KUNG POO PANDA TOO: LEGENDS OF AWFULNESS

Jan 16, 2012 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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You’ve heard about Kung Fu Panda but what about Kung Poo Panda?  If you thought that Kung Fu Panda was a knockout wait until you try Kung Poo Panda.  According to media reports, a Chinese entrepreneur named An Yanshi is convinced he has found the key ingredient to produce the world’s most expensive tea- panda poo.
The former calligraphy teacher saw the writing on the wall and bought 11 tonnes of panda poo to fertilise a tea crop. He will only “panda” to very expensive tastes with his tea since it will cost about US$35,000 for just over a pound.
An, who tries to hype his Poo tea by dressing up like a cartoon panda, has been the butt of a lot of jokes.  He dismisses them all, saying the bottom line is that he will make money.  “But me no butts,” An said as he quit his job at the Sichuan University to throw himself, heart, soul and anatomy into his company.  An claims that it is not just the money that motivates him – it is his need to convince the world to replace chemical fertilisers with animal faeces.
An’s claim that the green tea will help people lose weight and protect them from radiation has been ridiculed by some Chinese web users who have expressed doubts about the purported health benefits of the tea and the high asking price for the first harvest. If China is An’s only market, in true Kung Fu Panda style, he might die Po.  However, even if he fails in his mission in his home country, An can try Vietnam whose President is Nguyen Tan Dung.  He might also consider using bear excrement and call it Winnie the Poo.
Frankly, it does not matter to me what soil they grow the tea in.  As far as I am concerned, whether they’re green, black, white or oolong, all teas taste like they were grown in the same cesspit.  That is why I love coffee and felt down in the mouth when a few years ago my doctor whimsically advised me to switch to tea as my hot beverage, not of choice, but of necessity.
Not that coffee does not have a poo connection as well.  Those of us who scoff at Mr. An’s panda poo might not like to hear about one of the most expensive coffee brands in the world.  I have it straight from the horse’s mouth that there is a Sumatran coffee that comes out of an animal’s anus that is the dog’s bollocks or even the cat’s whiskers of coffee.  The way the coffee is made can give you grounds for serious concern.
The animal is the “civet” – described as a small, lithe-bodied, mostly nocturnal mammal native to tropical Asia and Africa, especially the tropical forests.  It looks like a leopard-spotted cat or weasel.  The coffee, known as Kopi luwak or civet coffee, is one of the world’s most expensive and low-production varieties of coffee and is made from the beans of coffee berries that have been eaten by the Asian Palm and other civets then passed through their digestive tract where it is broken down, defecated, washed, dried, roasted, brewed and sold for US$160 per pound.   Some critics say that the process might be unusual and even distasteful but the price is reasonable given what Starbuck’s and Rituals charge for their coffee. More, on some Vietnamese farms the civets are fed exclusively on beef and that both improves the taste and increases the price.
One interesting aspect of the Kopi Luwak story is the way oppressed people have a way of defying their oppressors but then losing out in the end.  WIKIPEDIA says that the origin of Kopi Luwak is closely connected with the history of coffee production in Indonesia.
In the early 18th century the Dutch colonists established plantations and introduced Arabica coffee from Yemen in Java and Sumatra in the Dutch East Indies.  From about 1830 – 1870 (an era known as “Cultuurstelsel”), the Dutch prohibited the native farmers and plantation workers from picking coffee for their own use.  The native farmers wanted to reap and taste what they sowed.
With courage akin to that of the stone age dweller who discovered that eggs are edible despite where they come from or pass through, the natives learned that certain species of civet ate the coffee fruits  but left the seeds undigested in their droppings. The natives collected these seeds and made their own coffee.  The Dutch plantation owners found out and they started drinking the civet coffee too.  They then took over the process and made money from it.  It might have been the original Dutch treat.
When my daughter Marsha was an infant, and having tried and hated the stuff, she asked me, many moons ago and many, many cups of Java and Sumatra earlier, why I drink it.   Now, the Panda Poo and Civet brew would put her off even more.  The reason is probably the caffeine jolt but the answer is the flavor reinforced by the aroma.  There is no smell as pleasant (and nothing that Dior or Davidoff can produce), as freshly brewed coffee.  There is no taste like coffee.
Of course it helps (and research has shown) that drinking between two to four coffees a day is linked to a reduced risk of heart disease.  Coffee (plus exercise) coffee is supposed to help you ward off skin cancer and is better than drinking sunblock.  A study by neuroscientists at the University of Lisbon showed that drinking coffee can help to prevent the neural degeneration associated with brain disorders and aging.
An Iowa study showed that women who drank one to three cups of java a day reduced their risk of cardiovascular disease by 24 percent.  Drinking coffee lowers the risk of stroke by 19 percent among women, according to a 2009 Harvard Medical School study that tracked the coffee habits and stroke occurrences among 83,000 American women for nearly a quarter century.  Other recent studies have shown that coffee is protective against certain brain tumors, endometrial cancer and advanced prostate cancer.
The fact is that there is a lot more that I can tell you about coffee but my hands are shaking so much that I have to stop now and head for the percolator.
*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that trembling hands are not the only symptom of a coffee-habit.  There was a man who complained to his doctor that every time he took a sip of his coffee he felt a stabbing pain on his face.  “Take the spoon out of the cup,” replied the doctor.

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