GOOD, BAD AND PHILOSOPHICAL

Oct 20, 2008 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

---

No news is good news.  Bad news is about a hundred miles away before good news gets its engine started.  The news I’m hearing is not good.  Tropical Storm Omar is heading our way in Antigua and the good news is as hard to find as bread in the crowded supermarkets full of people stocking up for the storm.
I have always been fond of good news/bad news jokes and situations because even in the midst of crisis I look for opportunities, rays of light that change from mote to beam as I pursue the potentials and possibilities.  Storms are different though.  A few years ago when I lived in Barbados, the good news was that people heeded the warnings, stocked up on candles, matches, water and victuals and hunkered down at home waiting on the storm.
The bad news was that the storm never came with the force and fury expected and the next day Barbadians were on the talk shows and call in programmes berating the broadcasters for causing them to spend so much money on things they did not need.
The same thing happened in New Orleans and Galveston recently.  The good news was that people evacuated.  The bad news is that they ended up far from home.  The worst news would be that when the next warning comes, they will not leave home for hell or high water, both very distinct possibilities if a big storm hits.
During my days warning people about taking climate change seriously, I used good news/ bad news jokes in my presentations.  A joke I used frequently was the one about the man who had taken some medical tests and two days later got a call from the doctor.
“About your tests,” the doctor said, “I have good news and bad news for you.  Which do you want first- the good news or the bad news.”  Like most of us, the man preferred to hear the good news first.  The doctor informed him, “The good news is that the tests show you only have 24 hours to live.”  “You call that good news,” the man spluttered.  “If that is good news, what’s the bad news?”  “Well,” the doctor said, “the bad news is that I was trying to call you since yesterday.”
I never thought of analysing the joke and why I chose it until I started reading, “Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar…,” a book by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein which is sub-titled, “Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes”.   The authors use good news/ bad news jokes to illustrate the views of Twentieth Century German existentialist, Martin Heidegger, who believed that human existence is “being-toward-death.”
According to Heidegger, “to live authentically, we must face the fact or our own mortality squarely and take responsibility for living meaningful lives in the shadow of death.  We must not try to escape personal anxiety and personal responsibility for denying the fact of death.”
I had no idea this is what I was doing when I told that joke or others like it.  For example, there is the one about the old fast bowler who went to a fortune teller and asked her what Heaven was like.  She gazed deeply into her crystal ball and said, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.  The good news is that Heaven is like Lord’s cricket ground, only better.  Every day there is a game with all the great ones playing – Bradman, W.G. Grace – you name them and they’re there, the competition is out of this world.”  “That’s great,” the old cricketer said.  “But what’s the bad news?”  The fortune-teller shook her head sadly and replied, “The bad news is that you’re opening the bowling tomorrow.”
An artist asked the owner of the gallery that displayed his works how things were going with the sale of his paintings.  The gallery owner replied, “There’s good news and bad news.  A man came in and asked if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death.  When I told him I thought you were, he bought every painting of yours that was in the gallery.”  “Great, that’s terrific,” gushed the painter.  “But what’s the bad news?”  The gallery owner looked at the artist mournfully, “The bad news is that the man who bought the paintings was your doctor.”
I saw another good news/ bad news joke that I liked.  A lawyer told his client who was charged for murder, “I have some good news and bad news for you, which do you want first.”  The client perversely opted for the bad news and the lawyer said, “Remember those DNA samples the police took?  Well they matched the blood they found at the crime scene.”
“So what’s the good news?” the man growled.  The lawyer smiled, “The good news is that your cholesterol is down to 130.”
Sometimes, death comes in little packages.  A secretary walked into the inner sanctum and told her boss, “I have some bad news for you.”  He replied testily, “Why do you always bring me bad news.  Can’t you give me some good news for a change?”  Looking him straight in the eye she said, “The good news is that you’re not sterile.”
There’s another one with the same theme.  The doctor ran some tests on a young woman and then proceeded with his diagnosis, “Mrs Brown, I have some good news for you.”  The woman corrected him immediately, “I am not Mrs. Brown, please call me Miss Brown.”  “In that case,” the doctor said, “Miss Brown I have some rather bad news for you.”
I am not sure whether I can weather the storm with only good news or whether the inevitable bad news will follow.  However, having survived so many years of marriage, I am pretty confident that I have the right attitude.
A man stayed out the entire weekend hanging out with his friends, spent his paycheck and came home.  After a tongue-lashing that was worst than the winds of Katrina, the good news was that she asked, “How would you like it if you never saw me again?” to which he replied, “That would be fine by me.”
The good news continued and he did not see her on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. The bad news came the next day.  The swelling went down enough for him to catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of his left eye on Friday.
* Tony Deyal was last seen sharing the good news/ bad news about the present financial crisis.  The good news is that more men are praying.  The bad news is that it is worse than a divorce since you lose half of your wealth and you still have the wife.

---

---