Single-parent moms and their challenges at Christmas

Dec 25, 2008 News

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By Alex Wayne

The customary hustle and bustle for presents, the thought of a variety of mini-feasts, and a reassuring sense of togetherness and companionship are some of the things that make Christmas a season to look forward to.

In some homes, residents have finished decorating and the aroma of traditional Christmas cuisine spirals tantalizingly into the atmosphere. It’s all so blissful for everyone….or is it?
The real world has its ups and downs, and the latter exists in equal measure. Single-parent mothers, those courageous women who quite dutifully stand the test of time, don’t often complain, but their stories about the ‘Christmas Blues’ are quite compelling. The absence of a father figure in the home presents abundant challenges in the season of love and togetherness.
LOOKING FOR A DIVINE MIRACLE
Most mothers are thrilled by Christmas, but for one single-parent to whom I spoke, the season brings agonizing memories and the fear of failing to provide for her children.
This Christmas, although she knows not where the season’s goodwill will come from, she is “trusting in the Lord to create a divine miracle”.
Thirty-nine-year-old Bonita English is a mother of ten – five boys and five girls – who reveals that she has fought all her life to ensure that her children at least have the necessities, if not their wants. At this time every year, though, she feels compelled to do so much more for them.
This Christmas morning presents another challenge, not all of her kids will be present at the breakfast table, and that adds to Bonita’s melancholy. Today will see her celebrating with five of her children. Two of her sons have migrated in search of better job opportunities, one daughter has started her own family and two others have gone to stay with their dad’s relatives.

“I have half of my children with me at home. It’s less expensive, but I just wish they were all with me. There have been so many Christmases that we’ve had to tough it out together. This one wouldn’t have been any different I guess, but their presence helps me beat any depression I feel.
While I interviewed her, Bonita exhibited an admirable determination to bring happiness to her family despite the absence of a father figure in the home.
“It’s really tough without a father figure among us. My children need that guidance, and it’s especially tough during times like Christmas when so many of their friends have their fathers around. I have had bad experiences with men throughout my life and the alternative…the situation which I am presently in is probably my only chance to not be tormented.”
The hard working mother spoke of coming from a broken home where for years she endured the wrath and anger of a step-father who took glee in invoking ‘fire and brimstone’ instead of showing her fatherly love.
Still in her early teens she ran away and sought refuge with strangers with whom she thought life would have been better. Sadly, the young and very pretty teenager became the target of male advances, none of which she was experienced enough to have dealt with. Men promised her “the moon and the stars” and she fell for it. And the babies arrived.

With each child came the episodes of abuse and betrayal as she soon realized that the men were more interested in sexual gratification than fathering a child.
It was experiences such as those that drove Bonita to make a vow to fend for her children, something she has been doing for the last fifteen years. She sought solace in church and is popular for her morning devotions with members of her family that are still living with her at Bachelor’s Adventure, East Coast Demerara.
Yes, she misses a permanent male presence in the home but as she puts it, “I would rather stay alone with my kids and my God than have a man use me like a door mat”.
She still struggles to pay the rent, find food, send the kids to school and other duties, but she related that prayers are doing small wonders in the home, and she boasts of the day when the Lord will bring her tough fight to an end.
A MISSING DAD AT CHRISTMAS
Twenty-eight-year-old Samantha Ragnauth is a cook at a popular snackette on Lombard Street in Georgetown. She juggles her hectic profession with taking care of her four children who, according to Samantha, seldom see the face of their dad.
Three years ago, Samantha and the children’s father separated over what she describes as his “unfaithfulness” and the four children have been left to ‘feel the squeeze’ as Samantha chooses to put it.
Now it’s Christmas and apart from complaining of how increasingly difficult it has become to maintain the children generally, what is frustrating to her is the inability to afford the simple things that might make their holidays a little more comfortable.

She noted that the father ‘would send money for the kids’, but emphasized that what he may send is unable to take care of them which prompted her to seek employment as a cook to make ends meet.
With a look of deep concern etched on her face, Samantha explained that there is another aspect of her separation that is painful to endure. She said that it is heart-rending to hear the queries from the kids each Christmas about their dad’s whereabouts and the reasons he has not spent Christmas with them for the past three years.
“I can cope with his absence, but it’s the look on their faces when they question me at the Christmas table that tears me apart.”
“Sometimes it’s so difficult for me to come up with excuses I would go to my bedroom to cry it out.”
According to Samantha, the father would visit the children, depending on his mood. These visits, she explained, are most times brief and very uncomfortable for her and the kids, to the point that she is almost relieved when he leaves.
The existing chasm does not help the already stressful situation.
The children, Merissa, 10, Nereissa, 9, six year-old Vishal and five-year-old Vishack, are caught in the tangled web.
Samantha said that she does not send the kids to visit the father’s relatives since his responses to such suggestions are not always what a mother expects to hear from her children’s father.
Meanwhile, this year Samantha is determined to make a difference. She has pooled her resources and done her Christmas shopping as she fights to ensure the kids have an enjoyable experience – something she believes she owes them.
She has vowed to perform the duties of both mom and dad, and indicated that she will come up with a strategy on Christmas Day to ensure that the table is full not only of things to eat, but abundant love, laughter and ‘jolly Christmas feelings’.
ABIOLA’ S BLUES
Abiola Gibson, 36, has been in and out of the ‘Christmas Blues’ for the past eleven years and notes that it has now become “like a recurring cancer in my system”.
This year she most likely would be found sitting at her Christmas table lost in thought about “what could have, or should have been”.
She does not see this feeling changing this year.
Abiola, like Samantha, is a cook. The separation from the father of her child occurred some eleven years ago. Since then she has brought up her daughter, Nikita, 11, all by herself.
She says she hardly communicates with her daughter’s dad since over time it has become a ‘very stressful and unpleasant episode’, and would most times develop into a heated argument.
Abiola says she tries her best to make ends meet, but finds it difficult to satisfy her daughter’s needs.
“Her school clothes, Christmas toys and everything are all my responsibilities. I get no help really from her dad, since only on month-ends he will ‘pitch in a fine change’.
She said they have spent many Christmases without a father figure in the home and have gradually been able to come to grips with the situation.
Abiola shrugs her shoulders with an air of resignation, “Well I guess if this is what is destined, then there is nothing my daughter and I can do about it”.
A TOWER OF STRENGTH
Another single-parent, Sharlene James, considers herself a ‘tower of strength’ and boasts that as the lone breadwinner she has built a solid foundation for her three children.
Though she has battled the storms of trying times, she basks in the glory of knowing that her many sacrifices for her kids have this year afforded her the benefit of enjoying a relatively comfortable Christmas with her children.
Several years ago, Sharlene learnt that “some men aren’t exactly the superb species they are sometimes made out to be” and wasted no time in implementing strategies to “always make her family happy”.
Pursuing a career in marketing, Sharlene has served in several managerial capacities. Her three children, daughter Tabeeka, 15, and sons Danesbre, 14, and Daquan, two, are her pride and joy.
Sharlene relates that all is well where she is concerned and noted that she will indeed enjoy a fantastic Christmas. However, she admitted that Christmas morning is some times a bit uncomfortable since on several occasions it has proven to be an odd moment when the kids express concern at their father’s absence at the Christmas table.
Sharlene calls herself ‘a one-man army’ and stressed that she uses her initiative to come up with positive alternatives to keep her children satisfied.
Sharlene says that her children are her foremost priority and vows that she will be ‘the mother and father of the home’ if it takes her forever.
Kaieteur News wishes all single-parent mothers and their families a Happy Christmas and a Prosperous New Year.

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