HELL FOR LEATHER

Dec 22, 2008 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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When I was young, there were only two brands of shoe polish around — Nugget and Kiwi.  While there might have been differences in quality between the two, what stuck in my head, and still remains as embedded as CNN and the US Army during George W. Bush’s Iraq War 2, was the Nugget jingle, “If shoes/ Could choose/ They’d go for Nugget shoe polish.”  

Earlier this week, for once, the shoes did not go for Nugget, they went after Bush.  Hitting him was the sole intention of a journalist who wanted to show his disgust and vent his anger.  He and the shoes tried to give Bush a sever tongue lashing and face makeover. 

Laced with invective, the shoes headed straight for Bush, who had never shown such nimbleness and agility since he dodged the draft for the Vietnam War. According to ABC Television’s World News on December 15, 2008: “This is your farewell kiss, you dog!” the reporter shouted in Arabic, while hurling one shoe and then the other.

The reporter was later identified as Muntadar al-Zeidi, a correspondent for Al-Baghdadia television, an Iraqi-owned station based in Cairo, Egypt.  Little is known about the journalist, and intelligence sources are still trying to find out whether he is a Shoe-ni or Shoe-ite.

What got into the journalist to make him behave like that?  Blame it on the shoes.  He could have been wearing Reeboks and decided to give up his journalistic impartiality because “Life is not a spectator sport.”  However, I believe he was wearing Nikes, and when he looked at the “swoosh” that is Nike’s trademark, the slogan came immediately to mind, “Just Do It”, and he did. 

Conversely, he might have been wearing Timberlands and felt that they were best for the bush.
The world subsequently learnt that, in Iraqi culture, throwing shoes at someone is a sign of contempt, or the worst insult possible.  Iraqis are supposed to have “whacked” a statue of Saddam Hussein with their shoes after US Marines toppled it to the ground following the 2003 invasion. The problem is how do you judge the severity of the insult?  Is it based on the cost of the shoes? 

For instance, would throwing a pair of Bata shoes be a lesser insult than a pair of Nikes?  Is it based on the size of the shoes, and would throwing a Size 12 be a bigger insult than a Size 10?  Would throwing a pair of boots be a greater insult than pelting the person with a pair of flip-flops?  Would the scent of the shoes mean something? 

If, for instance, you throw a smelly shoe, would that be more insulting than one without odour?  If so, I have what Trinis would describe as “the damn thing self” in the event Mr. Bush comes visiting.  He would certainly catch the scent long before he catches the shoe.  If he ever wanted a weapon of mass destruction and massive disruption, or a candidate for major deodorisation, I have it, and would let him who is without sin cast the first shoe.

But this is all bootless speculation.  What has happened is that the political and diplomatic ripple caused by the incident has intensified into a tidal wave among shoe manufacturers.  I am sure that, right now, the Chinese shoe-makers are working on saturating the Iraqi and Middle Eastern markets with a special range of shoes designed to carry the right tones and overtones; and instead of losing face, you would gain face. 

They might just throw away products, but when you insult someone, that person would know you are not beating around the Bush.  Besides which, while George W. might not be returning, there are still others, like the British Prime Minister or even the French President, who may still visit Iraq. 

The Chinese might already be designing colour-coordinated footwear appropriate to Mr. Brown; and following the success of the special line of handbags, have shoes with the nude image of Mrs. Sarkozy (Supermodel Carla Bruni) to keep her husband from feeling homesick and even enjoy a faceful of his wife, he being French and all.

In the US, the late-night comedians jumped on this one with both feet.  Jay Leno quipped, “You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he’s got good reflexes.” Even Bill Clinton was impressed. “You know, Clinton’s an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything.” 

Leno also came up with an extremely interesting angle. “Now, here’s my question, and no offence here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn’t they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I’m saying? Come on. Seriously! Aren’t these guys supposed to take a bullet for the President?”   He added, “See, that’s when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, ‘Yeah, we’re guarding the new guy now.’ “

David Letterman put a different spin on it. “You’ve got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly… Too bad he didn’t react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers.” 

Craig Ferguson added a new pun: “Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into ‘Shoe-pocalypse Now.’ “

Commenting on the conspiracy theories that are an obsession of the director of “Apocalypse Now” and “JFK”, Oliver Stone, Ferguson commented: “Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That’s impossible.”

Ferguson also took a dig at Sarah Palin. “You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be President even more. ‘Free shoes? You betcha!’ “

It is rumoured that the Secret Service decided to launch their own investigation, and when they heard that the footwear thrown at the President were alligator shoes, they decided to do a comparison and accessibility test.  They sent two of their best men to find some, and when they had not returned from what was deemed a relatively simple trip to the Basra bazaar, they sent their top man in Iraq. 

He eventually found his two colleagues in waist deep water in a marshy area close to the Persian Gulf.  Just then, he saw a tremendously long alligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the men.  Just as the alligator was about to attack, the Secret Service man grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it.  Then all three of them dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.  Lying nearby were several more of the creatures.  One of the Secret Service men then exclaimed, “Damn, this one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that if the journalist dies in prison from the torture and beatings to which he is now subjected, he will be the world’s first shoecide bomber.

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