BIG BANGS THEORY

Feb 04, 2013 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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There is a rumour among rednecks that President Obama needed a private ceremony to take the oath of office to start his second term because he swore on a Koran that had been taken from Bin Laden’s Pakistan compound.  Late night comedian, Jimmy Fallon, commenting on the event quipped, “On Sunday the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-at ceremony for President Obama.”
The issue of Obama’s alleged fundamentalist leanings was further compounded by a bulletin from the Washington Post which stated, “Barack H. Obama drops Hussein from the presidential oath.”  The Post said, “The Barack Hussein Obama of 2009 has been replaced in President Obama’s second inaugural celebration by ‘Barack H. Obama.’
In taking the oath of office Monday morning before Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, Mr. Obama abbreviated his birth name, giving only the initial ‘H.’”  The Post later corrected this to, “The initial post incorrectly stated the president did not use his middle name in taking the oath of office.”
Obama’s second coming has seen an increase in the sale of guns, especially assault rifles.  As Late Night comedian and satirist Stephen Colbert rhymed, “There once was a man name Barack,/ Whose re-election came as a shock./ He raised the taxes I pay,/ And then turned marriage gay./ And now he’s coming after your Glock.”
There were several distractions that helped to warm up the cold winter’s day.  First there was the use of two bibles. Jay Leno noted, “President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles” and asked, “Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can’t get the job done anymore?” His rival, Conan O’Brien was sympathetic, “”President Obama’s inauguration is coming up. During next week’s inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You’re not a Muslim. You’re overcompensating.”
Kimmel went straight to the speech and the challenges Obama faced, observing, “The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears.”
Leno noticed the brevity of the speech and pointed out, “Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.”
Then there were the bangs, not explosions or gunshots, but Michelle Obama’s haircut. Jimmy Kimmel set the tone for the FLOTUS (First Lady of The United States) fashion frenzy, “”More than a million people gathered in our nation’s capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady’s new haircut” and then slipped in the knife, “”Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren’t easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber.”
Radio Free KLJH reported: “I love Michelle Obama,” the president said at the start of brief remarks at a candlelight reception at the National Building Museum. “And to address the most significant event of this weekend: I love her bangs.” “She looks good, she always looks good,” he added.
The bigger bang was the accusation that Beyonce mimed the National Anthem.  Conan O’Brien started the fun, “Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce.”
Bill Maher, normally in Obama’s corner, joked, “Let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank.”  One newspaper report called it the “Star Mangled Banner” and asked “Was Beyonce lip-synching the US national anthem on Monday, or wasn’t she?”
Reports confirm that the lip-synching question made headlines around the world and “Beyonce” was among the top Facebook conversations on Monday. However, Beyonce remains tight-lipped.  Now reports are that Obama also lip-synced his speech. According to one source, it was not immediately apparent however the recorder malfunctioned and something appeared to be amiss when Mr. Obama stated, “…Or build the roads and networks, the roads and networks, the road and networks…”
Had this really happened it would have been one of many weird inauguration moments.  A chicken invaded Nixon’s Inaugural Ball at the Smithsonian.  One report says, “While guests danced the night away, a female participant became quite ruffled when a chicken flew into her one thousand dollar VIP box and began to assault her.”
Then on January 20, 1953, when Texas-born Dwight Eisenhower, in the reviewing stand, was lassoed by a cowboy who rode up to him on a horse.  Strangest of all was William Henry Harrison who delivered the longest inaugural address in 1841 without wearing a hat or coat in a howling snowstorm.  He came down with pneumonia, and died one month later. His was the shortest tenure in the White House.
*Tony Deyal was last seen repeating David Letterman’s take on American values, “The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby.”

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