a response was good enough for the mother, as it is not stated where any further information was elicited or investigation carried out.
From the parent’s perspective, reticence and silence in Alicia were desired traits, as the mother further added that her daughter was the kind of girl, who bore it alone and would not talk about what was going on. Alicia was stabbed 41 times, and this highlights a certain issue.
Sad but true, most parents need to wake up to how much every teenager, even the most typical, desperately needs his parents to be in close touch with his life. Such newly cognizant parents may feel they face a big hurdle — the notion that children, especially teenagers, have an inherent right to privacy.
This is one of the most dangerous yet prevalent beliefs possessed by our culture about raising children today. The affluent insist on it and the law sometimes enshrines it, but children are endangered by it. This notion of privacy is a direct result of the widespread but destructive mindset that the child and the parents have. I am not big on privacy rights especially where my children are concerned.  It was well established in my home, from the early outset in their youth, that they would not be having their own phone, television or computer in their room.
They would not be using any password or any of their devices that would prevent me from accessing their online activities. No Dear Diary or journal entries written in codes or unintelligible words. There would be no locks on their bedroom doors, and in fact, those doors will for the most part remain open. There was no mysterious withdrawing for hours on end, alone or with friends, behind closed doors in my home. A disengaged child will always be sought after and re-engaged, because today it should be clearer than ever that such a child is at risk.
Let the idea be grasped that I have no intention of listening in on my children’s conversations, or walking unannounced into their rooms, or checking their emails.  However, I do need to be at all times privy to their whereabouts, and be well aware of any individual outside of the home regardless of gender who has is having an impact on their lives.
There will always be the healthy understanding that I might and that in any case I possess the right and sometimes even the responsibility to do so in order to serve and protect them.  Is it naïve to think that the lives of teenagers can be such open books to their parents? It certainly would be if  teenagers were allowed to grow in the belief  that them and their parents were on opposing teams and with opposite goals.  Sadly, this is the case in so many households today.
We as parents, especially with daughters must teach our children that along with them we are part of a winning team. It is my undying belief that the extent to which our children are aware that we are all on the same team, regardless of what, is the extent to which their lives being open to us as parents can truly flourish – even in their teenage years.. These gestures are only starters, as it  should also be instilled in them even now that they are unconditionally love and listened to by us parents like no one else on  Mother Earth, and in addition that we have a responsibility for them like no one else on Earth either.  They must be left with the impression that they can come to any of time of say, any season any place or space.
The truth of the matter is if the lives of more teenagers, ( especially females) were open to responsible engaged parents, and less concern was paid to privacy rights,  then it follows to logical reason that more young people would be better equipped to safely navigate and circumvent  their teenage years on the way to becoming respectable men and women of character.
And, last but not least, we would have fewer infamous teenagers on the front pages of our national newspaper. The advice herein should be heeded so that the deaths of Alicia Mc Pherson, Aszeema Ali, Shondell Peters and so many other teenagers do not go in vain.
My heartfelt wishes for relief through their grief go out to the parents of these and all other teenagers who have lost their young lives at the hands of crazed lovers.  Let the mate not decide the teenager’s fate.
Concerned parent

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