SAGGING UNDERWEAR BOTTOMS OUT

Sep 14, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

Recently the BBC ran what is called a “crawl” on its newscast saying “Breaking News”. It turned out to be literally accurate since the announcement was that the Australian wicket-keeper, Brad Hadden, had fractured his finger. In that vein, I have what the media would call “News In Brief.”

A recent Barbados Nation article by Tony Best headlined “Underwear Sale Gauge Economy” said, “Economists at the Central Bank of Barbados or the Cave Hill Campus of the University of the West Indies use econometric tools to gauge the end of the recession and a return of prosperity.

“But how can the average woman and man in Bush Hall, Speighstown, Oistins or The Pine figure out how things are going? Consumer analysts in the United States have some ideas which they insist amount to commonsense answers. They say sales of underwear, women’s handbags and anti-depressants, among other items, are telltale signs.”

This led me to ask if you see a woman without underwear and a handbag but brandishing a container of Prozac, are we to assume that things are really bad with her? What about stars like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton where the handbag is on the seat, the Prozac is not visible but other things are because the underwear is missing- how badly off are they? Is it that their bankruptcy goes beyond the moral and if so, how many of us would want to foreclose immediately on their assets?

The logic behind this theory of diminishing assets is, as Best states briefly, “Underwear is an absolute necessity, the frequency of purchase sends a message about people’s thinking about economic conditions. For example, when manufacturers of men’s underwear noticed a drop in sales last year the economy was heading for a slump. And sales haven’t recovered since.

The argument holds that men put off buying new underwear when the going is tough, and they try to make the old ones last longer.” There is a story about soldiers in Afghanistan which proves the point. The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the troop commander said gravely, “Men, I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we’re going to change our underwear.” The troops start cheering wildly. “Now the bad news,” continued the commander, “Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

Best states that sales of men’s underwear is predicted to fall by 2.3 per cent this year. However, “By next year, though, sales should bottom out, with less than a one per cent decline, a hint that the economy is moving in the right direction. As a matter of fact, some stores are already reporting an increase in men’s underwear sales.”

I like the “bottom out” talk although that might more aptly describe my underwear in these hard times. My father used to complain every time he had to buy shoes for me, “Like you have razor blade on your foot?” My wife sometimes asks the underwear equivalent and is even very crotchety about it. The only real problem I find with the theory of using men’s underwear statistics is that most men, especially married men, don’t buy their own underwear or neckwear. This is why some marriages last for a long time. It is not only the ties that bind but also the underwear.

I believe the real test of the economy is ladies underwear. When the economy is good, women go shopping with a thong in their hearts. When the economy is bad, their shopping sprees are limited- they’re not just brief but very brief. Their drawers are empty.

Trying to find out how much they’ve spent is a more closely guarded secret than Victoria’s. While I don’t put any curbs on my wife’s spending, it seems that Prince Phillip might have done so.

A media report in late July this year revealed, “Britain’s Queen Elizabeth was delighted when a group of schoolchildren designed underwear for her. Year six pupils aged between 10 and 11 at SS March and Michael Catholic Primary School in Garstang, Lancashire, came up with a variety of styles to keep the royal rump warm and comfortable.

A school spokesman said: ‘The designs reflected the concern felt by the children about the Queen’s comfort and the length of time she has to spend sitting. Many of the designs were fitted with padding and one pair even had an air bag’.” Perhaps Elizabeth is hoping that Phillip will give her a bumpy landing one of these nights.

I tried to conduct my own investigations to see whether panties were up or down, and whether there was some elasticity in the sagging sales. Were there loopholes as in crotchless panties or could they be classified as food items e.g. edible panties? Interestingly, the most original uses I found was in one case where a woman’s Size 18 – 20 cotton panties were used to put out a fire and in another where women from Australia, Singapore, Thailand and some European countries were sending their used panties to the military leaders in Burma. It seems that the old Generals in charge of that country are not only brutal but superstitious. They believe that contact with women’s underwear or sarongs could rob them of their power.

If the “Panties for Peace” movement works it would prove conclusively that old Generals never die, only their privates.

* Tony Deyal was last seen talking about his wife’s birthday. When asked, “What you Givenchy?” he thought longingly about Spanx, Hanky-Panky, her Assets, Yummie-Tummie and Boudoir and finally answered, “In these hard times, only Bare Necessities.”

1 thoughts on “SAGGING UNDERWEAR BOTTOMS OUT”

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