PUN FOR THE ROAD

Apr 06, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

---

My friend and colleague, Kishan Kumarsingh, is in Bonn but not duty-free. He is attending a climate change meeting at the headquarters of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCC) but in spite of the work had time to frame a pun or two.

Kishan, an inveterate punster wrote, “Hi Tony – Hope all is well. In Bonn for the climate change talks at the moment. A bit cold and in fact it hailed yesterday (not Mary though) and one of my female friends felt some of it while I didn’t but then of course I am in German and hail hit her not me. Thought you would like that.”

I did, of course, and responded, “Sounds like you’re having a hail of a good time. However, remember that hail hath no fury like a woman stoned. All hail. Tony”. I thought of other stuff that I did not write. Was the woman hail and hearty? Did he check out the German-American rock band, “Bonn Jovi” or their German-Irish rock-star Bonno or was he unable to perform because he had left his harp in Sam Frank’s Disco.

Did Kishan follow the advice of calypsonian Black Stalin and “Bonn dem”? When he returns home to his loving family would he tell his wife that like Audie Murphy he had been “to hail and back”? Would he catch hail from his wife when she reads this? When he was going through German Customs – was there a sign that said, “Abonndon hope all ye who enter here?”

I had actually decided to write a completely different column this week. I was going to feature the competition for the world’s oddest book titles and, coincidentally, when I got Kishan’s note I was looking at the 2007 Awards shortlist where one of the contenders was, “How Green Were the Nazis?” In other words, were they environmentally friendly until the climate changed for their brand of extremism? Were they chagreened when all hail broke loose?

The year 2007 seemed to be a good one for outlandish titles. One of the favoured candidates that year was “The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification”. It seems that you have to look for wheels that are Hi-Lo. There was also a flavoured candidate, “Delicious Ice Cream: D. Di Mascio of Coventry: An Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans”. Roger DeBoer wrote the ice-cream book so you know why you shouldn’t read it. Speaking of flavour, this year’s winner of the oddest book title is “The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-milligram Containers of Fromage Frais,” by Philip M. Parker. While not exactly homage to fromage, it contained many an elegant frais deserving praise. Horace Bent, who runs the award described “Fromage Frais” as a worthy winner that had “turned the supermarket chiller into the petri dish of literary innovation.”

It made a monkey out of the runner-up “Baboon Metaphysics”. “Strip and Knit with Style” was not as lucky as previous winner “Living With Crazy Buttocks” and barely made it into third.

Another winner was “People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It.” If that ever happens to me I will summon help- call the corpse – so to speak.

As you see, Kishan’s bonny little missive had already set me on a different course. We are both punsters. It means also that we are not squeamish and would treasure even the most politically incorrect joke like “How do you make a hormone?” Don’t pay her.

This one is not as outrageous. Two men were lost in the desert slowly dying of thirst. They crawled over a sand dune and saw a Bedouin market laid out before them. Overjoyed, they stumbled towards the first stall and asked for water. The stall-keeper said, “Sorry. I have no water. All I can offer you is some sponge cake, some custard or maybe some jelly.” The two men went to the next stall where, again, they begged for water. “Alas, no,” replied the stallholder. “I can give you jelly, custard or sponge cake but no water.” The desperate men then approached the last stall and again begged the owner for water.

Once more the reply was, “I have plenty of custard, sponge cake and jelly but no water.” Despondent the two men trudged back into the desert. One said to the other, “That market was jolly odd wasn’t it?” His friend replied, ‘Yes. It was a trifle bazaar.”

But back to Kishan and his hailitosis in Germany. Moving further adrift and speaking of weather, my old friend George John, the regional journalist, was never tired of telling a version of this story. During the days of communism in Russia, a British couple was touring Moscow with their Russian guide, Rudolph. One day the couple decided they wanted to visit Gorky Park but Rudolph looked at the sky and told them they couldn’t as it was going to rain soon. Sure enough a couple of hours later it started to rain.

Next day the couple went to Red Square but again Rudolph looked at the sky and predicted rain. Sure enough a major downpour started. The next day the couple decided they wanted to go to the Moscow woods but Rudolph told them it was going to rain. The husband complained, “It can’t rain. Look at the sky. It’s blue and there’s not a cloud to be seen.”

His wife gently corrected him; “I think we better forget about going to the woods today. By now you should know that Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

Punsters are indiscriminate in their tastes – they are like vultures and what better birds to choose to kick off a pun (or two or even three) for the road. This vulture boarded an aeroplane carrying two dead racoons. The flight attendant looked at him and said, “Sorry sir, but only one carrion per passenger.”

Why did the Mexican shoot his wife? Tequila. What famous novel is about a bird found in the Southern United States with a penchant for Mexican alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird. Which way do you turn the key on a Chinese Ming dynasty desk? Antique-clockwise.

And finally, why did the vegetarian drown while eating a bowl of muesli for breakfast? A strong currant pulled him in. Stands to raisin it will. Could the muesli have harboured a cereal killer?

*Tony Deyal, who believes that a good pun is its own reword, was last seen complaining about a piece of furniture he bought recently to use as a filing cabinet. He opened it and fourteen people fell out. How could he have known it was a missing person’s bureau?

---

---