What sweet in goat mouth…

Jan 19, 2009 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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One of the favourite topics for school debates is “Homework is a necessary evil.”  You have to look at the pros and cons.  In my early days, the idea that homework was somehow necessary seemed to me to be a con and the other cons in the conspiracy were the teachers who beat us for not doing homework.
That way they guaranteed the perpetuity of the myth that one needed schoolwork and homework, and secured their own importance in the scheme of things- and I mean scheme.
The pros were kids like myself who found numerous ways of circumventing the system, escaping with copying the homework of their diligent and parent-supervised classmates or finding good excuses for not doing homework.  These, supposedly written by our parents, were the prose.
One morning, in Standard Four, the teacher decided to give us a “test” based on our homework from the night before- something from the First Aid in English Reader (which surprisingly had nothing to do with paramedical support) and The Student’s Companion, written by Wilfred D. Best, a book which continues to justify the superlative in its author’s surname.
Needless to say, I was unprepared.  I had spent the hours playing with my cousins and listening to the radio which ran serials like “The Shadow” after the seven o’clock news.
The test was about singular and plural, present tense and past tense, and animals and their young.  I was not singular as regards not studying for the exam but got through the plurals with what politicians would call a “plurality”.  However, when we came to animals and their young, I was completely at sea and feeling it- tense in the present and so worried that I was past tense, I was in white water without a paddle.
Fortunately, we sat on benches.  I was on a two-seater with my friend Bruce.  He was my hope and salvation for one of the answers.  I nudged him meaningfully and asked, “Bruce, you does mind goat.  What you call your baby goat?”  He answered willingly, “Meggie.”  “Meggie?” I asked.  “Yes, yes, Meggie,” he responded and I was hit by a duster thrown by the teacher for my talking in class but that did not matter as I had the answer.  Under the list of animals and their young, I triumphantly wrote “Meggie” in the space reserved for the young of a goat.  I beamed at the teacher and the class.
The only beam I would have got from the angry teacher was one made of sterner stuff – steel or one of the heavy metals.  He was angry and aghast.  “Meggie?  Meggie?” he shouted.  “You have to be a goat yourself and if you continue like this you will find yourself so ignorant you will never get a job.”
I suppose that today an unemployed goat would be called Billy Idol but in those days a raging teacher meant an even more violent Head Master and a visit to him would put me well and firmly in the stew.
In those days, too, we believed in “goat mouth” – somebody wishing you ill would be accused of “putting goat mouth” on you.  Fortunately for me, the teacher’s intentions were good.  However, my vanity was offended, particularly as one little girl with whom I had reached the hitting stage (a sure sign of love) laughed loudly at my discomfiture and I felt like hitting her even harder. But, as they say, pride goat before the fall and I took mine with bravado.
As it was, I was destined for a life of making jokes and four children which means that I spent my time just kidding around.  Had I read Dickens, I would have remarked, “Baaah humbug!”
I suppose that is what the exotic goats bound for Trinidad must be thinking as they embark upon the long journey from Kentucky and Carolina in the U.S.A.
A story in Wednesday’s Business Supplement of the Trinidad Express revealed that forty “exotic” goats and four sheep have been imported by the Trinidad Agricultural Society and are due to arrive next month.  They will then be distributed to farmers to enhance breeding stocks.
Now I know about the “exotic” dancers from places like Colombia, the Dominican Republic and Venezuela who come in droves to Trinidad and other Caribbean countries where they flock around until caught in police “raids”, the punishment meted out to those who don’t hand up or hand out.
Now we have “exotic” goats and sheep for breeding.  Trinidad is not like New Zealand where men are men and sheep are nervous.  However, Trinidad is a place where, like the rest of the Caribbean, goat is a staple and some of its parts are delicacies supposedly imbued with aphrodisiac qualities.
Goats, therefore, of every hue and description are already an endangered species and worse, when you pass through the market or any of the roadside stalls selling “goat meat”, it is difficult to tell one skinned carcass from another.  That means that the goats are already in danger.
Worse, Trinidadians and other folk love their “wild meat” and an “exotic” goat might be too tempting to pass.  In fact, any meat might prove irresistible to the Trinidad appetite particularly one whetted by alcohol, music and a barbeque grill or what is called a “river lime” – people, pots, pepper, curry, plenty rum, plenty music and much meat.
It is not accidental that goats are called “ruminants”.
One can envisage the “Daily Special” in the rum-shops featuring “Exotic Goat” Roti.  Had it been Jamaica or Antigua, Grenada, Carriacou or Guyana, exotic curry goat would be a delicacy much sought after.
“Goat” or “Mannish” water is already reputed to have all kinds of properties.  Consider how much more potent it would be with the word “Exotic” preceding it.  I give the herd of goats about a week after which they will never be heard of again.  In fact, one week could be about six days more than they will last.
Many years ago, the present party in power in Trinidad gave farms to some of its followers, complete with animals – cattle and pigs.  They lasted as long as a buyer or butcher could be found.  Some of the money went into buying new cars and the rest into antacids.
It must have been an extremely brave human being, or one without any sense of smell, who first established that goats were edible.  On the other hand, goats have the reputation of being omnivores, capable of eating anything, even metal objects.
There is the story of the two goats who wandered into a junkyard and had a field day.  One of them spent a particularly long time over a spool of film.  When he was finished, the other goat asked, “Did you enjoy the film?”  The first goat replied, “To tell you the truth, I liked the book better.”
*Tony Deyal was last seen asking what would you call the goat from Kentucky that falls overboard during the trip to Trinidad?  Billy Ocean.

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