THE MILF OF HUMAN KINDNESS

Jan 25, 2010 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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I suppose if you’re having a relationship with a cougar you have to start from scratch. In my case, they hover upon my horizon as an application of an old word to describe a new phenomenon. I had seen them in books and movies as American wildcats and suddenly they became part of the ultra-new age of dating and mating.

A cougar, in the human sense, is an older woman who has sexual relationships with young men, known familiarly as “cubs”. A few months ago this was new to me and then suddenly the world seemed to be full of cougars and other variations on the theme of sex.

Carnival Lines decided against allowing cougar cruises even though Carnival was brave enough to have “gay” cruises. Norwegian and Royal Caribbean have no such problem. New Zealand Air got into trouble with an ad which supposedly portrays “older single women as man-hungry ‘cougars’ who troll bars for fresh ‘meat’.”

The New Zealand Herald said the ad was done in the style of a mock nature documentary and encouraged women over 35 who pursue men at least 10 years younger to compete for tickets by sending pictures of themselves out with their friends, or “cougar mates,” presumably on the hunt.

According to a recent poll, the top celebrity cougars are Halle Berry (22%), Mariah Carey (11%), Courtney Cox (20%), Heather Locklear (14%) and topping the list was Demi Moore with 27%. She is 47 and married Ashton Kutcher, 27, last year. Rumour is that he was drunk as a skunk when he got spunk’d and punk’d.

Someone asked me what is the term for the male equivalent of “cougar”- or old men who go for younger women. Believe it or not, it is “Redenbacher” – named after the popcorn magnate with the first name “Orville”. The usage is said to have originated with Kristin Schaal of the “Daily Show with John Stewart” and refers to “old men who date young, attractive women”.

Although it is used in a pejorative sense, there is no evidence that Redenbacher was that kind of person – both of his wives died before he did. One would think that “Hefner” might be a better term (as in Hugh Hefner, the playboy grandfather) or even Michael Douglas. The gay or homosexual equivalent of Redenbacher is “Chickenhawk” – essentially an older gay man who sexually pursues younger males. The equivalent of “cubs” in these relationships are “twinks” or “chickens”.

The term “cradle-robber” or “cradle-snatcher” is still used to denote an older man who is interested in young women – a kind of “Polanski syndrome” named after the film director, Roman Polanski, who was recently apprehended in Switzerland as a fugitive from a statutory rape (carnal knowledge) charge in the US.

Young women who seduce or attract older men are “jailbait” or “Lolitas” – the latter named after the young woman or “nymphet” in the Vladimir Nabokov novel. There is also a “May December romance” where, according to Wikipedia, the age difference is wide enough to risk social disapproval.

Then there are “gold-diggers” – generally young women who “hook” an old, rich man and take him for all he’s worth. There are many jokes about these old men. One of them, a ninety-year-old man announced to his doctor that he was marrying a 22-year-old blonde. The doctor was aghast, “At your age that could be fatal!”

The old man replied with a shrug, “If she dies she dies.”

Another old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. There he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.

And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.” The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!” “That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.” “That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

Not all the new terms bear repeating in mixed company and there’s one that is extremely common that I try to skirt although I believe it is gaining so much currency that my readers should know what is meant when they hear it.

More, the abbreviation is widely used so that nobody has to explain word for word what it means. It is the term “MILF”. In essence it is an abbreviation for “Mother (or Mom) I’d Like to Fool-around with” although the letter “F” in this sense stands for more than mere fooling around and denotes an act of sexual congress or cohabitation.

Wikipedia defines MILF as “a sexually desirable older woman, though not necessarily one who has children. The term is used frequently as a descriptor of pornography featuring older women.” An older woman like Sarah Palin, who is a grandmother (and still desirable to some men) is a GILF. For men, if you’re a father, you’re a FILF. A “Dad” is a DILF. Nobody applies “GILF” to men or Grandfathers.

 

Last year the Oxford English Dictionary recognised “Gaydar” which is “A homosexual person’s ability to identify another person as homosexual by interpreting subtle signals conveyed by their appearance, interests etc. They also added “Grrrl” which means “A young woman regarded as independent and strong or aggressive, especially in her attitude to men or in her sexuality.”

I am not sure where all this is heading as every day the internet and mobile phones are changing the language so quickly that many of us are left behind. The fact is IDRK (text for “I Don’t Really Know”) what’s going on but IMHEIUO (In My Highly Exalted Informed Unassailable Opinion), this is TEOTWAWKI (The End Of The World As We Know It).

 

*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that if anyone called him a “FILF” his wife would die “LOLH” (Laughing Out Loud Hysterically).

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