COURTSHIP LEADS TO ENGAGEMENT, NOT MARRIAGE

May 17, 2009 Features / Columnists, Peeping Tom

There used to be a time when I believed that courtship was necessary for marriage. I guess this came from the tradition in my family whereby courtship preceded marriage.
In those days of course, courtship was not a secret thing. No one ran off for a secret rendezvous to the Georgetown Seawall.

If a boy was interested in a girl; it was first necessary to be formally introduced. It was not the desired thing for a boy to simply see a girl, walk forward and introduce himself. The introductions would be made formally, and of course, there, and if the initial chemistry was right, the relationship would be taken a step forward.

This ultimately involved the male partner seeking permission from the girl’s parents to court her. This courtship would take place under the watchful eye of the parents. The boy would usually visit the home of the girl and spend time chatting with the girl in the presence of family members. Eventually as greater trust developed, the two of them may be allowed to sit together, but still under the watchful eye of the family. This was all part of the process of discovering one another and determining whether they were suited for one another.

Courtship involved a boy wooing a girl by serenading her and bringing her gifts. Eventually the boy and the girl would be allowed to go out together. In some households, however, this was not allowed until the stage after courtship. Some families considered it a scandal for their girls to be seen with a boy in public without there being a formal announcement of the relationship.

This formal announcement usually only came after the boy formally requested the hand of the girl in marriage. Today it seems that children are opting to get married and are simply informing their parents, rather than seeking their blessings.
Engagement was an important stage in the relationship. Courtship led to engagement, not marriage. Engagement was important in many ways. For one, it signaled that the relationship was now firmly on course to be unionized. Engagement begins when the parents signal their consent to the request of the boy for the hand of the girl in marriage.

While it was not a request for deepening the marriage, it was a time when they would seek to deepen their relationship and prepare themselves for the responsibilities of marriage. The formal marriage would then be solemnized after this period of engagement.
This is how marriages were made within my tradition. First there was an introduction, then a period of courtship, then a period of engagement, culminating in marriage.

This has been my tradition and one that I have always considered the advisable course for all.
I have over time come to respect other traditions. One of those other traditions is what is commonly known as arranged marriages. Initially I had spurned this as a means towards marriage. But the more I have observed it over the years, the more I am convinced that there is not much of a difference between an arranged marriage and one that involves going through the processes of courtship and engagement. In fact, there is a great similarity in the two since arranged unions also involve a period of courtship.

The more you examine the two traditions, the more you appreciate that they are identical. My own assessment is that considerations of class, religion and social standing are pronounced in both traditions. There are of course the exceptions, and these exceptions are also equally pronounced in both traditions.
What is equally important and often missed in the discussion about marriages is the role of a supporting environment. In the case of courtship, the parents, family and friends play a supporting role in helping the couple to come together. This is the same in the case of arranged marriages.

And yet this important aspect of the supporting environment is often overlooked in the discussion about marriage. All the emphasis is placed on the compatibility between the boy and the girl, and very little on the supporting environment of family and friends, who, in the final analysis, are just as critical to building trust and chemistry between the parties concerned.

For a marriage to work, it requires more than just trust. It also requires a solid supporting environment, one that is just as equally committed to making the relationship work than do the parties themselves. Without this supporting environment, without these objective conditions, the process of bonding will face testy times.

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COURTSHIP LEADS TO ENGAGEMENT, NOT MARRIAGE

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