RUMPOLES AND STICKY WICKETS

Aug 03, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

---

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The tombstone maker gravely insisted that such an inscription would be confusing. Passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
He suggested an alternative: He would write, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.” That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”
Stranger still is the news that there is an event called a “Lawyers Cricket World Cup” and one was played in, and won by, India in January 2008 and the second is being played in England right now.  To combine business and pleasure, a seminar on the development of international criminal and sports law will be held during the same period.
Rumour had it that Sir Allen Stanford, whose expertise supposedly encompasses both areas, was expected to give the feature address but a pressing engagement (vicious commentators say that he is working in the laundry in the facility in which he is being held) prevented his attendance.
It is understood that Michael Vick, the American footballer, was also suggested but most participants are reputed to have opposed this on the grounds that it would be perceived that the tournament was going to the dogs.
Even more strange is the association of lawyers and cricket.  One would have thought that athletics, albeit an X-games version of the sports involved, would have been a more appropriate pursuit.  After all, lawyers are forever jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth, running their mouths, chasing ambulances, pursuing their clients for money, raising objections and standing on their hind legs.  Even skiing might be considered a logical pursuit for the profession.
Who better to master the slippery slopes than representatives of a profession renowned for possessing this ability in great abundance?  Diving might also qualify since lawyers are capable of navigating in and muddying the deep waters of international jurisprudence and if they don’t come back up to the surface most people won’t miss them and many will applaud and shout, “More!  More!”  Golf, too, would suit most lawyers since they are sure to come up with a good lie.  But cricket?  The gentleman’s game?
I thought long and hard about why lawyers would make cricket their sport of choice.  A Judge who is also a cricket fanatic, making up in enthusiasm what he lacked in expertise, once invited me to witness a game between Judges and Lawyers- what in Trinidad we call a “fete match”.
The phrase turned out to be tautological – something like “foolish virgins”.  Looking at the amount of alcohol being consumed it reminded me of an anecdote about the extremely witty British lawyer, F.E. Smith (Lord Birkenhead).  During a trial, Smith once described someone as being “as drunk as a Judge”.
The Judge took offence and pointed out to Smith that he had it wrong.  Sobriety was the quality most associated with Judges and what Smith should have said was, “Drunk as a Lord.”  To which Smith, appearing to be suitably chastened, replied, “Yes, My Lord.”

It makes sense that lawyers are called to the Bar, the word “Inn” as in Gray’s Inn or Inns of Court is embedded in their training and one of the most famous (even though fictional) member of the profession is named Rumpole.
It cannot be that what attracts lawyers to cricket is the opportunity to drink at “fete” matches.  They don’t need that.  Here, regardless of profession or status, “feteing” is a way of life.  Clearly, lawyers must have more serious reasons for choosing cricket.
Perhaps the terminology of the game is what attracts them.  “Bail” for instance, While in cricket, a “bail” is one of two crosspieces sitting horizontally on top of the “stumps”, it is also a familiar legal term.  Lawyers are forever applying for bail for their clients and charging them huge fees for the service.
“Appeal” is another familiar word that is a staple of the legal profession.  Lawyers love to appeal.  They’re worse than Shane Warne and the Australian team in that regard.  Appeals are worth a lot to a lawyer especially when they go as far as the Privy Council.  It is like Steve Waugh getting Lara out on a grounded catch.
This is perhaps why cricket would appeal to them – they can appeal to their hearts’ content provided that you are willing to contradict the conventional wisdom and accept that lawyers, while animals, are vertebrate, have blood in their veins and also possess a chambered muscular organ that pumps said blood.  This takes such a tremendous stretch of the imagination that it can cause a heart attack even for the most credulous.
“Pad” is another word that lawyers would like about cricket.  They pad their fees to the extent that you have “microwave” lawyers – you spend eight minutes in their office and they charge you for eight hours.  I am sure there are more reasons.
They make their “pitch” to the Judge or the Jury.  They don’t get punished for their mistakes or “slips” since no lawyer will give evidence against another.  They can “spin” the truth whichever way they want.  They always have “grounds” for appeal.  They should be handled with kid “gloves”.
To charge anyone the high fees some of them demand requires balls and the way they stroke their rich clients is incredible as is the crease in the trousers of QCs appearing before the bar.  The real problem with lawyers and cricket is you can’t trust them and they don’t trust one another.
This is their Waterloo – their sticky wicket.  It is the only reason lawyers never reach far in the game or even on the cricket pitch.  Every lawyer is a poor judge – of a single.  While they never run out of words, they easily run out of partners. As we say in the Caribbean , “If a lawyer tells you run, stand up.”

*Tony Deyal was last seen asking what kind of clothes lawyers wear for cricket?  Lawsuits.

---

---