Words do damage

Oct 01, 2010 Editorial

Much has been written about the extraordinary level of domestic violence that pervades our society. But there is a linked phenomenon that is just as prevalent, if not more so, which seems to have slipped under our radar: verbal abuse. Perhaps this is because verbal abuse does not leave the visible evidence of the physical battering; it may also be so because the abuse is frequently done in private. The abuser is one person in public and a completely different person in private. To the victim, however, the damage is in no way less destructive.
Very often, the abuser is male and the abused is female – but this is not always the case. It has been asserted that in some cases, verbal abuse by women might be the trigger for some of the overt acts of violence that so often hit the headlines. Be as it may, all studies show conclusively that verbal abuse is always wounding to the mind and psyche of the victim. Frequently, the abuser begins by questioning and attacking the character and abilities of the partner, who eventually begins to believe that the accusations are true. She may conclude that she is the problem.
The abuse does not have to be confined to the usual loud, angry outbursts that most believe constitute “verbal abuse”. There is also the more insidious covert type that may even be couched in a heartfelt and troubled manner. This technique exposes the essence of verbal abuse, which is to manipulate and control the victim by throwing the latter off balance and to question herself rather than the abuser. She tries to change her behaviour to please the abuser.
Unpredictability is another feature of verbal abuse and may indeed be its emblematic one. The unexpected put-down or sarcasm does not give the victim time to raise any defence. Bewildered and dazed, she becomes confused about her sense of self and is easier controlled. In this era of Abu Ghraib and torture revelations, this technique of aggression can be seen for what it actually is – brainwashing.
What we have to understand is that very fundamentally, the issue about verbal abuse is the relationship itself: it is not a side or peripheral issue.
Thus there is no specific button that the abused should be afraid to press. Any and all behaviour can serve to unleash another round of abuse. There is never any resolution and certainly no closure. The abuse usually escalates and increases in frequency, intensity and variety. Finally, it may become violent, beginning with the “accidental” bump or shove or push.
There are several types of verbal abuse. One type that received great notoriety not too long ago in our country is the form known as “withholding”. This occurs most frequently in marriages – whether formal or informal. While the actual quantum may vary, all marriages imply intimacy – both physical and emotional.
If this intimacy is denied by one partner, then the other is starved of this most vital ingredient of the relationship and she is left isolated and questioning as to what “wrong” she has done. A related form, called blocking and diverting” occurs when the abuser not only refuses to communicate but specifically holds back information on what is going on. The essential conflict is diverted.
Another type that is very prevalent in our patriarchical culture is for the abuser to be incessantly countering whatever the partner says, and seeking to correct her. This is certain to rise in a climate of women now outperforming men in the educational department. The implicit premise is that women are not supposed to have an opinion or different point of view; they are supposed to dumb down their conversations.
Related to this abuse is that of discounting the experience or background of the abused.
Finally, the abuse may take the form of cracking jokes at the victim’s expense. The latter is not only hurt but is diminished and yet is told that “it’s only a joke”. As the old people used to say, “All skin-teeth, nah laff.”

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