RIDING THE TIGER

Dec 14, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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“He who rides the tiger, is afraid to dismount.” (Old Chinese proverb)

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at almost nine in the night. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He then put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, this is not an excuse that he can get away with. In fact there seems no excuse or explanation that would work for him. He has become the butt of thousands of jokes. The Late Night comedians and every other wannabe jokester are on Tiger’s case like, to use Marilyn Monroe’s expression, “Vultures”.

In a very perverse way, while we like Tiger and feel sorry for him, we also like the jokes. Humour works like that – it is no respecter of persons or feelings. Even the sickest jokes find a spot in our psyche that they hit. Take some of the Tiger jokes that have been circulating:

· Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

· What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

· Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.

· What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

· Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

· Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

· This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

· Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

· Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

· Might have been worse Tiger, you could have lost your putter!

What course gives Tiger the most trouble? A: Intercourse.

· You usually find a tree in the Woods, Tiger’s wife found a Woods in a tree.

In all this media feeding frenzy, I found it a good idea to try to tell the Woods from the trees. One of the comedians who has gone after Tiger is David Letterman. “President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan,” Letterman said. “Hell, he ought to be sending them to Tiger Woods’ house.”

However, Letterman handled it skilfully and linked Tiger’s problems with his own. According to ABC News, “On October 1, this year, Letterman told the audience of his late night talk show that he had sexual relationships with female members of his staff, adding that he’d forked over a bogus $2 million check as part of an extortion plot on the matter.”

The New York Post (October 6) then revealed, “Pretty former ‘Late Show’ staffer Stephanie Birkitt revealed in her diary that she continued having sex with boss David Letterman even after moving in with her CBS-producer boyfriend, who later allegedly tried to extort him over the affair, sources told The Post yesterday.”

The Post Article continued, “Letterman and Birkitt enjoyed romantic hikes last fall at his sprawling ranch in eastern Montana — where he was married in March — while her boyfriend, ‘48 Hours Mystery’ producer Robert “Joe” Halderman, stayed home in Connecticut, the sources said…Halderman exploded when he read Birkitt’s diary in December and learned that she was still carrying on a steamy affair with Letterman, the sources said.”

We’ve long gone past ancient Jerusalem. Casting the first stone is no longer reserved for only those without sin. In today’s world, anybody can pick up and throw as long and as hard and as often as possible. There seems to be, as well, an almost sadistic enjoyment in Tiger’s plight, even more than Letterman’s or the other people that Letterman himself pilloried including South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford, former Florida Representative, Mark Foley and former New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer. We like to see those who rise above us taken down with a bang and a vengeance. The higher they reach, the harder they fall.

Tiger was at the top of the world so that now he is down and out, the shoe on the other foot is kicking the hell out of him. It is the mob’s chance to do unto him.

Interestingly, while this drama was unfolding, I read an article “Charting Morally Murky Waters” about a course for young US Navy recruits to help them cope with ethical dilemmas. On the one hand, it sounds like something that we should all take since I have yet to find a person who would not reach for a stone or a belt even when the horse is dead.

On the other hand, people who live in glass bowls should not leave golf clubs lying around. It makes it too easy to shatter the fragile fabric of our existence and the myths which we weave and with which we surround ourselves.

*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that Tiger is paying a bigger penalty than the one in the joke, “Tiger Woods complained after being fined $174 for his accident Friday morning, saying that normally for driving into a water hazard and hitting a tree he should only receive one penalty stroke.”

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