Tony Deyal...A kiss before dyeing

Tony Deyal…A kiss before dyeing

Aug 25, 2008 Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column

While the world and I revelled in the Olympics now being held in Peking, China’s formerly forbidden city, in the middle of the marathon sessions of television viewing, I thought of the Greeks. They gave us the Olympics, and had the greatest influence on our language, politics, educational systems, philosophy, science, and arts.
While they built the wooden horse, they did not invent baseball, although that is now an Olympic sport. Homer was not a ball hit over the outfield, but a blind poet who taught Derek Walcott to drink ouzo. Before they became prophylactics, Trojans had a socially acceptable civilization. It is not true that they invented the little vending machines that are found in the restrooms of nightclubs and other palaces of pleasure.
The Greeks were the real thing. They were interested in music, architecture and mathematics. Some of their famous mathematicians were Pythagoras, Aristotle, Anaxagoras, Euclid, Archimedes, Thales and Aristarchus. They were the people who gave the world Grecian formula after formula.
Today, as male vanity increases, this might be the most important Grecian contribution to modern civilization. According to Dr. Richard Maloney in an article entitled, “Male Vanity: The Modern Man in Search of David”, “The market for products and procedures servicing male vanity is approaching $10 billion annually. Yet this is still only the tip of the iceberg. With most baby boomers approaching 50, and Generation X and Nexers not far behind, the potential market for male vanity is explosive. So just what are men buying with that bundle of $10 billion?” Trojans? Not really. Among the long list are baldness pills and solutions, hair replacement and hair dyes, like Grecian Formula.
Hair colouring for men is definitely a grey area. As one hairstylist says, “It’s not that men want to ditch their gray hair; they just want to see a little less of it. The gray, not the hair.” Hair dyes for men contribute considerably to the increase in sales of male vanity props.
Why men want to dye their hair is Greek to me. When I said that to my daughter, Marsha, who lives in Trinidad, she came up with a non sequitur, “Patrick died.” I thought immediately of my cousin. “Patrick died in truth?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, “and he looks better.” “Wait a minute,” I stopped the flow. “What you mean by that? What Patrick you talking about?” “Manning,” she responded. “The Prime Minister.”
“He died in truth? But he younger than me,” I said in alarm. She explained: “Well, one day he had grey hair, kind of salt and pepper, and then the next day he looked gorgeous, his hair was ebony.”
Where I come from, we call that suicidal – he dyed by his own hand. But he is not alone in his vanity. I once worked for a previous Prime Minister who did the same and looked ten years younger – more like ninety, instead of a hundred. He, too, took on what seemed to be a new lease on life, leading me to wonder what exactly is in that bottle?
Grecian Formula was introduced in 1961. You can get it as a clear liquid, cream or foam. According to WIKIPEDIA, “One of the product’s main features is that it works gradually, so the colour change is not as noticeable as with dye products. This is because it isn’t really a dye, but a metallic dye-like product. The product is actually 98 per cent clear liquid, 0.29-0.34 per cent lead acetate, and a small amount of sulphur. The product both coats and penetrates the hair shaft, and the lead acetate reacts with the sulfur to produce a dark black pigment.
Over time, the small particles of black pigment add up, resulting in darker hair. To adjust the darkness, simply use more or less of the product.” Some countries banned the product because of the lead acetate, but it has now been changed, and the Greeks are now back in business.
The Romans are back in business, too. Spas, a feature of Roman civilization, are overflowing. More men are now “spa-ing” but not talking about it. A massive floating spa aboard the cruise ship “World of Residensea” offers guests a 28-session rejuvenation programme for $3,150. On shore, the Lizard Island Spa in Australia touts a $400 Aboriginal “pepperberry and peat mud soak”, and a spa in South Africa massages guests while they chew biltong and watch leopards dine on warthogs.
One of the industry experts explained, “Two types of men use spas. The old who wants to look young, and the young who wants to play around. All of them are willing to pay a lot of money for the opportunity.”
Lyne Walker McNees of the ISpa Group said: “Guys have always gone to spas,” she says of the 42 million men she says her research shows visited spas last year. “They’re just shy about it.”
So, are dyeing and spaing the formula for eternal youth? Are they the regenerate for the degenerate? If they are, I am dead and senile at the same time. There have been times when close relatives have tried to cajole me into taking the plunge, joining Jason and Ulysses in great Greco-Roman voyages.
However, no Poseidon adventure for me. He turned foam into sea horses. I am turning foam away. Hair dyes do not gel with me, maybe a scalp die, because that is all I have left. But even that is more Promethian than promising. Somehow, I believe I am playing with fire, and instead of incurring the wrath of the Gods, all I will incur is the neglect of young ladies, something my wife considers more desirable than my having a full head of black hair.
Then I think of the story about the born-again politician who went to his pastor and confessed, “Bless me, Pastor, I have sinned.” The Pastor replied, “What is it, my son?” “Pastor,” he said, “I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and my new dark hair and tell myself how handsome I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the politician, and said, “My son, I have good news. That isn’t a sin. It’s simply a mistake.”
* Tony Deyal was last seen in Beijing saying that he prefers to breathe the lead than put it on his head.