WELL BLOW ME DOWN!

Apr 20, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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For the average Guyanese man, getting “blown” and getting “blow” is much more than the addition or subtraction of the letter “n”. Cover, opportunities, advantages, appendages, identities, organs, gaskets, light bulbs and even money might be blown without too many second thoughts or recriminations.

They are all transient phenomena, a momentary uplift or downfall, a passing phase or temporary setback. But getting “blow” is the end of the world and civilization as we know it. Getting “blow” is not an act of physical violence but is much worse. In Trinidad and other places, the Guyanese term “blow” is translated into “horn” or “butt” and can apply to acts of infidelity by spouses and sweethearts. In English, there is the word “cuckold” which refers to a married man with an adulterous wife.

I am not sure how the Guyanese ended up using the word “blow” to denote an act of infidelity but I can understand the intention. However, the word “horn” is universal and most countries use it. Wikipedia gives special mention to Trinidad and Tobago for its contribution to the linguistics of infidelity, no doubt based on the prevalence of the phenomenon in that country. It is said that a culture has words for what is most important to them.

Eskimos are reputed to have more words for “snow” than most other cultures because of its role in their lives. Trinidad and Tobago seem to have more words for marital infidelity than all other cultures. In fact, if a world conference were ever to be held on the subject, Trinidad and Tobago would host another Summit, even bigger than the OAS gathering that is now taking place there.

According to Wikipedia, “In Trinidad and Tobago, the term ‘horn’ is used in conjunction with cuckolds, or anyone of either sex who has a cheating spouse. Other uses include ‘to horn’ (to sleep with someone else’s spouse), ‘horning’ (the act of cheating on your spouse), ‘horner-man’ (a man who is sleeping with someone else’s spouse) and ‘horner-woman’ (a woman who is sleeping with someone else’s spouse), ‘to get horn’, ‘to take (a) horn’. It is usually used in a pejorative sense.

Numerous calypsos have been written about the topic; the most famous being “Horn Me Sandra” by the calypsonian known as Lord Kitchener.”

Even in Trinidad, however, where according to another calypso, a “Deputy” is essential, being horned is a psychological blow from which most people cannot easily recover. It can lead to more blows of a physical nature as well as madness, murder, mayhem and even massacre. Sometimes the Sheriff gets shot, sometimes the Deputy and, in some cases, even the posse.

There is an abundance of advice about how to “take” a “horn” mainly about how to deport or comport yourself in such a situation. One extreme, which is rare and perhaps the best reaction, comes from an old calypso, the chorus of which is a dialogue between the man horned and his friends:

“You beat up your wife?” Ah say wuss than dat.

“You stab she with knife?” Ah say wuss than dat.

Well ah call de feller by name

Out de light in he face and ah make him shame.

None of the people I know took it as lightly as that although it is rumoured that there are men who tell their wives, “Horn me but don’t leave me.” One of my friends climbed a tree begging us to throw stones at him. Another embraced the jukebox in Maharaj’s bar for days, crying continuously while playing the Jim Reeves song, “He’ll have to go”.

Few if any, of the people I know, or cases I’ve read about, shrug and move on with their lives. Most sharpen their cutlasses or load their guns, and some even use them.

A case of double blows occurred in Guyana recently. According to a newspaper report, a man arrived at the Georgetown Public Hospital with a “gaping wound to his head.” What caused the blow? According to the newspaper, it was another blow. His common-law wife, a security guard, was “horning” him with another man. Full of insecurity, he went to her workplace and there in the Guard Hut, she was hotly kissing another man.

When the man demanded that she come out of the hut and speak to him, instead of his lover coming to him, he got a louvre. The report states that the woman’s paramour “removed a louvre blade and threw it at him.” It was followed by a second pane, which hit causing intense pain and bleeding.

This is a story with several morals, one of which is that a pane in the head could be worse than a pain in the glass. The second is that louvres must learn.

For example, Bob called home one afternoon to speak to his wife but got a little girl’s voice instead.. He said, “Hi honey, it’s Daddy. Is mummy near the phone?” The little girl replied, “No Daddy, she’s upstairs with Uncle Frank.” Bob was nonplussed, “You don’t have an Uncle Frank.” The little girl was insistent, “Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mummy.”

Bob thought for a moment and said, “OK baby. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy’s car has just pulled up outside the house.” A few minutes later the little girl came back on the phone, “I did what you said Daddy.

When they heard me Mummy jumped out of the bed and ran around screaming. She tripped on the rug and fell out of the window and now she’s dead.” “Oh my Lord,” said Bob, “but what happened to Uncle Frank?” The little girl explained, “He jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. He didn’t know that the pool was empty so now he’s dead as well.”

There was a long pause, then Bob said, “Swimming pool? Is this 673-9940?”

The case for the Old Testament approach was best put by a Mafia don to his son. The old man, on his deathbed, handed his son his huge Magnum revolver saying, “Son, I want you to have this.” The boy replied, “You know I don’t like guns Dad. If you want to leave me something, why not give me your watch?”

The father replied indignantly, “You don’t want my gun, huh? So tell me, when you go home and find your wife in bed with the postman, what are you going to do? Shoot him? Or point your watch at him and say, ‘Hey buddy, time’s up’.”

*Tony Deyal was last seen repeating the Rodney Dangerfield joke, “Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.”

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