PAPER OR PLASTIC?

Apr 29, 2013 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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“So what exactly is the point at tissue?” I asked my friend who had called to draw my attention to a toilet paper war supposedly raging between Jamaica and Trinidad.  He expected my response and said it is no laughing matter as, like the Myrie and cement incidents, it is likely to reach the Caribbean Court of Justice (CCJ) where the judges may have to sit on the matter.
The initial regional response to the problem was the utterance of one or other of the four-letter words for excrement uttered in mock anger, many times preceded by the word “utter”.  Then the situation unravelled or unrolled.  The Trinidad Express on April 18, 2013 reported that Trinidad and Tobago (TNT) and Jamaica were in a toilet paper row that was heading to CARICOM for a solution.
Obviously the situation was desperate since nobody with sense expects any solution from CARICOM.  Anyone in the far-flung outer reaches of the CARICOM Empire knows that if death came from Georgetown we would all live forever.  In this case, were it to be handled by CARICOM we would all be up the proverbial and appropriate creek in a puddle without a paddle facing a total wipeout.  The problem that is supposedly being sent to CARICOM is that TTL, a Trinidad manufacturer, complained to the Trinidad and Tobago Manufacturers Association (TTMA) that the Jamaican authorities were not allowing TTL’s products to enter the Jamaican market.  In other words they were under some kind of White Cloud.
One of the issues seems to have stemmed from a report in the Jamaican media that gynaecologists were seeing higher level of vaginal infections in patients. The culprit was narrowed down to inferior toilet paper (likely made from recycled paper) and samples of toilet tissue products were sent to the Bureau of Standards of Jamaica (BSJ) for testing.  Public health includes pubic health so that concerns like this are legitimate and it is the job of the authorities to get to the bottom of it.
On that same date, April 18, the Ministry of Health of Jamaica announced its decision to remove from the market, the four brands of toilet tissue found to be contaminated.  Dr. Winston Davidson, Head of the BSJ, stressed that despite public calls for the names of the contaminated brands to be published, the standards testing agency had to be cautious in its actions. He said the agency did not have the “legal coverage” to make the information public and had to be mindful of bringing the agency’s credibility into question.   The Jamaica Gleaner was not pleased with Dr. Davidson’s position and said in an Editorial, “He seems conflicted over what should take precedence: the protection of the public interest and people’s health, or shielding the Government from lawsuits which could result from action in support of the former. He chose to fear the lawsuit.”
In the meantime, Trinidad toilet paper manufacturers would have said “Bravo” to a letter in the Gleaner from a Dr. Clive R. Anderson, MD, who stated, “There is no credible scientific evidence to indicate that bacterial vaginosis or any vaginal infection may be caused by the normal use of toilet paper, even if it has a high bacterial or fungal load.  Vulval irritation, not infection, may occur in some persons as a result of the dyes and perfumes or other chemicals such as bleach or formaldehyde used in the manufacture of toilet tissue.”
Whether the issue would be an irritation or a full blown infection depends on how the rules are interpreted.  The Trinidad position is that microbial testing of toilet paper is not part of the requirement for Caricom trade agreements.  The case for the Jamaican public, put forward by the Gleaner, is that “Dr Davidson should allow the lawyers to quibble over the legal issues. His primary responsibility…is the protection of Jamaican consumers and the public health of the country. One case of infection from a sub-par product is one too many. We prefer to risk a lawsuit than the public’s health.”  In other words, don’t worry about being Dainty, forget the Finesse, don’t Cuddle up with the manufacturers of tainted products, this is not the time for acting Charmin or even being Thrifty, Purejoy will only be found when you sue their butts.
Seeing that I’m on a roll here, another type of “paper” has caused turmoil in Trinidad and the region by exposing a tissue of lies and deceit.  It is the report of the Integrity Committee of the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football (“CONCACAF”) which investigated public allegations about the integrity of the former leadership of CONCACAF, specifically President Jack Warner and General Secretary Chuck Blazer.  The matters included the ownership of the Centre of Excellence (the “COE”) in Trinidad, apartments at the Trump Tower and in Miami, whereabouts of funds, failure to pay taxes and to file tax returns and the completeness and accuracy of CONCACAF’s financial statements and audits for the past five years.
My friend, having made his point about the Jamaica situation, could not help it.  “First of all,” he said, “these people seem to be in the clothing business from the way they have tried to cover up the facts.  If you give Jack his jacket you must give Chuck his blazer.”  Then he made the crucial observation, “The first three letters in the abbreviation of the name of the organization are C-O-N. and the next four letters are C-A-C-A.  What do you expect from an organization with a name like that?”
*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that someone who wrote Sears asking about the price of its toilet paper was referred to page 867 of the Sears Catalog. The person wrote back, “If you had 867 pages I would not have had to write you.”

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