Men must be taught to speak about their pain lest they erupt in violence against their partners

Jun 18, 2012 News

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– Roman Catholic Priest

By Leon Suseran

A high- ranking Roman Catholic priest believes that he knows one of the reasons for Guyanese men erupting with such violence against their partners.
Monsignor Terrence Montrose told Kaieteur News that the male child has been socialised and pressured by society to act in a way that says, “boys don’t cry.”

He suggested that when they cannot hold in their emotions any longer, they may release their pain through violence.
Msgr Montrose, a religious leader for 35 years, said that society has been so socialised to think that men don’t have a ‘softer side’… “to believe that all men are brawn, are hard, are emotionless and that is how we have been living our lives…so men, when they are crying inside, they keep it to themselves— they bear the pain and sometimes, that pain comes out in violence”.
The priest noted that men have not been taught to cry. He said that men are told— from the time they are little boys— if they cry, ‘don’t be a little girl’— “you are not encouraged to give or show your emotion in public and therefore, we keep it inside and we burn inside and when we do act, we act in a very violent way”.
Msgr Montrose reminded that, in the newspapers are stories of men who kill their wives. “Almost every single day, some woman, some lover, some partner dies at the hands of the one she loves—every day”. He added that women’s throats are being slit, “of women being hammered to death, of women dying by burns, by fight— all kinds of things, at the hands of the ones they called their beloved”.
The priest referred to the popular Sparrow Calypso which said, “every now and again, beat them, beat them” and how some women have told him “that the man doesn’t love me until he beats me”. “Well, in a sense, we have been socialised in such a way, that we men mustn’t cry, we don’t cry— if our beloved leaves us or plans to leave us, we can’t take it— we hammer her to death; if I can’t have you, no one else can have you; and we say that men don’t cry”.
But he said that in reality, he has experienced many men crying, because “I am the one who has to give a listening ear to all these stories”. Msgr Montrose, who has ministered to a number of communities across the country stated, too, that he has heard and seen men cry because they can’t bring it out in public as a woman would do.
“Women cry very easily; they give an expression to the emotion they are feeling, whether those are tears of happiness or sadness, they don’t hold it back, they let it flow”. But men, on the other hand, have been encouraged not to let it (the tears) flow; “hide it, keep it inside and it does something to us; it begins to eat away inside and we become violent, and we become hard- hearted and then the rest of society asks, ‘What has happened to this man?’”
Young men, today, he said are an endangered species, because “they have no one to call them home…their fathers, perhaps, don’t know how to treat the son”. He said that while he has not fathered any children, he is the (spiritual) father of many children and “one of the things I do with them is to help them with the tools of my trade”.
Speaking specifically to fathers since Father’s Day was observed on Sunday, Msgr Montrose said that many young men never had the opportunity to have a father. “I have had the good fortune of being the father to many young men; they have to learn from us how to be men, we have to teach them how to act as men, as fathers, as husbands and sometimes I say to women, ‘you are to blame, because you, too don’t help them young men to be men”.
He said that it is such that many fathers do not even know how to teach their own sons to be men, “where they may have grown up in a situation where they do not know these things; their father didn’t know; their grandfather didn’t know; nobody knew, so how do you expect them (the young men of today) to know these things if they have not been taught?” Women, he said, have an important task in moulding and training young men.
Men, he said, do not know to explain ‘men’ things to their sons; “maybe they were ashamed, maybe they couldn’t find the right words, maybe their sons would laugh at them, but they weren’t able to say to their son, ‘son this is what would happen to you; you are now a teenager— this will happen to you— I know the women do that with their daughters…but I don’t think fathers do that”.
It is important, he said, that men take the responsibility of training our children, helping them to mature and teaching them what it means to be a ‘Christian father’”.
So are these men who horribly murder their spouses and lovers a product of their own society?
“Let’s suppose a woman’s husband beats her up and her boy is there (witnessing the act)…I don’t know if she says to the boy, “that is not normal that my husband is beating me up”, but if she says nothing, her son will say it is normal, so she has to keep showing him (the boy) it’s the wrong way”.
Socialisation especially as it relates to our young boys, he said, is “very, very important”.
Still, Msgr Montrose does not believe it is an excuse for domestic violence.
“It’s no excuse for what they do…they have to learn to deal with their emotions. The society has to start teaching differently that it is alright for men to cry, to talk about their softer side”. He noted that women go and talk to their friends and neighbours, but men keep their feelings inside and “we need to pay attention to that”. The women, he said, can help in that regard by talking to their partners and getting them to open up.
Those in authority, he said, can and must act quickly, lest more women face the hammer, knife and continue to be the punching bags for emotionally- distressed men. “I think they need to do something very quickly, because every single day, it’s getting worse and worse”.
Women experiencing signs of and bouts of abuse with their partners should leave the relationship immediately, says the priest. “They see (the signs)….but I don’t know what keeps them there…they don’t see the signs and perhaps we (as a society) should talk about the signs….from the time your boyfriend knocks you and punches you, that’s the time to go (or) it gets worse and worse”.
There has been a spike in domestic violence in recent months, with men reportedly being the main perpetrators.
In April, Eureka Garraway of Prashad Nagar, Georgetown, sustained head injuries after she was allegedly beaten by her partner.
The alleged perpetrator has been charged.
Earlier this month, Mohanie Gobin of Parika, Essequibo Coast, mother of four was clubbed to death with a metal pipe by her husband, Ramesh Sattaur. He ingested a poisonous substance and died shortly after.
In February 2011, 41- year- old Natalie Loncke, a teacher of Georgetown was repeatedly stabbed to the head by her lover.  Her throat was also slit.
Last January, Rushelle Rodney, 33, was discovered lying in a pool of blood, in the kitchen of her Blankenburg Executive Housing Scheme, West Coast Demerara house.
The woman’s husband, 34-year-old Shawn Rodney, is still to be located.
Last June, Onderneeming, West Berbice hairdresser, 32- year- old Rhonda Thompson was found dead in her home. Her throat had been slashed.
Her husband, Kensley Thompson, the prime suspect, was found at the backdam area in the village the following morning. He had slashed himself and ingested a poisonous substance.
He succumbed shortly after.

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