CATCHING MY GRASS

Oct 06, 2008 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

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In England “grass” is a verb.  While it continues to be the commodity that grows greener on the other side of the fence, a “fence” is a receiver of stolen property who later sells it off as legitimate.  If caught, a fence might get a barrister to represent him in court.
The barrister is someone who has been called to the bar which gives him the right to represent the fence and convince the court there are grounds for dismissal.  This is different from a “barista” who stands behind the bar in a coffee shop and is an expert on the grounds and daily grinds that make coffee big business and star bucks.  Then there are solicitors.
There are the ones who are part of the law business and there are some who are in the outlaw business in which being a prostitute is not a crime but the public actions associated with prostitution such as soliciting or loitering might require disengaging from one solicitor and engaging another.
In British underworld slang, a “grass” is an informer and “to grass” means to be what Americans refer to as “stool pigeons” or people who spill the beans on their criminal associates.  That is when you need a barrister and not a barista.  The term “supergrass” came into use in the early 1970s when there were a lot of high profile trials and convictions based on the testimony of informants.
In Northern Ireland, the terms referred specifically to arrested paramilitaries who “shopped” their colleagues in crime.  “Supergrass” is also the name of a U.K. rock band.  Interestingly, Supergrass is wrapping up this season with a performance at Shepherd’s Bush which they preferred to Nottingham Forest.
Supergrass is also an Antiguan phenomenon which abounds in the hell’s half acre that constitutes my present domicile. In Antigua, the Acacia Farnesiana or Cassie Bush dominates the local flora like a combination of Hitler and Mussolini.  An Antiguan website says, “This plant that over-runs old cultivations and grazing land was introduced into Antigua as a fuel for the sugar industry of the 18th century.
“It is a fast growing hardwood with a high calorific value. It has made itself very much at home here, producing thorny thickets.”
Where I live, it has not only made itself at home but it is trying to repossess the entire property.  I am convinced that it is a sentient and malevolent creature waiting to pounce on us whenever our backs are turned or our skin, especially our feet, are exposed.  During the dry season the cassie covers the earth with the occasional tuft of grass visible.  In the wet season the grass grows, and grows, and grows some more.
It was just before the rainy season started that my wife decided that instead of having to pay EC$200 every month to get rid of the grass, we should procure our own gardening paraphernalia and demolish the grass ourselves.  As the head of the household, I was supposed to be in charge of the brand new lawn mower and to deliver the coup de grass.  It was more like a mardi grass as grass grew riotously everywhere.
The persistent rain, first from the edges of two hurricanes and then from the north-east, caused the grass to spring up like the warriors that confronted Jason when he sowed the dragon’s teeth.  They are armed and dangerous- they wield blades as big as a Samurai swordsman.
With their allies the Cassie, they have become a thorn in my side and other places too sensitive to mention.
Over the years, I have seen people cut grass using a mower and it seemed a relatively simple thing.  Put on a big hat or cap, walk up and down behind the machine, take a drink or two, walk again for a while and then collapse into a hammock.  Professional mowers walk up and down rapidly since they work by the job instead of by the hour, cut everything in sight – plants, weeds, shrubs and kitchen garden – refuse to rake or bag what’s left, demand their money promising to return, and never do.
I don’t dare try that with Indranie.  So, having enrolled Zubin, with promises of assistance from Jasmine and Indranie, it is a case of the mower the merrier.
With my usual thoroughness, having decided to venture literally into the field of “degrassification”, determined to commit weedicide, I bought a weed trimmer a.k.a. weed whacker.  Also, not being the kind of person to hedge my bets, I bought a hedge hunter or cutter.  I love the concept of whacking.  It is so Mafia, so Goodfellows, so Godfather.  But my first sojourn into wholesale whacking was not propitious.  It is not the weeds but the machine itself that was out of whack.  Literally.  It is battery-operated and after a few minutes the battery dies.  I had bought that particular type because it was touted as being environmentally friendly, and it is because it dies within a few minutes after it starts cutting the grass, leaving the grass to do what grass does best, grow bigger, more dense and harder to cut.
The hedge machine is good unless you decide to have a close encounter with a bougainvillea bush.  What is not cut by grass, or pierced by Cassie is punctured by the bougainvillea.
It did not take me long to realize that employed or unemployed, it is preferable to find the money to hire professionals than attempt to mess with Mother Nature.  I am not cut out for arguing the advantages and disadvantages of a mulching mower over one that throws the grass to the side which, if you’re not thinking, will cause you to mix up the cut and uncut grass causing the mower to stall.
I have allergies and the cut grass makes me sneeze.  I love electronics but have never been one for noisy machines that do not differentiate among rocks, cassie, weeds and toes.  What I believe I will do is go back to the basics.  I will buy one of those rasta hats complete with dreadlocks that they sell on the mall, sharpen my machete, and go out into the yard singing “By the Rivers of Babylon” – in other words I will be the first, original Grass-Tafari.
*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that he has learnt two things about dealing with a lawn or garden.  Gardening requires a lot of water, mainly in the form of sweat. When cutting grass, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pass the mower close to it.  If it comes out of the ground without the mower even touching it, you have just destroyed a valuable plant.

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