The first cut is always the deepest

Jan 06, 2013 Letters

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Dear Editor,
Help to stop violence against women.
The people that influence your thinking in the world of romance, being a ‘sweet man’ and the power and popularity of being a player, never really tell the truth of such a life. They never really tell you that one day you will fall in love. Only to realize that other sweet men, sweet women and players exist and will forever exist.
I believe there is a definite reason why the term “FALL” IN LOVE exist instead off “Stand” IN LOVE. Unless you have wings or you are a superhero with a cape, naturally the process of falling only ends when you hit a surface or grab on to something to break that fall.
When I was a child growing up, I had many dreams of falling from great heights. In those dreams I always woke up before landing. I don’t know why as an adult I have similar dreams of falling and only jump out of my sleep when I hit surface.
The pain of falling and hitting a hard surface can be excruciating. But I have seen people get up and pretended they are ok. You asked if they needed help and they say they are fine. When you are not looking they begin to rub the spot with an expression of pain on their faces as they limp away. Indeed, pride goes before the fall.
Men, I believe, abuse women they are with because they are control freaks and cowards but deep inside there is fear. Fear of being seen as a lesser man, the fear of how your friends and society will perceive you if they find out that your ‘better half’ is unfaithful to the relationship. I believe the emotion of fear can overcome that intention to love. There is also that unexplainable feeling one goes through as a result of being cheated on; some just call it a broken heart. I don’t think one can live with a literal broken heart but one can tell you how it feels to have that figurative broken heart. Not even bereavement equals it.
The first heartbreak I experienced, I was just about seventeen or eighteen. Growing up in my society, a boy was never allowed to express weakness when it comes to relationships. To tell your friends you are nursing a broken heart is to risk being laughed at, disrespected and called names such as softie and gal, etc. You just had to get on with that pain while pretending you didn’t give a damn. Whenever, you lose a girlfriend to another guy and everyone found out. You just had to put on a brave face and tell your friends it is you who broke the relationship and you never really cared about her. Your respect and streed cred remain intact. What is happening inside of you is far from being intact. I learnt early that you can find an outlet in telling your friends such things as a joke. It helps. Just tell them you got over it and that was what you were feeling when it first happened. It is good to let them know you are with a nicer girl too.
So when the beautiful miss S Y B handed me my first heartbreak, I was not prepared for it. No one ever is, the first time. I felt I was going to die. I played the album, Best of Percy Sledge a thousand times as I stayed on a couch at home most of the day. The track, ‘ when a man loves a woman’ was played most. I went out, hung out with my friends and pretended all was well. You knew something was wrong when you are laughing at jokes only realizing that you were laughing because everyone else was laughing. You hardly heard what was being said.
It is when you go to eat and realize the first spoonful could hardly go down. You are very hungry but can’t eat. Very tired but can’t sleep. I went to bed very tired one night, very tired and exhausted, after feeling like dying all day. I feel asleep instantly. That was about 9 pm. Oh that sleep was rocky, the dreams tormenting. I felt that I had made it to the brightness of morning. The time was only 9:45 pm. I had a long dark night to go all alone, thinking I really didn’t want to live any more.
A few days into my heartbreak, without food and sleep, I really felt I was not going to make it. So, I visited Medex Glasgow at Blueberry Hill Hospital. I couldn’t tell her why I was depressed. I had to tell her, what my symptoms were and the reason why? I told her I was raised by my grandmother and she died suddenly a few days ago, hence I couldn’t sleep. She gave me an understanding nod and wrote a prescription for tablets with very funny names, Valium and Periactin one to make you sleep and the other to open your appetite. I am sure as I thanked her and was about to leave, I saw a brief flicker of an understanding smile. Perhaps, just perhaps, I wasn’t the only boy that made such visits to her with similar complaints.
The great thing is if you allow it to run its course, heartbreak will heal itself. You will come out stronger, more experienced and knowledgeable. Try never to be bitter and angry. Try never to exact revenge on others or the girl that breaks your heart. But most of all try never to be consumed by fear and paranoia when falling in love again.
You may just end up being abusive for no real wrong done to you by the partner you are with. Just talk about your fears and hurts; make a joke about it if you may. Never be violent to your woman. Seek professional help. Treat your woman with respect and be honest, you may very well find her reciprocating. If it can’t work, just leave and try to do so on good terms. Do not carry any bitterness with you. We can help to stop the abuse of women. It starts with us.
Let us have a national conversation amongst men. You will find we are not softie and gal for doing this. Just real men!
Norman Browne

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