BATTLE OF THE BILE

Oct 11, 2010 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

I was speaking to a colleague about what I considered the virtually paranoid behaviour and delusions of grandeur of an individual with whom I once had frequent contact. I recounted a story I had heard from one of his former colleagues who claimed that the man was so obsessed with status that he used to rush to sit in the front seat of the LIAT aircraft to give the impression that he was travelling first class.
The response was typically West Indian. “And he ugly too,” my friend added. “You have to realise that the man used to be a wicketkeeper and instead of using his gloves he used his face and head to stop the ball.”
Now, the question is, does this observation by my colleague qualify as an insult or is an insult something you say to another person’s face, regardless of the pulchritude of that person’s physiognomy? Was it an insult when pianist/comedian Victor Borge, commenting on Mozart quipped, “He was happily married but his wife wasn’t”?
Does an insult have to be in your face as well as sometimes on your face? Did Groucho Marx insult one of his children when he said, “I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.”?
The dictionaries are no help in clarifying this issue. The Oxford Dictionary is consistent with the others in defining the verb “insult” as “speak to or treat with disrespect or scornful abuse” and an insult as a remark that is disrespectful or abusive. What comes over is that you need not say to someone who is horizontally challenged, “When God was giving out height you went outside for a smoke”, to be insulting – all you have to do is say it about the person.
One classic example is a situation in Trinidad where the Prime Minister at the time, Basdeo Panday, was asked by a female television reporter about nepotism and he replied, “That’s insulting! That’s insulting!” If Mr. Panday thought that was insulting, he should think again and again.
Mark Twain would have strongly applauded Brazilians who recently voted for a clown for Congress. A Brazilian news report stated, “Tiririca, or Grumpy, the Clown, also known as Francisco Oliveira Silva, may be headed to join Brazil’s congress. The Brazilian people have gone and elected the illiterate Tririca, whom not only won the seat to represent the city of Sao Paolo, but he was the highest vote-getter of any congressional candidate in Brazil’s elections on Sunday.
“The second highest vote-count in Brazilian history! Tiririca earned over 1.3 million votes, more than twice as many as anybody else. Not bad for clowning around! His campaign slogan was a winner, ‘Vote Tiririca! It can’t get any worse!’”
Twain’s view was, “Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can” and “It would probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress.” However, if anyone dared to describe any Congress or Parliament as “a bunch of clowns”, I am sure that the clowns have grounds for a lawsuit.
Especially when they read the opinion that Thomas Paine, one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, had of George Washington: “…and as to you, sir, treacherous in private friendship…and a hypocrite in public life, the world will be puzzled to decide whether you are an apostate or imposter, whether you have abandoned good principles, or whether you ever had any?”
Another founding father, Alexander Hamilton, had this to say of Thomas Jefferson, the author of the Declaration, “The moral character of Jefferson was repulsive. Continually puling about liberty, equality and the degrading curse of slavery, he brought his own children to the hammer, and made money of his debaucheries.” Hamilton, who was born in Nevis, was referred to as “the bastard brat of an itinerant Scottish peddler.”

While the Americans were good at insults, they lacked the refinement or verbal facility of the English politicians. Richard Brinsley Sheridan, the famous playwright (School for Scandal and The Rivals) was a member of the House of Commons when he commented on the Earl of Dundee, “The Right Honourable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.”
His way with words got a “Hear! Hear!” from the House when he remarked, “Where, oh where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than this?”
Benjamin Disraeli, also an author, was a lot more direct. Referring to one of his opponents, Sir Robert Peel, he said, “The Right Honourable Gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off occasional signs of warmth.”
Disraeli had previously said of Peel, “The Right Honourable Gentleman’s smile is like the silver fittings of a coffin.” Disraeli was even more scathing to Lord John Russell: “If a traveler were informed that such a man was the Leader of the House of Commons, he might begin to comprehend how the Egyptians worshipped an insect.”
It was Disraeli who came up with the classic put-down of the pompous entrepreneur, “He is a self-made man, and worships his creator.”
However, Winston Churchill remains my favourite exponent of the art of the political insult. It was almost as if he owned the intellectual property rights and only leased them occasionally to others. He described his opponent, Clement Atlee, as “a sheep in sheep’s clothing” and “a modest little man with much to be modest about”.
Churchill was as mentally and verbally agile outside of Parliament as he was in it. When Lady Astor was opposed by Churchill on the issue of women’s rights, she was so angry that she snapped, “Winston, if I were married to you I would put poison in your coffee.” He responded immediately, “And if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
My favourite insult by Churchill resulted from a female MP scornfully remarking after a party, “Mr. Churchill, you are drunk.” He replied, “And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober tomorrow.”
* Tony Deyal was last seen reading a George Bush (Sr.) quote from his newest acquisition “The Nasty Quote Book”, “Being attacked on character by Governor Clinton is like being called ugly by a frog.”