THE BEAT GOES ON…

Oct 12, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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It has always been good advice to let sleeping dogs lie. However, should you let lying dogs sleep? And does that apply to corporations that are not entirely honest with their customers? It is a situation that I face with the corporate entity now called Caribbean Airlines formerly BWIA. At what point should I say, “No more Mr. Nice Guy” and expose the lies?

Well folks, the time has come (as the walrus said) to speak of many things and they are not shoes, ships, sealing wax. cabbages or kings. Let’s talk about lies by an organization that dares you to compare its prices and service with other airlines and uses as its slogan “Warmth of the Islands”.

I suppose lying might be considered acceptable in the Caribbean. It is said that the difference between golf and government is that in golf you can improve your lie. In politics, a good lie is par for the course.

There’s an old joke that continues to be appropriate. A bus filled with politicians on the campaign trail was driving through the countryside one day. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he uses his tractor and buries them all. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. “So you buried all the politicians?” asked the police officer. “Were they all dead?”

The farmer answered, “Some said they weren’t, but you know how politicians lie.”

We hear about lying competitions and Lord Nelson, the Calypsonian, sang about one where the winner was a tailor who, it was claimed, did not need to take any measurements from close up but only had to see where someone passed and could make a perfectly fitting suit for him.

That might be a bit much. I put Caribbean Airlines more in the category of a youngster who lied for everything. One day his father, thinking it would help to cure the habit, said to his son, “I’ll give you fifty cents if you could tell me a lie just like that without thinking about it.” The son exclaimed, “Fifty cents? But you just said a dollar!”

First of all, the term “Caribbean” in the name is not entirely true. Caribbean Airlines is based in Trinidad and its Board comprises four Trinidadians who, although they may have international experience, are based in Trinidad. Most of its employees are Trinidadians.

I have no problems with that but the airline should then follow the example of Air Jamaica, India Airlines, Japan Airlines, American Airlines and many, many airlines which let you know in their names exactly where they’re coming from.

One of my friends, a little more cynical than me, said, “They should not call it “Caribbean Airlines”. They should name it ‘Manning Air’.” When I told him that it is not customary to do so and that the name might be politically correct but not entirely appropriate, he replied, “Well Mr. Manning always putting on airs so one more shouldn’t be a problem.”

Over the past two weeks I had to fly from Antigua to Barbados and then to Trinidad and back twice. On one of the trips I continued on to Suriname. The Antigua – Trinidad fare is over US$400. One of my friends got a Delta return flight from Trinidad to New York, with a stopover in New York, and on to Toronto and back with another stopover in New York for about US$500. During the entire trip to Trinidad there was nothing to eat. The flight attendant informed us that there was no “cabin service”.

If I had travelled LIAT, as pathetic as LIAT is, I would have been served a fruit drink and some crackers or chips. The irony was that on the Suriname leg we were told that “light refreshments” would be served. We had spent more than an hour in the departure lounge at Piarco “in transit”. There is nothing one could consider a reasonable snack sold in the lounge and the one food vending outlet was closed so the “refreshments” were welcome. It turned out that by “refreshments” they meant drinks only.

Most people think of refreshments as food and drink. I figured that if you’re serving only drinks, you should say so. But lying seems to be habitual on Caribbean Airlines.

On almost every leg, for months they run an episode of something called “Caribbean Essence”, an “infomercial” that is played loudly over the intercom. The thing is like the old joke about the man who sniffed the air and asked his lady friend, “What perfume you wearing?”

She replied, “Essence of Seven Dwarves”. His immediate reaction was, “Well one ah dem dwarf dead.”

In this case, the essence stinks, not because of its technical quality but the fact that it is inflicted on the passengers and leaves us absolutely no choice. So, trying to avoid the third or fourth repetition of the essence, which had already passed the cloying point and had now become both suffocating and nauseating, I took up the in-flight magazine.

Lo and behold, it said (Page 59), “Entertainment: Some things in life are FREE”. It boasted, “Go ahead and plug in the headset provided by Caribbean Airlines or your own headset into the armrest outlet and enjoy the free movie and music.”

Movie? Music? Headset? The outlet requires a two-pronged connection so that the normal headsets don’t fit and there was none provided. As Nelson said, “You hear lie? Dat is lie!”

Then the biggie, “Drinks and eats: They’re included…keep your wallet in your pocket”. “Caribbean Airlines provides complimentary meals or snacks on all flights for all passengers.” The clincher came when I went to see if I could get some food. Needless to say, the outlet was closed.

When I returned to the security checkpoint, I heard an announcement echoing through the airport threatening that if I did not check in urgently the flight would leave me behind. I ran to the gate. As I rushed to the ramp, a security guard stopped me and started searching through my luggage. While fuming because I thought they had already boarded the other passengers, the pilot and copilot passed me on their way to the plane. It was at least another half-hour before we left.

I could only shake my head and ask myself, where is Nelson when I need him?

*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that instead of naming the Caribbean Airlines magazine, “Caribbean Beat” they should call it “Caribbean Deadbeat” or take the “beat” out of the magazine and apply it to the managers and the magazine editor.

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